Cockroach cafe 🪳 Summer 2023 🪳

Flowers?

Hello everyone. I'm really sorry to interrupt but I'm at my wit's end and I think you will all understand my problem. Just this one q then I'll shut up again as it's clear that others have more pressing problems!

My mum will be 90 very soon. I have no idea what to get her! The problems: she lives independently with my (useless) brother and is his carer, plus 2 dogs which have no boundaries. The house is a midden, the dogs are everywhere, and my mother's self hygiene is v poor (long story). She's pretty deaf and has recently lost a lot of her vision so cannot read. She no longer drives and I think holidays are a thing of the past. She is no epicure nor sybarite!!

So, nothing even remotely techy as she refused to learn how to use her iPad when she could still see, and I'm not there to set things up. She can't see to read, knit, do puzzles. The dogs will doubtless wreck/soil/cover in hairs any fabric item.

My sister has bought her some expensive jewellery --

Initial thoughts such as really nice towels, or one of those techy photo frames loaded with pictures, are out for reasons above. Toiletries - no point. Clothes -wouldnt know where to begin. I was going to get her a beautiful heavy velvet throw (soooo tactile!) Then I remembered the dogs. I am taking her for a walk (with an alpaca!! Shh, it's a surprise!) And a meal.

Any ideas?

I haven’t been on the thread for a bit, but I absolutely think you should clear the room. It visually reinforces your position.

If your mum thinks overnight carers are easy to find, she can find one. Can you get her a simple PAYG mobile if that’s a true barrier to her making her own calls?

Yes, you just get post sent to the care home - it becomes the person's home address. Bit like a student hall of residence?

Obviously if someone has POA usually financial stuff then gets sent to them direct.

Care homes accept post, it is the resident's home after all. Mum's medical letters went there but all the financial stuff came to me once I'd used power of attorney.

Mum would have sworn on a stack of bibles that she had no help and did everything for herself and that made me feel invisible and worthless. With hindsight it meant that I was really good at what I did but I'm not sure that having that realisation at the time would have made things any easier for me.

Not sure, I think she's in denial about it. I could write an essay but I won't. She has emailed today but from the tone of her email, she doesn't realise I am worried about me, not her.

Re the carers, it would be them, plus cleaner plus odd jobs eg garden.

Plus a few things need to be sorted in the house - things I offered to do ages ago. I now have no intention of organising them. If she wants to go home she will have to sort them out herself.

My sister went today, she explained that she will be doing next to nothing in future.
I will do finance, accompany to hospital, and things like online shopping.

She said mum didn't show any sign of taking it in, just kept repeating "don't worry about it now". My sister actually took a list of the problems we've faced due to mum's last-minuting everything and left it on the table.

It might be that we get a reprieve if she realises that she has to run her own life now. Also, I must remind her, that house is bloody freezing in winter.

I was going for a social visit on Sunday but I don't feel like socialising so will just drop off a couple of bits I promised to drop off.

btw what happens about post if someone is permanently in a care home? I know she won't like bank statements etc going there, but do care homes accept post anyway?

Also, you're 100% right to want to avoid sorting out a never-ending series of carers.
That would just be a disaster for your mental health.

Emma, do you think she's even accepted that you had a breakdown?
Or has she perhaps put that to the back of her mind, or even deleted it from her memory?

SunshineGlamourIfOnly Love the username!

The friends thing was disappointing because last week they were in favour of her staying there so I thought there'd be back up from them.

No, mum was never a pain till dad died about five years ago. it is a surprise to me. Well, it's a shock really.

I was never raised to expect to care, they always said to just put them in a home when the time came. I'm childfree, very lucky to have only one other member of extended family in this country, never had grandparents, never did any of this. I'm good at caring in a way, helped friends and parents after surgery etc but I feel as if she wants me to be her PA on 12 hour shifts.

The stately homes thread is not remotely my situation. I was lucky to have good parents generally, though dad wasn't the sort I'd choose as a friend. Bit..gruff.? Mum and I were always more cosy.

I'm not well enough to "find assistance" for her and even when we were discussing it before my breakdown, she wanted completely different things than I did. So as she has full mental capacity, she can decide what she wants and organise it. I don't want a bunch of home carers having my number etc. one care home who are set up to deal with problems far better than one carer can.

I have now emailed her doctor, I know she's spoken with him a few times this week but I bet my bottom dollar she's not told him I had a breakdown.

It's not the friends that get pulled into looking after her though, is it? I'm starting to think it's not too much of a surprise that you think that what everyone else wants is more important than what you want. Were you brought up to look after everyone else's needs before your own?
It took therapy to help me see that I had been conditioned this way, so I'm not criticising, but offering a different perspective and a hand hold.
I just really want to say that it is possible to decline to look after your mother. Depending on how you feel, you can offer to find assistance for her or you can say it's simply no longer possible as it's negatively impacting your health. She could stay in the home and you could visit (or not, depending on how much pressure and negativity she piles upon you)

Just because in she has decided in her own mind that you moved in order to do everything for her, doesn't mean that she's right or that you have to!

I get the impression that your mother has always been difficult and that none of this is a surprise to you. Apologies if I'm wrong. I highly recommend looking at the Elderly Parents board on the Out Of The Fog forum to find other people dealing with similar. I found it enormously helpful.

The stately homes thread in our own MN relationships board is also really worth a look.

Yes, I had bad news today in that the two friends who thought she should stay in the care hime have u turned after seeing how much she wants to come home.

A friend was telling me to contact Social Services about my own condition but I'm not sure if that's a good idea, or even how I go about it.

I think that's a really good idea Emerald. You will never be given permission to step back. You just have to do it.

Another one who barely slept last night.

I can't remember when I last updated but dad is still in hospital (day 22). I had an unplanned visit yesterday and they were just putting him on IV fluids (systolic at 66). I don't think he even knew I was there. His consultant is due to phone me today.

I'm away for the weekend (not sure how I'll relax) but my sister flies in today and my cousin tomorrow so visiting is covered as my DC & mum will go too.

MILs care home has a couple of resident cats

Barely slept, sort of dreading the future.

so far, every time I have prepared in advance, I have been right. So now wondering, while mum is away, should I just empty "my" room at her place? She thinks overnight carers are easy to find and will sleep in the spare room. But they can't. It's a lumpy old bed and a room full of junk. That can't be acceptable working conditions?

@Nodancingshoes good news on the bed and hope the sleep was restful and long. We had to buy new bedlinen when MiL was home with hospital bed - she finally tried a duvet😁 and we bought old fashioned brushed cotton sheets - they seemed comforting somehow.

Neighbours cats always used to visit MiL, she had cats and dogs of her own much of her life, so was very happy when the neighbours car snuck in to sleep on a chair. I like the idea of animals visiting care homes - ducks is a new one👍.

Mere don't worry, it's all good.

loving the animal stories.

@EmmaEmerald I don't see your posts as triggering in the normal sense - more that they "trigger" a deep sense of sympathy. They are a reminder of how far I have come and where I could still be.

They do!!! I can't believe how different they are, I'm now convinced Chicken Run was a documentary 😂