Cockroach cafe 🪳 Summer 2023 🪳

Sending many more hugs to all who need them 💕 💐
@venusandmars a handhold as you go through this xx

I get it
I am huggy normally but I can see that even if you're not, now is a time they might be needed. Sending lots more x

@venusandmars this is absolutely the right place to post. So many vets of this journey.Sending you hugs too. As you say, a very difficult but important process- your poor fil. 🌺🌺

EmmaEmerald I'm not usually a huggy person, but over the last couple of days I've been hugged by so many care home staff, and I'm happily accepting hugs from others who understand.

MIL lingers on. Peacefully. She was completely unresponsive this morning even when being changed into clean pjs, having oral care done etc, but rallied enough to speaks to my SILs when they completed their emergency return from their holiday (poor them - they'd had a crap holiday all round!).

Terribly sad and poignant time with FIL who has dementia. He wanted to see his wife, and came to sit by her bed. Yesterday evening he accepted that she was tired and sleeping, said his goodnights and went to bed. Today, he recognised the reality and said: "she's not going to make it, is she?" He was weeping, dh was sobbing, I was crying. But it felt like a very real and important process, and one that arose as naturally as it could.

I hope my posts don't upset others here, let me know and I can find somewhere else to post.

After the inevitability of MIL's death, we will have the ongoing challenge of her grieving, bewildered husband. At times today he thought it was his son who was dying (fortunately he told him he was a good boy), then he confused his son with his brother (who died many years ago), and then his own mother. It is like everyone he loves and has ever loved is in one particular block in his brain, and sometimes he jumbles them all together and speaks interchangeably about them all.

I hope the end is peaceful, @venusandmars

All endings are hard @venusandmars, even the ones that are to be expected. Hopefully DH and his siblings can see this through without falling out.

venusandmars. I really hope it’s a peaceful end. Hugs if wanted.

So sorry @venusandmars , its such a difficult time for you and your family.

@venusandmars oh that’s so moving. May she pass peacefully and all who need to get there arrive in time. 🌺

FIL (in the same care home) has dementia. We spent some nice time with him this evening. He understand his wife is unwell, but not the full extent.

dh took him in to say 'goodnight' before he went to bed. Of course that might be goodbye, rather than goodnight. Who knows

MIL roused herself from hours of unconsiousness and managed to say that she loved him - that made us cry.

Thanks everyone. I've been here before with my own parents (plus I work in a related area) but dh, and his siblings in particular, are unaccustomed to death and dying, or anything medical. So I (along with the care home staff) am the voice of 'this is normal, this is OK'. The siblings will be hoping for a miraculous recovery.

Very best wishes @venusandmars

@venusandmars thinking of you and family.

Fingers crossed for a peaceful end for your MIL @venusandmars

Oh @venusandmars that's so tough. I want to say I hope it isn't too prolonged. It sounds mean but it's such a strain for your DH and SILs. I hope everyone who needs to gets to be there and say what they need to say/do.

Day not going as planned. I went for a 'brief' visit to MIL & FIL in their care home, and to take each of them a copy of my dgc's 'first day back at school' photos - annotated with their names, ages and primary class number - it all helps the care staff to engage them in conversation. MIL (93) has had a rapid deterioration since breakfast time and all NOK were out of contact. I had to do a rapid scramble to get dh and SILs on phone/whapapp/text so they could make a quick decision about whether there was any point in sending her to hospital (there isn't). She has no infection, she is just dying

I've returned home now to get things for dh - his phone charger, his book, a toothbrush. He will be there until SILs can arrive tomorrow.

No idea how long this final phase of her life will take. Thay are 'keeping her comfortable' but MIL is no longer able to eat or drink, and to be honest her will to live disappeared some time ago.

End of life. Tough. However it arrives.

@MereDintofPandiculation we had similar too, then texts to me reminding me … all the time MiL was in another hospital who promised they would get her to the appointment - they forgot! Even after my daughter visited her nanny and reminded the staff who said yes the knew. Then you get a letter threatening to discontinue the treatment and send you back to the GP🤔🤣. I rang them and said do that if you like, but she can’t get to her GP either….. before her fall I took her to all appointments, queued in hospital car park, paid fees to park, once no spaces left so I drove in and out and round the houses for the whole length of appointment / that was before Dementia and dizzy spells set in. @IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere care home asked DH if he wanted to accompany to follow up with orthopaedics but he couldn’t either, second follow up yesteday and apparently she enjoyed the fuss - she flirts with every man she meets and doesn’t believe any women are doctors! Which has been interesting. 😮

MIL is reliant on hospital transport anyway as she is confined to a wheelchair and can't travel in an unadapted car. But because of her communication issues she also needs a person to go with her. Care home charge £20 an hour so this trip cost £90.

When my mum had an appointment for her cataract procedure the home offered to arrange transport for me to go with her but it would have meant being at the home by 7.30 a.m. which I couldn't do. As it happened mum didn't want the procedure so the home cancelled it.

@MereDintofPandiculation I had sort of similar to your DH - a letter from hospital informing me of telephone appointment on Friday, next day email telling me face to face appointment on Friday had been changed to telephone appointment on Thursday, email followed up with letter in post, few days later letter telling me phone appointment on Thursday had been changed to face to face appointment on Friday.

I kept my phone with me on the Thursday just incase there was a letter I hadn't received yet telling me f2f on Friday was changed to phone on Thursday 🙄.

Can anyone help this poster re care and charge on a home etc? Just thought I'd flag it as there's so much knowledge about.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/elderly_parents/4867445-elderly-dad-in-rehab?page=2&reply=128527221

@MissMarplesNiece I actually find that comment about too busy being in love with himself astute and funny, sadly she is likely right - I can see my nephew (medical student) being like that. Before MiL went downhill and was diagnosed with dementia she was sent on a pre diabetic course - once a week to a clinic for a lecture, a diary to keep, and diet to follow. She said other people there ate loads more chocolate than her 😁. As soon as it finished she reverted to her old diet - in Covid we did her shopping and DH said he was buying her what she wanted if it made her happy - her list was cake, white bread, choc biscuits, lemonade, ice cream, tinned spaghetti, tins of soup, cheese ….. and a bag of greens.

I had read the folder she was given her and tried to get her to try wholemeal bread, more fruit and less processed food but she didn’t eat it. We can try but also have to respect their wishes. It is frustrating but not as shocking as an NHS heart surgeon with a heart condition still smoking, or GP with a drink problem reminding patients about 14 units.

You are doing your best, don’t feel bad you can’t be responsible.