Cockroach cafe 🪳 Summer 2023 🪳

Typos 😮

@TheShellBeach i do agree and I think the system likely needs an overhaul and I can also see that GPS can’t be the person to have responsibility. My mother gave up aged 81 up because she knew she wasn’t up to driving, but has none of the conditions. My 92 year old aunt was driving and had an accident the details of which have never been shared, the airbag blue up as it should but she was so small it appears to have given her a head injury - she died two weeks later. She was driving to Tesco. I know about the DVLA reporting and am looking into it.

we have better news with mother in law in terms of her on going care - keeping fingers crossed until confirmed. Also found council online chat person really helpful about council tax. And help the aged rang to ask if MiL was still looking for a cleaner. I said no longer needed, it was a 10 week wait for a slot, but they were honest about how popular it was. So someone will get that call instead. 😁

They didn't make FIL take an assessment. They just wrote to him and asked if he had any of a list of conditions. He wrote back and said no and that was it.

Anyone can report a dangerous driver to the DVLA and they will make them have a driving assessment.
The DVLA do not tell the driver who reported them.
I reported a 96 year old woman (who had backed her car into mine on her driveway, amongst other transgressions on the road).
She actually ran someone over the day before her assessment, and the police took her keys away.
It's nonsense for people to bleat about people's independence, when they could kill someone.

I'm aghast at what some of us are having to cope with.

I now understand why there's people in care homes and hospitals with no visitors.

It’s hard isn’t it. My father doesn’t have dementia or any of the listed health conditions, he is and really always has been a poor driver but is getting worse - he is beginning to forget things, get names wrong and couldn’t remember the sequence of numbers of his PIN, he shuffles more when he walks but would still beat many at The Chaser, paints, writes and goes for a daily walk. He can email but refuses to stick with using a smart phone. No GP would have any reason to say no to DVLA …. For years a good friend of my parents owned a garage so all car work was Mates rates, she has recently sold up and just retired in her 70s - she is a fab women, running a garage full of panel beaters and mechanics for years. Maybe the full costs will make him think twice / DF is proud of knowing nothing about cars and loud about his dislike for J Clarkson claiming he encourages youngsters to speed and kill people. We gave up arguing against that years ago.

My mother's lack of insight into her driving skills was a major cause of stress for me that last year. I refused to put petrol in the car because that's part of driving and if you can't fill it up then you shouldn't be driving. she'd filled up at the same pump for twenty years but they went to pay at pump and she couldn't manage the change of finding another petrol station.

She was adamant that she was perfectly fine to drive even though she couldn't recognise the butter in the fridge and had to pull everything out and read the labels. That was different, she'd be fine recognising a cyclist at a junction. Finally, winter came and we agreed that she'd take the car off the road for the winter. We agreed that she might as well get the insurance back, I let her deal with the tax, the MOT and the renewal of her license and of course she didn't do any of them. I put a big sign on the steering wheel to say that it was off the road for the winter and had no tax or MOT and was illegal to drive, after that I breathed a sigh of relief.

She didn't go anywhere other than to the library, it was the freedom that she could if she wanted to.

We went through this with FIL. Any suggestion that he shouldn't be driving just led to absolute rages. After I followed him one day I contacted DVLC but as he didn't have a condition that required him to stop driving that was a dead end. But he had lost the ability to judge speed and distance and he wandered all over the road. In the end he had an accident that thankfully didn't involve anyone else but he wrote off his car and the police were involved as they had to close the road for a while. They wrote to him to say they wouldn't prosecuted more dangerous driving if he had a full medical. He sent back his licence the day he got the letter. Up to that point his sister in law had been planning to give him money towards another car.

@EmmaEmerald it is my S in law, whom
i love to bits, but she is so kind to those she knows and loves that is how she thinks, she went through this with her father in village with poor transport and it was her sister who insisted they get advice and some tests when their father was showing signs of dementia and other health issues. She didn’t want him upset at being told he was tool
old to drive.

I told her it isn’t just about my father, but the accident he might cause with others. It is also awkward because my parents ask when my children might visit, but I won’t send them until dads car is gone. But my kids don’t have cars and one doesn’t drive - so a visit isn’t going to happen. 🙁. My father doesn’t have dementia or signs atm but tbh he has never been a good driver, he just doesn’t read the road etc. He took 5 attempts to pass his test in his 20s - that says it all I think.

June I'm surprised at your sister's view. The potential for killing some poor soul is huge.

for me, it was a non-negotiable and I am in contact with her GP, sit in on appts etc so it was easy. Do you accompany to appts?

I discussed this with sister and SiL and SiL was saying please don’t they will be devastated to loose their freedom

@Juneday i understand, but you have to ask your sister and SIL how devastated they would be if they had an accident. How confident are you they’d be able to deal with a pet or child running in the road? Someone crossing the road against the lights? Overtaking a cyclist? Manoeuvring safely in and out of spaces in car parks? Not getting confused and driving the wrong way down a one way street or a dual carriageway? It doesn’t have to be a “big” accident at speed to have a terrible impact on them and others.

I’m hoping self drive cars will be the thing by the time I’m that age and I can simply get in and tell it where to go and it will then take itself off to park and charge before taking me home.

@EmmaEmerald & @funnelfan i was thinking about contacting his GP and also trying to find out who his insurance is with. I know you can make contact with DVLA. I discussed this with sister and SiL and SiL was saying please don’t they will be devastated to loose their freedom…. I have a friend whose DB actually cut wires so the car wouldn’t start because mother wouldn’t hand over keys despite severe issues with dementia. She thought the car had a fault and simply gave up on driving them. In contrast my father got mothers car MOT and reinsured it even though she can’t and won’t drive. He is cross that she stopped driving 🙁. I have had a few fall outs with him over the years, he ruined my 60th family do that I didn’t want but both parents insisted I had. DH and I bite our tongues all the time because he is so keen to be centre of attention which often includes saying things to cause an argument. He had a moment when I offered to show him something on my phone about the Lionesses ‘screaming about awful IT and phones.’ If I challenged every claim and idiotic statement he made we would argue continually. My brother finds the same. My sister not so much. DM is far from easy - but she did stop him going further on his anti phone rant!!

I am sure many of us have wondered if our parents weren’t our parents but contemporaries would we be friends? I think I would quickly find my father very irritating and likely not. My mother whilst having no whilst being a little narrow and not interested in reading, is nevertheless astute, a great judge of people and loves cooking and gardening and interiors, so we can find common ground and she is rarely confrontational with me. I think I would be friends with her. But she doesn’t suffer fools and can be very stubborn! We might fall out -she has done with a few friends and I her sister on and off.

I am more of a people pleaser I think.

Juneday have you alerted his doctor?

I told mum's doctor I'd take the car keys myself if I had to. There was a tiny bit of sulking but not much.

funnel the GP thing is complicated, we initially felt an increase in dosage and some diazepam for sleep would do. I suppose it's worse now because mum is due back home. The only way to get an urgent appointment is now to fill in a form online at 6.30am - well you can do it later but I imagine chances are better the earlier you do it.

I wonder if a change of meds would be better. I found zolpidem good for sleep when dad was dying but they don't like prescribing it.

this is so much a case of the situation, I wonder if it's going to make any difference?

another factor is - spoilt brat alert - I bought a small flat, teeny, near mum, but my other flat remains unsold. I could go back there and rent this one out. I didn't appreciate the size of the other one till I lived in this one. Horrible rough area though. And I don't know what happens with mum emergencies if I do that.

there is a buyer for my flat but his mortgage offer was withdrawn and for a bonkers reason, if the truth is being told. So he won't be hugely surprised if I pull out.

I don't think I'm in a fit condition to make good judgements atm.

@EmmaEmerald as in nothing seems quite real? That would seem to indicate that you're still quite poorly and needing to heal mentally. I'm sorry to have lost track with all the conversations going on here - have you seen a GP following your breakdown?

@Juneday please do pursue this one - it doesn't seem fair that the only way your dad will see sense is through an event that causes damage to someone elses' property and potentially causes someone else injury.

Oh actually I might mean derealisation.

I've gone all tearful and I think it's because I miss my mum

but which version?

also strong sense of depersonalisation.

Thank you for that I will share with my siblings too @funnelfan and I agree with all you say. There is part of me that feels he needs that sort of shock minor incident - he did have an expensive repair that he says must have been someone hitting his car in a car park. We suspect him hitting an object in a car park is more likely. And taxis will be the solution and are being used on occasion, but my parents swear there is only one man in the area who is prepared to be a taxi driver and so very busy. I am going to research further. They are very poorly served on the bus front and can’t get to the bus stop anyway. They can afford a taxi account but they do go out every day so they need to grin and bear it. Recently they have become busy with U3A - I just hope designated driver is someone with better skills!

@Juneday ah, the perennial driving dilemma. We were fortunate in never having to have had THAT conversation - Dad had strokes and realised himself he'd never be safe to drive again, and Mum had a couple of minor incidents (misjudged overtaking a parked car was one) that shook her confidence and she realised the insurance money would pay for a lot of taxis instead.

Its a big loss of independence not being able to jump in the car and go somewhere if you're used to it, so I do sympathise but the idea that your dad isn't even wearing his glasses or hearing aids when driving makes me . I would think that he's been very lucky that everyone else around him has been paying attention and made allowances for his driving. This is one area though of their life that does impact other people if he caused an accident so I'd be tempted to follow this one up. Age UK has some good advice. https://www.ageuk.org.uk/information-advice/travel-hobbies/driving/worried-about-someones-driving/

@Nodancingshoes that sounds positive and I hope you got a bit of a break. @funnelfan shouldn’t laugh because it could have been so much worse than a graze! I think my mother is going to go for a falls alarm as she is also like a weeble, she can’t stand still without feeling wobbly, but can walk very slowly with help. Refuses a stick of course. She has said she will only put it on when alone in the house. (Essentially when my father is out).

third time lucky for me today, hospital equipment has been picked up from the flat after they twice went to the wrong place!

stuck is slightly grey area of SW saying MiL respite care must now be permanent and what she meant by ‘looking into NHS’ funding and what happens in the interim. Explained the possibilities to DH as he is the person who gets the calls from SW.

discovered my DM tells my father to drive at 20 mph at all times unless on a dual carriageway 😮. I tried to explain he might actually cause an accident if a frustrated driver tries to overtake. She can’t see it. DD is 87 and has never been a great driver, always distracted, doesn’t wear his glasses or have hearing aid in when driving. But DVLA seem happy to renew his licence. He doesn’t seem to have noticed we always insist on driving. Will compare notes with siblings again on this.

Well her hearing isn’t what it used to be you know.

funnel it's good you were that loud, everyone knows you don't approve!

Checking in with an anecdote I’m sure will be a story with a familiar theme to many. Do I laugh or swear?

Visited mum to take her to the elderly care clinic where they focus on her dementia and Parkinson’s symptoms. On days where she has a medical appointment I go the night before which enables me to do her shopping at the local 24hr supermarket, get some sleep and then up at normal time working from her dining table most of the day excepting time out for the hospital. (I have a marvellous supportive boss).

Noticed a long graze on her arm, and she airily said she’d fallen, but the carer had helped her clean it and put on some antiseptic. She’s not had many falls recently so I made sure we mentioned it at the clinic. They were on the case straight away, she got the full interrogation. . Turns out she’d been standing on a flipping stool to look for something on top of the wardrobe - the woman who wobbles like a weeble just getting up from the bed to the toilet. aaargh. And was she wearing her fall alarm? Like hell she was. Double aaargh.

On a positive note, she actually had a conversation with the doctor rather than single word responses like last time. Who I’m sure I spotted biting her lips when mum confessed the circumstances of her fall and my voice got a bit loud with “you never told me that bit! Bloody hell mum!”. In fact I think the whole waiting room heard.

countrygirl let me guess - she's been assessed as having full capacity?

if there's lots of smiling and nodding, a church helper might be even more a good idea?

@EmmaEmerald my mother sees no need for help because she has no insight into her condition. For example mum thinks she manages her finances and has no need of any help. At the beginning of the year we discovered she hadn't paid her paper bill for over 2 months. Since then DB has been paying by bank transfer. Mum hasn't noticed she isn't being billed. DB pays the council invoice for the carers each month by bank transfer. Mum does realise she is paying. DB has sorted out all the insurance renewals for 2 years, Mum thinks she does it. Lots of smiling and nodding goes on