Cockroach cafe 🪳 Summer 2023 🪳

No I haven't got angry @EmmaEmerald , I've got tearful and upset. My mum goes into child mode, sulks then gets sarcastic with me and starts saying things like 'I hope you don't get old'
They have always expected me to do what they say, never my siblings as apparently they are too busy , ie all of their life they have too busy to do anything for them

I don’t mind the odd thing - I ran her to lunch with friends last week and obviously doctors and hospitals etc and food shopping I’ve factored in. But if I take her today, it’ll be every week and I’ll be roped into collecting her two friends who go by bus as well.
I didn’t tell her about retirement for a few months - Beginning to regret it now. I have signed up for an art class in September.

Cross posted

So she knows you've retired?

I think you miss work and took on something else...

Exactly.

I made the mistake of talking in depth about the whole thing to my boyfriend last night. The more you talk to someone who hasn't been through it, the more sad you feel.

I feel like a cartoon character with a sad cloud over me today. I just cannot believe what we are all going through. It makes me feel like there should be more awareness and I've never said that about anything!

Oh dear. Mine has just rung to ask what time I’m picking her up to go to the Age Concern group she sometimes attends. Apparently I said I’d take her.
She’s never mentioned it to me and I have plans.
I knew this would happen if I told her I’ve retired.

It’s only a 2 mile trip and she can well afford a taxi.

Any ginger nuts in the bad daughters biscuit tin?

Just say you've got urgent meeting you can't move.

She doesn't need to know it's with a cup of tea and a book!

@Nodancingshoes can you say that something has come up at work, you need to stay later so you can’t come. Or you forgot you had the dentist. Or anything!

She has Careline but I'm not sure I could live with the guilt of not answering...
Shes guilt tripped me into visiting tomorrow after a 10 hour day at work. I really don't want to go. She doesn't need me too, she has the carer and my sister will go in at teatime. I shouldn't have said I'd do it but too late now.
On a lighter note, she got several hundred pounds out at the bank whilst we were out today and asked for it all in £5 notes so I'm sure they were thrilled 🤣

Thanks Mere that will throw mum completely though

Nodancingshoes I really sympathise. Does she have an emergency button? Is there any way you could ignore her calls safe in the knowledge she can press that for a real emergency?

@Nodancingshoes get it out. The relief of not having calls, and we only had it for a short while is huge. It is exhausting.

Sending you all strength always.
Today was my nans 98th birthday. We took her into town in a wheelchair for coffee and cake - me, sis, bil and 4 out of 6 great grandchildren. It still isn't enough. She's just rang me cos she dropped the stand to her plastic mirror and can't find it. The mirror does not need the stand to function so I've told her to ask the carer to find it in the morning. Fully expecting a further 'emergency' later to get me there. I love her but, I want to help her but I am getting to the point where I can't do this anymore. I cant be on call 24 hours a day. Physically there's not much wrong with her, it's all mental. She's lonely and bored. I get it. If 3 visits a day from the carer plus me and my sister isn't enough I just don't know what will be.
Sorry for the long post - i need to get it out

venusandmars also, it's not really "worry" about what will happen. It's mostly fury that I can't just leave her to the care home. I really thought if she reached this stage, she'd go in a home or have a lot of home care.

InternallyScreaming I don't have anything like what you've got, demand wise. I have said in the past that sometimes it's worth getting angry, have you done that?

I hear you @EmmaEmerald , it's just endless , I've said time and time again that I can't do everything
Then they'll ring again or try my hisband/children
They won't consider paying for any help as they are 'fine' everything falls on deaf ears

venusandmars "And ultimately you cannot be of any long-term support if you are not long-term strong enough in yourself"

I don't want to be her support any more though. Hence I dread everything. There is no one else to do it.

@EmmaEmerald you need this time to focus on yourself, as much as you can. I understand your feeling of dread (been there) but you will not recover if you are continually imagining yourself in the next stage of your Mum's process. And ultimately you cannot be of any long-term support if you are not long-term strong enough in yourself.

How can you find a way to leave that to 'what will be' and be entirely absorbed in your own day-to-day life? Worrying about what will happen will not really make it any better or easier.

All meant very kindly and gently.

Thank you
the care home recommendation was Home Instead.

I have a feeling we will hear nothing from Social Services and that telling mum's doctor was irrelevant. I can't believe I'm already dreading her return home. I only got about 3 hours sleep last night.

Agree.

Moaning is a large part of what this thread is for, surely!

I rang the Natwest number and it says to enter your online banking passcode.

@MereDintofPandiculation really good to know that and I know other banks are aware they must do more. To be fair to Barclays I phone and they have been really helpful. MiL kept forgetting her phone passwords . I found endless new ones written on slips of paper. She thought the recorded message was a real person who wasn’t listening. 🙁.

Visit today and she was quite ‘with it’ and is now saying she knows she is safe and the food is good. Still a few anxiety issues and paranoid, but much more aware than before. Really lovely young nurse was with her when we arrived, MiL she says is her favourite 👍… She still thinks I am having twins which is biologically impossible (too old). 🤣. We got her sister on our phone for her, which I don’t think was such a good idea after all as she appears to have no idea how unwell MiL has been or of her dementia. She told DH several times ‘your mother doesn’t want to be in a care home!’ Seems to think MiL could walk if we fetched her walking stick🤔

she is elder sister (93) bossy and always right, MiL rather in awe of her…. Whilst being a little afraid and jealous too I think. I felt a little sad and upset because MiL is saying ‘I love you’ and sister barely responds more than ‘OK, bye’. She has apparently never forgiven us for not christening our children. - or so I was told some years ago. 😮

My ma was telling me about her dedicated NatWest number on Friday - she thought it was for the over 80s though…! She could not praise it highly enough - it’s the sort of thing that might even persuade me to move banks once I get to her age.

@SunshineGlamourIfOnly @EmotionalBlackmail
wont derail the overall thread with moaning but omg I feel you. Hugs.
Am only child so just have to deal with it. Prob easier in some ways. Am visiting tomorrow with DH so will get best behaviour.

@EmmaEmerald re care agencies word of mouth locally is the best recommendation- gp surgery may have a view, adult social care should have lists on their county council website.
home instead are a national franchise with mostly excellent reviews but they are not cheap.
dm had a small local agency of an ex social services team who were v good.