Cockroach cafe 🪳 Summer 2023 🪳

In terms of accurate reports, my mum likes me there because sometimes doctors are trying to get you out so fast, you can miss things.

but I'm at the point of just thinking, oh well, what's the worst than can happen?

I appreciate it's different as her main issues are frailty and heart, which isn't really anything where we can take further action. Even she is starting to question the point of the appointments but if your mum has actual physical things that need doing, it's different.

paid carer to take her there?

I really understand where you're coming from. Emma. It's very hard work, especially when we've got our own issues to deal with. It's not something I've taken on willingly. I sometimes think that not only has DM got her own life, but she's also got a big chunk of mine and my sister's too and that seems so unfair. It's not as if DM has dementia - she's just very needy & waify, always has been.

Providing she's wearing her hearing aids she could manage appointments on her own, its getting there & back that's difficult. I'm not sure I'd rely on her to accurately report back what was said/done. She has a tendency to dismiss what she doesn't agree with. We saw GP yesterday who gave her advice about her swollen legs and she came out the surgery & told me he was too busy being in love with himself and didn't know what he was talking about. I mean, what can I say?

Miss "As my DSis says though, it's us two who then put up with the complaints of feeling unwell because her blood glucose is high, crying about her legs swelling up, changing dressings on leg blisters, it will be me struggling back & forth to hospital appointments with DM. "

Can she manage hospital appointments alone? I have now told mum that I can't accompany her and she'll have to get a carer to do it - I don't normally mind as she's no trouble but I'm too unwell atm.

I'm really starting to feel I've wasted five years on mum.

@EmmaEmerald , thank you for sharing your experience.

I find it quite difficult really - I believe DM does know what she's doing and I could just say "the consequences have been spelt out to you, you know what you need to do, its up to you to look after your health". She's 89 and I suppose if she wants slow suicide by sugar it's on her head (I sound like a right bitch) As my DSis says though, it's us two who then put up with the complaints of feeling unwell because her blood glucose is high, crying about her legs swelling up, changing dressings on leg blisters, it will be me struggling back & forth to hospital appointments with DM.

I find my DM infuriating but I care about her very much and I don't want to see her ill or suffering. In a recent session with psychologist we were exploring how I've got the role as "rescuer" to DM and I think this role is intruding here. I'm trying hard to escape it but it's been ingrained in me for 50 years.

I have had some weird chats with mum's GP so I know sometimes things get said with good intentions, but I'd be angry at the suggestion that it's your DSis job to keep everything out of reach.

Your mum has capacity and if she lived alone and didn't cause havoc for others, I'd say let her eat what she wants.

A retest will be interesting but is it possible the GP is trying to put the frighteners on her to stop eating sugar? Also, my mum was told her kidney function was problematic about ten years ago. She's eaten well her whole life. Looking at it more closely, we found two things - firstly, that they changed the numbers that cause an alert so to speak, and secondly, it's possible the reading is affected by many things on the day.

She's not had any trouble with her kidneys in ten years anyway.

Brutally speaking, if your mum went into a care home, would you be worried about how they'd choose to handle it? If she has full capacity then I imagine they won't restrict her diet either.

Re the bullying, I sympathise, and it's so easy to be accused of bullying. But I don't think it's bullying to say "you need to go in a home, we can't cope with you". It's the truth.

re dialysis, it's quite hard work, my cousin had it for years. For an 89 year old - I'm imagining frailty is a factor - it could cause other strains on the body?

what does she think about it?

Dm is 89 in October.

The conclusion of the talk with GP was that DM has got to stop eating sugary foods and drink more. Whether DM will take any notice is another matter. GP said DSis has got to put chocolates & biscuits out of DMs reach (tbh I'd have done this a year or so ago if it was my house cos this isn't entirely unexpected) and stop giving puddings so often. DM cries and loses her temper like a toddler if she doesn't get her own way and it feels very much like bullying to deny her stuff. I told GP this and she said maybe we should be considering a care home for her - although I'm not sure there would be better dietary care there. DM was in hospital at the start of the year and she was given free choice of food - to the point where she was asking for, and being given, two packets of biscuits when tea was taken round, two puddings with meals. She is deemed to have capacity to make her own decisions, even if they're detrimental.

GP will test kidney function again in a few weeks to check if things have improved.

MissMarplesNiece
Okay I have many questions (due to kidney problems in my family). But firstly, can you remind me your mum's age? And what are the consequences if she doesn't have it?

I've just had a very depressing conversation with DM's GP who said that her kidney function is so poor she's on the verge of being referred for dialysis. All down, apparently to the combined effects of uncontrolled diabetes and not drinking enough. GP also discussed taking her off the diuretic DM currently takes but warned of the consequences of swollen legs, blisters & ulcers.

I feel at my wits end. She has capacity. She crys, sulks and loses her temper if she's not given pudding after every meal or bread & jam for her supper. She helps herself to the chocolate bars and biscuits DSis buys for other members of the family. No one wants to bully her, but what do we do?

@MissMarplesNiece I read about these things called water drops which I was looking at because MiL similar with kidney problems and a few UTIs but doesn’t drink enough fluids. I found them but they are really expensive. tea, herbal tea, low fat milk. We tried the lot and for a while MiL drank green tea. Lots of lettuce and other salads with high water content might help too. Also suspect it was related to not being able to use the loo in hospital, result was a drip and a catheter along with nearly every other lady in her ward🙁

Talking of tweeking diuretics - I'm expecting a call this afternoon from DM's GP about her kidney function. She already takes the lowest dose of diuretic but has a bit of water retention in her legs. GP can't increase diuretics because of her poor kidney function - due partly, I'm sure, because she just refuses to drink enough because she can't get to the toilet on time when she needs to wee.

I don't know what we can do to get her to drink more. Dr's have explained to her several times how drinking more actually encourages your bladder to stretch whereas not drinking enough means urine is very concentrated and irritates bladder making you wee more. But, as in all things, DM knows best and doesn't take their advice - same as not putting her feet up or doing toe & heel tapping exercise.

I suppose I could say "be it on your own head", but it doesn't work like that and I'll be sitting here worrying about it for hours.

I must say that MIL's surgery was very good, and she had several home visits from her GP and other staff while she was still ill at home, even though it wasn't her ability to get to the practice that was in question. I know she still had some appointments in the surgery, because I took her to some of them myself when it wasn't safe for FIL to be in a car with her.
She's in a poor way now, on soft foods only because her ability to swallow is deteriorating, and in pain from various falls etc. She still has some speech, even if she doesn't make a lot of sense outside her range of stock phrases. We've reduced our own visiting frequency to two or three times a week. It's very rare that she's actually pleased to see us. Sometimes she's distressed that her son is in this awful place*, and he needs to get out and save himself, but mostly he's a useless sod who can bugger straight off and stop wasting her time. Her daughter gets the same treatment.

*The staff are lovely, and her room is beautiful, with an en suite and glorious views. She always loved the view from the back of her own house towards fields and woods. Sadly the panorama of fields and gentle rolling hills does nothing for her now.

Not sure about cheaper for the NHS as hospital transport is provided each way as she's confined to a wheelchair. The GP has been out about 4 times in the last 3weeks and goodness knows how many times over the years. It's been an ongoing issue since she had her stroke over 8 1/2 years ago and always ends up with them tweaking diuretics. There must be loads of elderly patients with similar issues as my dad was the same for his last couple of years.

I have a relative who's a prescribing nurse. She spends mornings in the GP surgery seeing patients but then in the afternoon goes out in the community to visit housebound patients. That sounds like quite a good model to follow. I wish DM lived in that surgery's catchment area.

Cheaper and more efficient for them (the surgery that is, not the elderly person!) as they can fit many more appointments in per day at the surgery or hospital than they could if having to drive to several places - especially if those places are miles apart. I get the same with my GP - they send me to an in person appointment the far side of the city as that's where they have GP availability that day and that's what's most cost effective for them, even though from my POV it's more time off work and needs a taxi rather than a short walk.

Whereas the vet charges you for the scan so ensures cost of equipment and staff time is covered to travel to the horse.

My DM's surgery doesn't even do home visits. We can book mobile everything else - eyetest, chiropodist, hairdresser, but there's no one who can come from the GP surgery even to do a blood test. This week DM went to surgery for routine appointment with diabetic nurse who then said she thought DM needed to see a GP & booked an appointment for following day.

I just wish they'd appreciate the difficulty of getting a very immobile person into a car & out again at the other end, coupled with a tiny carpark which means I have to park 100 yards down the road and push DM uphill to the surgery.

Even more annoying was GP saying nothing wrong with DM's leg so it was a waste of time for all of us.

I would imagine it's because if they found a clot, they'd want her to be set up for various clot busting meds via IV.

though I can see that if you find it, pre-warning the hospital the ambulance crew are en route with a patient in need of that, would make more sense.

It is ridiculous. What happens when people have no money and no family to accompany them? But it just seems ridiculous that she had to go to hospital at all when portable scanners are really good now. Even if they had to send the images for review. I told DH that next time he should suggest they get a horse vet out instead. Even 15 years ago my son's pony was scanned at the yard.

@countrygirl99 we all know the NHS needs a constant shake up and review. It feels to me that the realisation that so many patients are elderly, with dementia, maybe in care homes or with carers should be reviewed with more training and better systems. Especially around things like consent. 50 years ago many elderly with multiple health issues wouldn’t have left hospital but instead be in a nursing unit. I know we had far from unusual issue of being told MiL had capacity when it was clear she didn’t. Sending her home cost social services and NHS because of more 999 calls, GP house calls, district nurse, OT and physio and dementia services nurse calls to me. All before she was put into the respite nursing care she should have had at the start. I don’t know how much these things will have cost but she got worse faster than expected and I like many of you, was on the verge of asking for help from the GP because of the stress, frustration and worry. I agree she should not be paying for her transport and care to a necessary appointment, she doesn’t choose to need a hospital visit - if she was in hospital rehab the transport of free.

MIL got carted off to hospital for a scan on a swollen leg. She gets it a lot and it's never a clot. It was a same day thing so too late to arrange for a family member to go with her so a member of staff had to accompany her at a cost. I pointed out that if she was a horse the vet would have brought a portable scanner and seeing as the GP has already been out 3 or 4 times for the same thing I wondered why they don't do that for people.

JuneDay the irony is, I now wonder if it's better for me if it doesn't go through. I'm not in a fit state to make a decision yet. I'm just keeping quiet. To some extent, the cards will fall where they may.

I could pull out tomorrow if I wanted of course but I don't know what's best atm. More information should come to light soon that will help me decide.

not being cryptic, just a very complicated situation.

@EmmaEmerald good luck. Maybe it will go through, time for you to have some good luck. Airbags are not designed for pregnant women either - basically designed for standard sized man! DH and I will downsize in next few years and my request is near great transport. We have it now and I can’t imagine living in the sort of village my parents do - I grew up there and it is lovely but not without a car🙁.

My mil was the same , no diagnosed dementia but drove into a car in a shops car park as she thought she was braking but accelerated into the opposite parked car. Another time she ended up driving up the A14 about 50 miles past her turn off and just kept going because she didn't know what to do or where she should get off.

How I feel for you all (I mean that, I'm not in any way being sarcastic).

Something had been going wrong with my mum's "eye -to-brain signal" for a while; we had quite a row when we'd walked along a headland to a local beauty spot then she was adamant that this wasn't the beauty spot because there was a white fence "over there" - no, those are sand dunes and we ARE at the right spot! I was pretty worried about her driving - it's ok for folk to say that they don't go very far, only to the local shops etc, but that still means encountering pedestrians, junctions etc.

Then she developed wet macular degeneration but was adamant that she was still OK to drive as the hospital hadn't told her otherwise. Then she broke her wrist, and that was the best thing as she had to lay her car up whilst recuperating from that. Roll forward several months of not driving because of her wrist and she had decided herself that she didn't feel up to driving any more. She sold the car to the local garage and I heaved a mighty sigh of relief.

She complains about how much more difficult life is without a car, but in fact she lives within walking distance of good local shops, the vets, the GP, the optician, and for longer trips there's a bus stop actually outside her house (although she likes to walk back from her hospital trips - 2.5 miles, or longer if she takes the scenic route!

Similar happened with one of mum's neighbours, she was furious. I think the report was for driving too slowly.

June actually, airbag injury is something all us smaller folk should be aware of, I never had a car with an airbag but I think the advice for me was to have a child size one.

i've had an update with my doctor, there will be medicine changes which is going to be tough but hopefully worth it. It also means I can effectively report another six weeks off to mum.

then I will look at moving back to my old home, depending on whether the sale goes through, but it doesn't look like it will.

what a mess. I don't think my brain has been working the last five years. If any lurkers are thinking to care for parents, I'm a cautionary tale. I never imagined mum would resist outside help after broken bones, strokes etc. tbh I thought a second stroke would automatically mean "care home".