Cockroach cafe 🪳 Summer 2023 🪳

Oh I see
but really that should have been caught before the referral even happened.

Nodancing is it the general neediness that's doing your head in?

Good grief.
Would they be incapable of dialling 999 if for some unfathomable reason, the cataract procedure caused her pacemaker to fail?

@Nodancingshoes - sorry to read today was a bad day. Sometimes it seems that in trying to make our "olds" have good days we end up having bad days 🙁

The hospital - Optigra to name names - told me they had no emergency facilities should my DM need them during the procedure & therefore she'd have to have the procedure done in an NHS hospital.

I was wondering how MintyCedric is doing, if you're lurking, hello!

Hi Little

if your biscuits have gone stale, you clearly need people to help you eat nice fresh ones in future!

have a hug if you want one. When my dad had cancer, mum would have knocked herself out caring for him. It is very hard.

Welcome @LittleMy77 You'll find a heap of support and understanding here.

Currently in the trenches so can't do long post sorry x

Asking if I can pull up a seat with my slightly stale crunch cream biscuits

Been reading the thread(s) and so much resonates. Currently grappling with parents in their late 70’s who are varyingly quite ill, with mum currently in hospital due to terminal cancer complications and other complex underlying illness and dad struggling with various heart issues (i’m sure my mum lurks on here so not going into too much detail)

Last three weeks have been awful (last few months haven’t been great either) with emergency A&E admissions for both. we have a good palliative care team and their local hospital is ok, but fml, me and siblings are at band end trying to hold together and keep them
functional and it’s so bloody hard. I suspect Dad is on verge of a carer breakdown but refuses to get help / go to GP and we can’t make him.

Every thing we suggest past or present to help has been met with a no or slidey eyes (aka won’t commit = big fat no) which means something then becomes an emergency and then it’s a huge ballache to get it done asap as there’s no lead time - extra caters, mobility aids etc

Am currently being a grumpy bastard switching between resentment and anger (whilst trying not to show it - badly) as it’s so all bloody consuming

Apologies for ramble, it’s carthatic tho 😉

My nan used to love knitting but she's not doing it anymore - I don't know why not because it gives her alot of pleasure. She also loves her TV but she's not even putting that on much anymore. Today was bad. I feel close to breaking down to be honest.

I would have thought being elderly and having a pacemaker were not unusual characteristics of someone requiring a cataract op, so that sounds very frustrating indeed @MissMarplesNiece. But isn’t the cataract operation done while the patient is awake? Both parents and my grandma had them done. As far as I can recall, all said it was over and done really quickly, they just felt a bit of fiddling and tugging around the eye. I can’t see why having a pacemaker would be a problem for this but then I’m not a medic…

This is so very sad 😔 Can appreciate that there is a higher risk but so unfair that she can no longer do the things she loves. You'd expect to have to sign a disclaimer. It's ageism really. Really sorry for you both.

Singing is great, takes the mind on another path and great stress relief (and yes I am in a choir). Some may recall that story on BBC about music teacher who wrote music for school musicals, suffering with dementia but able to play every song he wrote at the piano. My uncle wrote the lyrics for all
the songs and they released a new one with Aled Jones to raise funds for dementia.

They worked together for several years and I went to their musicals. I found MiL piano grade certificate - maybe I should dig out our electric keyboard🤔

@TucSandwich thanks for mentioning this. I need to check with the home about this as we did discuss this with them previously.
The ambulance crew called the out of hrs dr and he suggested going to hospital. The ambulance crew seemed to agree with me and Dad that this is not in her best interest.

We have RESPECT plans in place for both mum and dad at the care home. This should ensure they aren't taken to hospital except in certain specific circumstances, but will be kept comfortable in the home.

I'm feeling particularly sad today.
I was with my mum yesterday. She's waiting for a cataract op. She actually got to the front of the waiting list & we went to the hospital all prepared. Only it was a private hospital being used by the NHS and they decided they couldn't deal with an elderly lady with a pacemaker and referred her back to the NHS - and this was after a preop visit. To say I was flipping fuming is an understatement......

Anyway, I digress. I was with my mum who now can't see to do her hobbies - reading and crochet/knitting, is extremely immobile and can't even walk in the garden without losing her balance. She seems to have lost the ability to put a CD in her CD player so even talking books are no good. I know she's bored and depressed because she sees herself losing so much of her capabilities, and it makes me sad because I see that too.

I see so many of us on here writing about our "olds" who lose so much.

The care home had the ambulance out to Mum at the weekend as she had some kind of seizure. My Dad called me and he thought she had died. I got there and she had come round but was more confused than normal. We declined going to a & e for brain scan as it would only cause her stress. Ambulance crew said we have to make it clear we don't want her to go to hospital and would rather she stays in the home where she is comfortable.
She's had the Alzheimer's diagnosis for 4 years now and as many of you know things don't get any easier. My Mum wouldn't do the gardening in a dirty top and now it's a struggle to get her showered and to change her clothes.

Lie in bed and watch old films on tv. It’s on 24 hours a day whether she’s awake or asleep.

She used to take great pleasure in classical music and reading, gardening, playing bridge and walking. It’s such a shame how much her world has shrunk. Reading went when her eyesight started failing. I’m not sure when music went, a while now. I think it’s linked to her not being able to use the cd player or tv properly. I took a radio in when she was in hospital and she really enjoyed classic fm, but she’s not shown any interest at home when I’ve offered to put it on.

My mum can't hold a conversation but she can recite a poem she learned in school over 70 years ago. Also she sings beautifully. She comes alive when they bring out the karaoke machine.

@EmmaEmerald interesting about poetry. My FIL can not longer read or follow a story but I wonder about poetry that he might remember from his past. I'll try that - and it's good to have something new to work on.

@venusandmars i love your dream plan and it shouldn’t be taboo - my ‘baby sister has all sorts of instructions written down for funeral etc. @Knotaknitter i think that inability to follow a book anymore is really sad - I used to send my aunt books and magazines after I had read them and my MiL loved a good murder mystery. She asked me to order a new batch this year, they are in pristine condition in a drawer. She didn’t throw anything out, every card, Every letter, every accompanying envelope, 25 years of TV licences. 😁. Some interesting or rather sweet things, others not, gas bills for the house she left 14 years ago. 🤔.

Under normal circumstances, mum is a big reader. She also watched lectures etc on Youtube, and poetry readings.

that's stopped apart from the poetry readings. I can't get her interested in anything really, she likes to limit her TV as well as I think it's too much for her.

this was prior to the stroke in November.

She has an 88 year old neighbour who loves puzzles, I honestly think she might have a 5000 piece one!

Knot I don't know how you coped with that. I might need to work on resilience or something?

Mum would spend just about every daylight hour in the garden, after gardening she'd watch tv. If raining she'd "tidy" which would mean I had to go through the dustbin the next day recovering chargers, medication, letters from the hospital and anything else she hadn't recognised. She'd lost the ability to follow a book, even if it was one she'd read before.

I'm chuckling at the description of gardeners as young men with power tools, because that is a perfect description of DM's gardeners! To be fair, all we wanted for them to do was a regular visit to cut the grass and tackle the weeds, and they are doing a cracking job of that. They come every couple of weeks and charge £25, and are there about 45 minutes. My parents used to be keen gardeners and plant loads of annuals so it's less flowery than it used to be, but I'll take tidy any day.

It makes such a big difference to the look of the house. DB has also recently tackled some peeling paintwork at the front, so overall it's no longer looking neglected and the residence of someone vulnerable. Makes a big difference I think.

What does your aged relative do to occupy their time?

Gardeners where I live want to put down hardlandscaping and artificial grass!

@Juneday In my 'end of life' plans are an express wish to die outside - even if it's the middle of the night and raining. My preference would be to ask my 'carebot' to wheel my bed into the garden on a sunny day - somewhere surrounded by scented flowers - sweet peas, lillies, night scented stock (in case it takes a while), the sound of birdsong and bees (if there are any left by then); a bottle of my favourite wine and some carefully secreted sleeping tablets. But I know that idyl doesn't exist. And apologies if this is upsetting to anyone.

@PermanentTemporary that is interesting about MIL's being paramount - and althugh she has slight dementia, she is fully competent - just don't ask which day of the week it is. The challenge is that dh and his siblings are not quite on the same page and the one who has most interaction with the care home staff has not really encountered death and dying and would presseerve their Mum's life at all costs. It was a challenge to get the DNR.

@BestIsWest that's the sort of thing my mum would do and then she paid a real rip off price for the garden work. I told a friend who does garden work and he was horrified at the £4000 she paid. His estimate from my description was £1000-£1200 and he doesn't charge stupidly low rates.
I still feel embarrassed at her loudly proclaiming that £40 was a horrendous price for a dress to wear to her grandson's wedding.