Cockroach cafe 🪳 Summer 2023 🪳

We've had a small breakthrough! I took nan in the car to the Supermarket and she walked around with her walker to get her shopping (with me close behind). She was tired after but seemed to cheer her up no end! Her nephew has been in to see her today so I've had a rest - back to it tomorrow!

sorry countrygirl that's so hard to manage.

what's your mum like? Would she tolerate welfare visits?

is there anyone at a local church who'd help? I've sorted this for people in the past (not mum).

And thinking about it mum is sometimes out when they come late morning so clearly not ill/on the floor - she has activities most days Monday to Friday. Those days they could check the fridge and be out in less than 10 minutes without risking mum giving them grief.

@EmmaEmerald all they need to do is check she is OK as in not actually ill/lying on the floor and check the fridge a couple of times a week. 15 minutes is ample. They do it when DB has called to complain but it tails off after 2-3 months and we have to complain again. Mum has clearly lost her sense of smell as there have been times when the smell in her fridge has made me want to throw up. I go up once a fortnight and I live the closest but not close enough to check more regularly.
Mum is at that really difficult stage where she can mostly look after herself provided everything is routine (other than realising how long food has been sitting in the fridge) but non routine stuff is a nightmare. She doesn't realise how much support she needs as she doesn't remember the crises and thinks she looks after her finances even though DB has sorted her insurances and paid non direct debit bills since before dad died. She will go off and try and organise maintenance but make a hash of it or not realise something needs doing so there's a different crisis. What she really needs is to live with someone who knows to check whether she's switched the boiler off before she phones British Gas to get an engineer out or put the rest of the packet of fish fingers in the freezer not the fridge where it lingers for a fortnight or to say that mice in the kitchen need dealing with. That's hard to do from a distance but isn't something carers will cover.

countrygirl Sorry to say but could it be the council link and the 15 mins that's part of the problem?

I don't know what the £ situation is of course, but it's such a small window of time, I'm impressed how much can be done in that time but it will depend on the person and councils have roolz even if self funding.

hellokitty yes, I am making sure to eat well but I'm occasionally getting that feeling of being so tired, it doesn't make a difference? But I am on it. Nice bowl of strawberries for afternoon snack awaits.

Emotional I had a breakdown in my 20s and was back at work within a week. I stayed with my parents for a month so no cooking or cleaning etc but I found the breakdown was rock bottom. I didn't feel the physical effects so nuch but I think that's probably due to being much younger. Also, I wasn't on meds at that time, so starting them gave me a huge boost. This time I was already maxed out on meds.

I guess also life takes it out of you. I had to politely ask my young boyfriend to stop saying cheery stuff. I don't want to burst his bubble but he's still of the school of "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger" whereas I find myself thinking, how much shit and burnout can one person take in a lifetime?!

I agree with posters saying knowing about care is taking on more responsibility. I will ponder. I do think it will be useful to know if it's daily or whatever.

The reality is, I do need help from others and if those others are not happy with me completely stepping away, I can't ask for help for myself IYSWIM. One set of mum's neighbours, I consider to be family. And they're round the corner so...I appreciate I'm hyperconscious because of previous major injury, but if I needed help myself, they are the people I'd call. Though interestingly, they are split - the husband doesn't understand why I can't cope, the wife does understand and was hoping mum would stay in the care home too.

My boyfriend and best friend are about two hours away and best friend has elderly parent issues.

@Knotaknitter it gets complicated. If the council were paying they wouldn't cover going through the fridge as a task but because we are paying we could specify that as a task. We get the lower rate as they just include the time on the council invoice and the council recharge us. Even with the management fee from the council (£10 per month) it sav3s a huge amount of money. The savings wouldn't be as large if she had multiple or longer visits but at the moment she pays about a 3rd of the cost it would be if it was a direct contract due to the minimum daily charge.

@countrygirl99 MIL's council-organised carers didn't go through the fridge. It wasn't part of their contract with the council - if you paid privately then they would do all sorts of things that weren't included in the council contract. After it was pointed out that she had no sense of taste or smell and had been very ill in hospital for nearly three weeks because she'd given herself food poisoning it became possible.

@EmmaEmerald If your mother has sorted out her own care then let her. It's good experience for her and there's no reason for you to be double checking her work unless you are asked to do so. Let her live her own life for as long as possible (leaving you to get on with living yours). You are stepping back remember, so step back.

As for me, I think I'm done with visiting MIL every week. She doesn't know who I am and she can't wait to be rid of me which she does by announcing that she's tired and going to bed. It's a fifty minute round trip and I spend about ten minutes attempting to make conversation. She doesn't want me there, I don't want to be there and the only real reason I'm there is .. well I'm not sure really. It's the guilt and shame thing I suppose. If she was in the home that my mother was in, five minutes door to door, I wouldn't mind. It's the travel time that I begrudge.

@EmmaEmerald please take more time out! Three weeks isn't enough!

I've had a breakdown - not caused by elderly parents but work - years ago and I was also anticipating being back up and running within a few weeks. I don't want to scare you but it took me about nine months in the end, partly because I'd got into such a bad place beforehand. I did emerge out the other side stronger and more able than before but it was a long process!

@EmmaEmerald I think your friends are not really understanding the difference between a breakdown and 'things just getting on top of you'. In the latter, yes - a holiday or a few days to regroup, is enough. More resolve ready to get back in there again. But you had a breakdown. It's a real thing and built up from years of responding and responsibility. It doesn't matter if others have 'coped' with far worse; it doesn't matter whether other people think you should be 'getting over it'. You know the immense feelings of overwhelm. Listen to that and trust your only judgement about yourself.

Take more time.

You 'knowing what care is in place' is you taking on partial responsibility - again- and far too soon. Be gentle on yourself, and gently let go of the need to know, or worry, about what care is in place.

EmmaEmerald, you cannot provide this level of suport and care (or any level) if you do not have your own inner strength. Take time to recuperate, to build up your inner confidence and resources (including the confidence to say 'no').

Things for your Mum will either work out, or they won't. Let it be.

@EmmaEmerald self funded but organised via the council. This way we can pay for 1 x 15 mins at a lower rate. If we go to a private contract it will be minimum 45 minutes at a higher rate. Mum only needs someone to check she's upright and the fridge is OK.

Emerald, I really feel for you. I live in an ocean away from my mother, and she is not very forthcoming in exactly what is going on, I think partly not to worry me because I am also going through my fair share of a difficult time right now. It’s hard…

as far as being tired and doing little things, I also understand that. Can you at least try to focus on two things each day that will help you to take care of yourself, like eating enough and sleeping enough? Hard to do, I know. even if you are too tired to cook, can you maybe prepare some basic and easy things that will keep you going, salads, yogurt, fruit, if this is an issue for you.

Good point, thank you.

Maybe, if it is unsuitable, you might feel tempted to spring into action to make improvements?

Wouldn't it be better just to let it happen - whatever "it" is - and if your mother has made a hideous mistake, let it dawn on her that you were right in the first place?

Tbh the visit is more for my benefit

I feel as if I would like to know what care she has in place

but maybe I shouldn't know?

People, including my own friends, are talking to me like I should be fine now, after three weeks.

I feel overwhelmed by even the smallest tasks I have to do for myself.

.......which just shows that three weeks is nowhere near long enough to get over what has happened to you, @EmmaEmerald

You need a good long rest, without distractions and stressors. I'm sorry your friends (and probably your mother, too) are failing to understand.

People/your friends can think what they like, it is your health and your body, not theirs

Sorry, I meant “if ever choosing”!

@EmmaEmerald do not visit before hee return. If ever I’m doing between two options, do less not more at the moment

These are private carers?

I'm not sure if I'm still tired from the breakdown or in freeze mode.

I had a productive couple of days but paying the price today I think. Cancelled a visit to see mum as it wasn't going to do me any good. Sis and I both asked if mum would extend her respite stay. She said no.

So she's due back next week. People, including my own friends, are talking to me like I should be fine now, after three weeks.

She's organising her own care for her return. I am keeping out of it. I'm not sure whether I should visit again before her return or not.

I feel overwhelmed by even the smallest tasks I have to do for myself.

Hi everyone, just an update, I am feeling a lot more relaxed and not so stressed, I think I might have found a cleaner, this was my third attempt and I just set up front, I’m dealing with a lot of stress, I have a sick mother, I’m a foreigner in a new country with a new home, and I don’t want to be taken advantage of like I have with the other two cleaners. I want to pay someone to do as I ask around my home, and to listen. I think she finally got it.

I also had a really good nights sleep, which I haven’t had in a long time. I did not get to go away to Crete for my birthday, but I found out yesterday there was an earthquake on Sunday, and I would have been there. We just had fires and an ammunition warehouse explosion here where I live, and I don’t think I would’ve wanted an earthquake on top of everything else. I am not a big fan of them, they really scare me and I’m still having nightmares from the fires… It’s like everything is over my head right now and it’s so difficult.

I thought about things with the home for a while, I think I will compromise and just do what makes my mom happy, when she’s not here, I can think about what to do, but it does keep the peace between us. I know as a mom who has a daughter with a disability, she does get very concerned, and I tried to put myself in her shoes. But on the other hand it is very difficult to be dealing with everything here, and on top of it I’m not sleeping very much, and somebody pointed out yesterday I’m not eating very much, because I’m trying to support her and do everything else and settle here.

I do have a second bedroom here, she loved this place when she came to help me to find it. I’m not sure if she will be well enough to come here, which I have mixed feelings about. I really wish she would come here, she would have company, she would have help, and being here wouldn’t cause her to worry so much about me. I know she’s comfortable in Florida, but she is alone and she’s not leaving her house and is very isolated.

it’s a tough one, and yesterday, when I was having a very bad day, my friends reached out and said they’re there, they will support me with whatever I need, and one suggested maybe I can also see a psychologist to help to find ways of dealing with major stress. It is not easy to be doing what I’m doing, and I have a disability on top of it in a country which isn’t really disability friendly. I was doing a lot on Greek TikTok, but it was to help families with people with disabilities, but I’m giving away a lot of my privacy, and in general, I’m a very private person and when you’re feeling down and you also have lots of comments from strangers who think they know your life, it doesn’t help. I had thought of setting up a website, specifically for Greece, with information, with webinars, with some videos on how to cook, how to do activities, things that you find in England very easily, but not so easily here. It might also help me to have some privacy because TikTok, as some of you may know, is full of teenagers, who say whatever they want and forget there is a person on the other side who is trying to handle so much.

MiL orthopaedic appointment was brought forward. Care home rang and said they found the screw in her bed and plaster removed. This is the screw that has become exposed! We are told she cooperated and had an x-ray and is back on antiobiotics because of infection worries. We were away but another family member due to visit her at the nursing home so waiting to hear their feed back however, I had an email from senior nurse who said MiL just wants to sleep and her care needs now are 24 hours a day. She didn’t elaborate. As we don’t have PoA on health & well being I assume we just wait to find out what this all means. 🤔🙁

Oh, and newest of the day, I had a huge argument with my mother, I know she is on well, I’m trying to be supportive of her while going through all of this. My mom does not live in Greece, and just can’t put herself in my shoes at the moment. She wanted me to have a home, which I have, but at the end of the day, it is my home, I will do as I want to with it, and I don’t need the strings attached, or to feel guilty every time I don’t do as she wants. I might have a disability, yes, but I have done so much in my lifetime , and I think part of her protective nurses just for her own benefit, not from mine. It is some thing for her to do.

Emotional blackmail, I hope so… I wish I could find out if there was a volunteering association in my area, Greeks don’t seem to volunteer much, but doing something like this would help to keep me busy and keep my mind occupied. A lot of blind people in Greece, work in the government or public sector, which I can’t do as a foreigner. I am looking into setting up my own business, but again, I live in a smaller area, which has a very specific, and quite negative attitude towards disability, it is improving, but it takes time… I’m thinking of possibly doing some thing online. There was a café here, which hired people with autism and so on, but it closed down, and I have a feeling it might have closed because of peoples attitudes toward disability. I know the café was in a strange location, but I also don’t think people are going much…

and a funny one, but not so funny, thanks for the title of the thread, I have had a giant cockroach in my bedroom every night this week… I have been trying to hear where it is going, so I can spray it, but even with loads of spray, it is still alive and well and moving around.

Oh dear @Hellokittymania but it sounds like you might be in the worst phase now so the only way is up?!
I found 4-6 months after the move the hardest - lots of excitement and adrenaline to make the move happen and initially settling in. Then went into a sort of hump of missing the old stuff, having to get things sorted etc.
After that it started to get better.

Emotional blackmail, I have had this place for five months now and, yes it’s very hard, sometimes I think being a homeowner is overrated, and it’s a lot of work. I do try and do little things to make my life easy, and happy, I posted another thread a few weeks ago about my experience with a cleaner and taking advantage of me… I still have not been able to find a cleaner who just only wants to come and clean, and doesn’t tell me my sofa is in the wrong place, I need to put curtains, etc. etc. My home fits my needs, even though I do feel like renting it out and just leaving. it’s the one time I have been able to put my furniture in places where I can navigate my home easily, dance around when I want and not have to worry about falling over tables and chairs…