Cockroach cafe 🪳 Summer 2023 🪳

@funnelfan where we live there are some charities that offer to help with transport to drs etc. Likely very booked up but worth investigating.

I have lost count of blood tests MiL has had at drs and two hospitals every visit. BUT I was away with two consultant surgeons that explained how GPs and junior doctors are scared of missing something that leads to life threatening issues.

MiL was put on a special pre diabetes plan about 6 years ago, she didn’t like it and was not particularly overweight but eats a lot of processed and sugary foods. The plan included regular visits to a local meeting with tips and chats about healthy living. Pre Dementia this was doable for her - now all she wants are chocolate eclairs which we buy her - she has lost so much weight in the last year that everyone, nurses included are no longer trying to retrain her sweet tooth. At 90 I think she can enjoy her treats👍.

met friends for coffee today, one was saying how a frail elderly relative had taken to wearing a high pair of diamanté covered shoes round the house - friend expressed slight worry of falls - but was forced to agree that they were elegant shoes. You have to smile - apparently after 2 days relative declared they were not comfortable and gave up with them.

Hello everyone! @EmmaEmerald apologies for making assumptions about your relationship with your mother. I am glad you are putting boundaries in place- even though you were forced into it by a mental breakdown. It is so difficult to get the balance right isn't it?

My mother is doing and behaving quite well at the moment. She is getting noticeably more muddled but physically her health and mobility are improving.

There is a lot of denial about her limitations and she's quite convinced she's going to be driving again very soon. Thankfully she has already sold her car! Her optimism is probably a very good thing for her mental health but it takes a bit of a toll on my nerves.

She has a cleaner, a gardener and 2 hours of carers per day, but if i haven't visited for a day or two she'll come up with something very urgent that she thinks will make me drop everything and attend to her immediately. I'm not sure if she's doing it deliberately or if it's a subconscious thing. I've been working on saying no, as long as I know she's safe. She'll threaten to do things like change lightbulbs herself if I tell her to wait for the carer, and I've had to become comfortable with the possibility that she might do herself a mischief. She has started to accept that no means no. Generally she'll not do the thing, so I'm pretty certain it's manipulation. It's hard though!

@Hellokittymania I can't stand people who attempt to take advantage like that! Happy birthday for the near future.

@EmmaEmerald I'm feeling a bit annoyed today as parent playing up, pretending the carers haven't been in (thry have) - I feel a bit resentful because I might have to cancel my weekend plans and visit. We're not close and I've already visited this week. Not sure on the song? Kosheen did a good one "where's the love gone" but think that was 90s!

The issue may well be that if the GP surgery doesn't try to act on a potentially abnormal test result, then they can be held guilty of negligence if the person suffers injury through that.

They will need to record that the problem has been fully discussed with your mum or someone on her behalf. This will be a lot easier if you have PoA. Then consent can either be given or withheld for further testing, but that consent has to be from someone with capacity who, if not your mum, has the legal power to give consent and is doing so in her best interests

So you need to have a proper discussion with someone at the surgery who needs to give you all the facts, and the pros/cons about further tests, before they are likely to take "no" for an answer.

@funnelfan if the result of the blood test is going to be something like trying to change what she eats and drinks, and medication for diabetes, is that going to enhance her life, or just make it more difficult?
Because if it's just going to make things en more difficult than they already are, there is no point in having it.

@funnelfan Call the GP's receptionist and tell them that you are not able to get your mother to the surgery for a blood test. If they consider it to be urgent then they can send someone round to do it, otherwise it will wait until the next time she's through the door for something else. Routine things are all very well but not when it's a major performance just to get out of the door.

I took mum to all her doctor's appointments so I was surprised to arrive one morning and find her with a ball of cotton wool taped to her arm - a nurse had been out to take blood for something I didn't know about and mum didn't remember.

Hellokitty I think we've met before, would have been under a different name for me. I think I gave you tips on nice London parks or something? I always prefer the quietest one I can find 😂

Internally gosh, I'm sorry, I wish I had some advice. Others may do though? My parents never did that. If my parents ever call outside the time discussed, they apologise, it has to be very important for them to do that. They're not text users.

My mum did try a random chatty call when she recovered from dad's death. I cried. It was like you are in this headspace where your parents don't exist and then they spoil it. It was probably shocking for her.

mauvish Families really are shit and after the love has gone (house points if anyone can name who sang that, lol, it's from the 80s) and the sympathy has gone too, there's no reason to put up with foibles. Looking at your mum makes me think I am being overprotective of mine, though some of it is to prevent more inconvenience to me.

Someone upthread suggested getting mum a PAYG phone, she has one, it's 40p a minute calls and she will never let me top up more than a tenner. I've offered to sort a ridiculously cheap contract many times, I'm on £8 a month and am allowed a second one on the same price. Well, that offer was made a year ago so it's probably expired.

Hi everyone, I just noticed this thread, and came on to say hello. I post on other boards, but for those of you who don’t know me, or haven’t seen my previous posts elsewhere, I am visually impaired, I will be turning the big 40 in just under two weeks time, I recently bought a house, well, it’s a nice flat, it’s a penthouse, in Greece, and I’ve been having my fair share of adventures, both good, bad and ugly. As many of you know, on the news, we just went through a very bad wildfire, our area has a military base and next to the base. There is a warehouse full of explosives, which exploded last Thursday, scaring the hell out of me, since I was not Around this kind of thing before… I then found somebody to help me with the cleaning in my home, and she thought it was a great opportunity to take advantage of somebody. She perceived, as very vulnerable and alone. Thankfully, I caught on after just a few days, told her she was no longer needed on Wednesday, and then had to handle it, because she threatened to call the police on me for not having paid her… Thankfully, I have become clever through the years, very street wise, and had her sign every time she received money from me. I am also going to be making a sign for my door with cameras inside, and also put a chain on the inside. This woman was at my door, periodically for a few hours on Wednesday. Thankfully, things have calm down. So anyway, sorry for that, but now you know a bit about me.

my mom is 78, has loads of health problems, including nearly 60 days of constant diarrhea. She went for a colonoscopy a couple of weeks ago, I was up all night, drinking 7 1/2 bottles of water, to encourage her to drink her Gatorade on the medicine before her exam. We were having competitions… I am the person she is closest to, and in my case, it is difficult having a disability, but at the same time also, having an elderly parent who I am trying to support as best I can from far away. She is on her own, so I have been trying to find resources for her as best I can, we speak every day, and , we encourage each other when we can. I’m not sure how many people on this thread, in particular have the same issue, but it is free difficult when you have a disability, but you also have an elderly parent, because people see you as the main person who needs help, and expect the help to come from my elderly mother, who has her fair share of issues, can no longer leave her home, and needs a lot of help herself.

anyway, it’s nice to meet the rest of you, and maybe I will be able to pick up some ideas from all of you, and just be able to speak to people when I need to. If any of you on this thread, do you have siblings with special needs, and you have elderly parents, can I ask how people have been treating your parents? Do they say things like what will happen to your sibling when your parent dies? I find this extremely annoying, people say this to my mom, a lot, and my mom has her own issues to deal with.

on the plus side, I will be going surfing on Monday, it will be my first time ever on a surfboard, let’s hope I can find a swimsuit that is one piece and has a pair of shorts. I am very petite, I am about five stone 10, but I am almost totally blind, and don’t really feel like giving the entire beach view of my… Well, you get the idea.

@IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere , I'd never heard of photo blankets! Thank you! I'll look into them. (It will prob get used as a dog snuggle but I can live with that!)

@theshellbeach, no, discussions have started about some sort of supported living environment for my brother. He admits to being pretty scared about the concept of having to look after himself. I live 5 hours drive away so can't do a lot, and my sister, who lives locally to ma and bro, can't be expected to do more than she does (which I know she feels is more than her fair share, and she's right, but geography dictates that).

Pre - broken-wrist, I told her off pretty sharply once last year for climbing on a stepladder to change a lightbulb! Her reasoning -bro wouldn't know how to! Well neither do any of us until we're taught.

And I don't really blame him. If I'd been waited on for 50+ years and never asked to lift a finger, I probably wouldn't realise what needs doing either.

My mother has an Olympic gold in stubbornness though.

@Mauvish - I understand why a lovely tactile velvet throw would be out of the question (I would love one but with dogs I know it's not an option). But what about a photo blanket? They are not expensive, you can put really big photos on them so she should be able to see and they feel really nice. And can go in the washing machine/tumble dryer with no issues. Also what about a pair of cashmere wrist warmers? Warmth and luxury but not posh clothes that the dogs would ruin/she has nowhere to wear.

@InternallyScreaming I have no idea. I was run ragged caring for my mum and I only got any relief when the crisis came and she went into hospital to be assessed for a possible stroke. At that point we said that we would no longer be providing personal care and while she was there waiting for an increased care package it became apparent that she needed more care than four visits and a daughter on call 24/7.

@Knotaknitter what you have said has really resonated with me. Everything I did was "just a little bit of help now and then" and she could manage fine without me. Like you I felt worthless and unseen but what you have said has made me see things differently. Thank you.

@mauvish has your mother asked you to step in once she's dead, and look after him?

@emmaemerald, I know exactly what you mean about running out of sympathy, I am close to that point. My mum has coped for a long time but things are beginning to fall apart and if she listened, even occasionally, to suggestions from me and my sis, we could avoid some issues. But no. And I've more or less given up. She has capacity so it's up to her.

Yes, she is effectively my bros carer. He is autistic. He could actually do one f* of a lot more in the house and in his life but she has infantilised and institutionalised him. Now we have the extra concern of what on earth he's going to do once she can no longer fulfil what she sees as her maternal role towards him (strangely she didn't feel the same towards me!!) How do you learn to look after yourself when you're 60 and have never even put your own clothes in the wash, or cooked fresh food, or paid a household bill? He is vulnerable by means of his autism (been financially abused by scammers and "friends" in the past)? And she simply won't give him even the gentlest of pushes to start helping her so that he can learn. Of course he is able bodied and so when she broke her wrist earlier this year, she was sent home from hosp with wires on and no support as she told them that her son lived with her ---

Happy families, eh?

How do you step away from all the demands and constant phone calls? I am completely done
I should find it easy as I'm on the stately home thread too but the guilt and emotional blackmail is relentless

@funnelfan I think I'd ask the GP if they can come to the house to take bloods if they think it necessary. They might decide it isn't quite so important.
I do have some sympathy with GPs as for everyone like yourself they probably see someone else who would be howling mmalpractices neglect if everything isn't thrown at a demented, blind, deaf and bed-ridden parent in unmanageable pain just to keep them going an extra week or two.

funnel that sounds mad to me. High side of normal isn't even high.
Last time mum stayed in hospital, they were obsessed with her blood sugar. It's normal level and she is underweight. But then they took it an hour after she ate a banana and came in to say "we must keep an eye on this". When I pointed out she'd had a banana, they at least looked embarrassed.

I find many of mum's medical appointments to be utterly pointless. The fracture clinic, which we thought was very necessary indeed, took a total of four hours of her energy and was inconclusive. I'm not having a go, I realise fractures can be complex. But I wouldn't put anyone through any hassle for a blood sugar test when it's not a problematic figure anyway.

I think this might be one of the current NHS targets, obsession with blood sugar?

@mauvish my mum has poor eyesight too. She likes flowers so for her 80th I got her a nice glass vase with lots of swirly colours in it. Seemed to go down ok, she has it on her window ledge so the light comes through it and she can see the colours.

@EmmaEmerald it sounds like you and your sister are singing from the same hymn sheet to your mum so all you can do for the moment is keep stating what you will do while clearing that room!

I have a question of my own to check I’m not actually on the bad daughter bench for real. Mums GP keeps inviting her for a blood sugar test as it’s previously been on the high side of normal. Any appointment means arranging work so I can wfh at her house and a 200 mile round trip, and the wrangling to get her out of bed, dressed, in the car etc. I do it willingly for most things but on this one, I tend to think - what will it achieve? She weighs 7 and a half stone and lives on biscuits and lucozade, despite the carers best efforts to get her to eat something more nutritious. Even if her blood sugar is too high, so what? We can’t get her to avoid high sugar food and drink as it’s the main source of her calories. She spends most of the day in bed, her quality of life isn’t great and with a dementia diagnosis is never going to get better. I don’t want my mums last years being dragged to multiple medical appointments if they aren’t improving her quality of life.

am I missing something that actually is important? Prolonging her life as long as possible isn’t the aim of DB and I - we accept we’re all mortal and just want her to be safe, comfortable and have as much dignity as we can manage.

Mauvish your 90 year old mother is your brother's carer?

Actually Social Services were providing two carer visits per day, so their assessment of her needs will be the same tbh.

Well, I emailed the doc yesterday and I think it goes from there but not sure.

I wouldn't mind doing stuff that you've mentioned. I don't want to deal with the casual staff she wants to have but actually if social services speak to her, I think that will help. Whether or not they'll do it, I don't know. I think being self funding takes us out of the range of anything really.

Thanks for info re care homes and post, I hope she's still allowed to have it to sent to the house though? It's just a theoretical question atm as I don't think for a minute she will agree.

Knot I know the feeling and I'm sorry.

Sheila she's very adamant that she'd never have an overnight carer but I think it's inevitable. I asked to sort out the spare room years ago. She said no.

Obviously I have completely run out of sympathy and whether or not that sympathy will return, I don't know. I was saying to my sister, if she had just agreed to the prep I wanted to do for years, we wouldn't be in this position.

@EmmaEmerald please speak to social services and tell them that there has been a breakdown in family care and they will need to support your m.
incredibly difficult near neighbour lives alone with significant care input and gas repairs/ garden/ maintenance sorted after her dd who lives v close by completely stepped away. Spectacularly good reason for dds actions, but it can be done.
look after yourself.

That's honestly the only other thing I can think of but looks a bit mean next to my sister's sapphire ring! My daughter said "it's not a competition, is it?" but actually it does feel like one!