Cockroach cafe 🪳 Summer 2023 🪳

@venusandmars , I'm sorry for your loss, but at the same time glad for you and your MIL that this is over. I hope the funeral planning goes well: I'm dreading that stage, and only wish MIL had put something in place to cut out arguments about 'what she would have wanted '. Still. A different style of tension to look forward to.

@venusandmars that’s a good thing to occupy you and hope you find some lovely music and black humour gets us through.

We had a very tough funeral last year with suitably quirky music that was both sad and funny. Started with Queen Who Wants to Live Forever and ended with Simple Minds don’t you forget about me. Needless to say a humanist funeral for a 50 something which was both incredibly sad and full of laughs. Brings tears and smiles whenever I think of our friend and his family. Can’t ask for more.

@venusandmars so sorry for your loss but glad that you are able to reminisce together.

After increasing experience of funerals I am less and less keen on ones that have been planned by the deceased - have what helps you/FIL.

Thanks @Knotaknitter I am more accustomed to these things than dh's siblings, so once we see how things are turning out I will try and get the message across - actually I think dh's head is in the right place on this, so he can possibly do much of it - by example when they visit together.

A friend had the opposite facet - she was getting married and her Mum did not remember from one moment to the next. Every time she heard the news she was delighted!!!! My friend said she never knew you could become wearied with someone's happiness.

@venusandmars I'm glad it was peaceful and those who needed to be where there.
IME FIL could go either way. A friend's mum didn't remember her husband had died but was perfectly happy to be told he was visiting his brother for a few days. My mum, on the other hand, constantly feels dad's death as if it was very recent. She thinks she sorted out dad's clothes "the other week" when it was 18 months ago. Hopefully your FIL will be more like my friend's mum.

venusandmars I understand your relief.

is there a snuggle couch in the cafe? And we could do with some cats maybe!

@venusandmars I'm glad for your husband's sake that the final goodbye was a speedy one. The waiting is crippling.

FIL may not feel the loss providing that people don't remind him. She's still going to be there in that place in his head where he has all the people he loves held all together. If there's someone in the family that thinks the right thing to do is to tell him, again and again then they need the briefing before they make his remaining days worse than they need to be.

@venusandmars I'm glad it was peaceful after the last few months of turmoil.

@Juneday actually yesterday evening dh and I spent some time starting to think about music for her funeral (she has done none of this planning herself) and it was a really nice time to reminisce about her playing the piano, or songs that were played on the family record player. And there were some very funny moments of black humour!

Thanks Emma Emerald. Mostly I'm feeling relief. The last few years have been difficult for MIL - very painful arthritis, immobility that left her mostly housebound, hearing loss that compounded her feeling of loneliness. She has not been happy for a long time.

I am friends with a lady of a similar age (one of my former school teachers) with similar health challenges, but my friend somehow manages to find joy in every bird that sings in her garden, delight when her carer can hang the washing outside so it smells of fresh air, and has cultivated a lovely group of friends on facebook. MIL, though lovely, was not of that demeanour. She found every part of life 'hellish' - food, music, the loss of independence, her dh's dementia... I think she has not enjoyed living for a while and this is a relief for her.

I also feel relief for her children - that they could be with her, and particularly for her dd who did not witness her in any real distress. I have seen the toll that this whole process with MIL and FIL has taken on them all over the past year. I am glad for them that MIL's death was not protracted, or violent, or sudden, or in hospital.

The next stage (once the inevitable funeral and end of life admin is over) will be supporting FIL. I worry about the impact this might have on his fragile state and what a further downturn might mean. However, I think it will be easier for the family dealing with one set of issues rather than both parents.

And on a very cynical note (since FIL, also 93, is in great physical shape), there is more money to continue paying for his care and less risk that funds will run out.

@venusandmars glad to hear it was peaceful and with family and hope soon you can remember the good times and smile. 93 is indeed a good life.

@venusandmars i am sorry for your loss, but so glad the passing was peaceful. Sending strength for the tough days ahead.
@EmmaEmerald stay firm. Look after yourself.

venusandmars I am glad it was a peaceful ending.

how are you feeling?

thank you for your kind words.

MIL passed late this afternoon, very peacefully, with family. After an unhappy few months it was a good end to 93 years of life.

Emma Emerald I think you are right not to know - you will possibly only worry, and end up more involved than you want to. You've done the 2 tasks you felt you could manage. That is plenty, and notice how exhausted it made you feel. Listen to your body, it is telling you what you need to year.

That's the plan
I got a food delivery in and dealt with post

my sister is bringing her back from the care home tomorrow

it feels weird not even knowing what the care plan is but I think it's important not to know!

@EmmaEmerald I hope you're not doing too much.
If I were you I'd leave my mother to it.

Mum back from the care home tomorrow
Went in to house to sort a few things

Can't believe the time, energy, resources all this takes

Nearly burst into tears but didn't. Left a note saying not to disturb me without a very good reason.

I would advise that if she is a good gardener and your parents like her and trust her, and this is is extra to her normal working hours, she must invoice and your parents pay into her bank. That way there are records to protect both.

We have on going issue with my mother who hero worships her cleaner, who whilst reliable appears to be slow and expensive and asks for cash. We have told her not to pay cash especially if this is undeclared income for tax purposes (which my mother refuses to discuss and says she doesn’t care if it is) but it also means parents have to make a special car trip to a cash point a few miles away and that should there be an issue there is no proof of payment.

My mother told my sister who set up and ran her own business growing to employ 50 others, that she had never worked as hard as this cleaner. I felt awful for my sister who worked so hard and took risks that would have been stressful.

Also have to say the dust in my parents bedroom is very thick - so not sure the cleaner is so amazing 🤣

@IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere thank you x I've got a feeling from my own previous working role rostering carers that they are contracted to the local authority/agency used by the local authority and shouldn't be doing anything 'cash in hand' outside of this role. The carer has apparently said that she would do the garden at a time when she isn't working and a vague 'whatever price' my dad wishes to pay. Parents do have full capacity, but wouldn't want carer to be accused of exploiting vulnerable adults. Main concern is what experience do they have, have they got the right insurance (my parents garden is a mess and we've seen some rather large rats!!) The carers definitely aren't my parents friends and I'm concerned about boundaries becoming blurred.

@Lightuptheroom we found ourselves in a very difficult position with one of mum's carers. She was really lovely, an older lady (in her 60's) who was really friendly. She and I both loved crafts and we would compare projects and swapped bits and pieces. We became friends. This will be quite long but it sets the scene:

When my daughter was getting married she offered to help with prep we were doing everything in a short time frame because of the pandemic. She pressed the bridesmaids dresses and sewed the headdress and veil, little things that all took time. She offered to take mum to the wedding in her car and sort out the wheelchair etc - as a friend, not as a carer.

She came to us on the morning of the wedding and helped to get the girls ready, dressed mum, and put her in her car. It wasn't work hours. She wasn't in uniform. She was dressed for a wedding. We had the service and she was with us for the photos and my daughter wanted a picture with her and my mum. (I know this is a lot of waffle but I want to explain how non-work the arrangement was)!

Because of restrictions there was no chance of an indoor reception. The newly weds and their siblings and partners all went to the beach and we went home. The lady dropped mum home and went to her own home to get ready for work.

A week later she arrived for her slot with mum in tears because she had been reported by someone who had seen her while the photos were being taken and alleged that she was working cash in hand while contracted to the care company! Fortunately she had the wedding invitation in the car and was able to show the photo of her with the bride. It really upset mum because she felt it was her fault for getting her friend into trouble. There was nothing untoward about what she did but her bosses were not happy.

@venusandmars we have been on this journey very recently with my Mil who died at the end of July. One thing I would say is that you become slightly used to the 'rallying' stage, Mil did this for 9 weeks but I've known others be longer. Take care of yourselves, the home will know how to help your fil and he will likely forget the circumstances and become tearful each time he 'remembers'

On a totally different matter. Does anyone know what sort of contract carers provided by the local authority have? We've had a situation where a carer seems to have offered to do some private gardening for my parents (they have local authority carers 2 X day. We'd like to know whether this is actually allowed as the carer obviously only knows my parents through their caring role. Do I contact the social worker to clarify this? My mum has undiagnosed cognitive decline and massive behavioural changes. We're also concerned as she's already sacked 2 gardeners for supposedly 'destroying' her garden.

Thinking of you and your poor FIL @venusandmars

@venusandmars your post made me well up. Such a beautiful and poignant description of dementia.