Cockroach cafe 🪳 Summer 2023 🪳

Wishing both your MiL and your DH their respective peace. And to you and your family too.

@countrygirl99 I hope with all my heart that her suffering will be over soon.

DH has had the "come now" call from the care home. Please let her suffering be over soon.

@Nodancingshoes I wonder if the message relayed by the carer perhaps contains more of her own opinions than your nan's? People are very sometimes judgmental without fully understanding the facts, as we bad daughters know too well!

@Nodancingshoes all my mum wanted was for me to be in the same room as her 24/7. As well as being on call all day and night I spent hours with her every day. I would go to her late morning, watch tv and give her lunch. Then late afternoon I would spend another hour with her and once dinner was cooked I would leave DH to eat on his own and I would be with her again for another three hours or so. This was in addition to answering ten calls a day to take her to the toilet/pick up her hanky/pour her a drink/change the channel on the tv. And then one evening when my son phoned while I was with her. Not wanting her to feel excluded I had the call on speaker so all three of us could chat. But she sat with her head in her hands crying about how lonely she felt. You are never going to meet your grandmother's wants, only her needs, and I am sure the carers were not intending for you or your sister to feel that way. You are doing so much already. Don't let guilt get you down.

@countrygirl99 I am so sorry to hear this. It must be so hard to see her in such pain when all anyone wants for her is peace and dignity. It's a sad state of affairs when animals are treated more humanly than people. Sending love x

Thanks all. She doesn't have dementia - she is as sharp as they come. I work full time and have 2 teens who still need me (more than ever sometimes!) My Dsis runs her own business and has 4 kids. Between us we are seeing her most days. I am also perimenopausal and its a struggle to get through the working week! I've tried not to let her comments get to me but obviously they have!

@Nodancingshoes she may have said it but ten minutes later, also said the complete reverse. Sadly, dementia turns the kindest souls into truly opinionated characters and masters of direct commentary.
@countrygirl99 so tough for all

@Nodancingshoes I do wonder if she actually said that, and even so, I hope when i am older that people don't report my passing comments to each other.

MIL is still with us nearly 6 weeks after the first "best come and visit in the next couple of days" conversation with family. She's either asleep or crying in pain. On so many drugs to releive symptoms that will never go away. Massively swollen legs and pleural oedema despite being on max diuretics dose. Distressed by resulting laboured breathing. Injections to stop her vomiting up her oramorph so i has the chance to have some effect, she's needle phobic and got distressed by IV antibiotics so they are holding off on a morphine driver etc etc. So she gets distressed by the jabs but that's just a frew minutes distress not constant fretting. Horribly reluctant to increase the oral morphine dose - if I ever get to that stage I want all the morphine, send me into oblivion please.

@sandwich very good observation, self preservation and self focussed @Nodancingshoes it isn’t reasonable or fair for her to have such expectations, not sure caters thought about how it would make you feel being told, it was unhelpful. Mentally I feel the dementia brain can be like a toddler with a chunk of teenager. Both of which are hard enough as a parent, which of course you aren’t. quality time for you both🤞 is more important.

@Nodancingshoes Im sorry- yes the carer perhaps shouldn’t have told you- but at least you know what she’s thinking. Dm became increasingly self focussed- in preservation mode, as she became more dependent on care, and more selfish. Very common I think. Please try not to be upset- and try and have as pleasant time as possible with her. And look after yourself.

So, news from one of nans carers...apparently nan doesn't understand why one of us (me or Dsis) can't be with her all the time so she isn't by herself. She thinks we should take it I'm turns to sit in ger flat each day all day. I refuse to be goaded by this. In fact I'm wondering if the carer shouldn't have told us - it seems abit like shit stirring. It also isn't ever going to happen. I do feel upset about how my feelings towards my beloved nan have changed. I would never have predicted it.

@funnelfan Agree with pp on the wheels! We have a lightweight portable / foldable one for parents, that can be easily out in back of a small Audi booth.

ours has bigger wheels at back that I think are inflated (I can’t remember but look a bit like jogging push chair wheels) and makes the ride comfier. Also a padded seat and back, and one side the arm rest that can be moved up and down which makes getting in and out much easier.

Agree with @Mum5net re wheels. Small wheels can be v bumpy especially on uneven ground. But lighter .

Bigger wheels = smoother, Small wheel= easier for car. … I preferred the bigger wheels for going over kerbs

thank you @Mum5net , that’s the kind of experience I need to hear and consider, my family having been fortunate enough not to need to think about this kind of thing before.

@funnelfan weigh up how much use it's going to get and whether you are collapsing it multiple times. I've purchased two. Bigger wheels = smoother, Small wheel= easier for car. This was the one we had laterally but getting spare parts was a problem because I bought it at Costco during lockdown. Had I bought it at a disability shop, I daresay they could have tracked down spares. I preferred the bigger wheels for going over kerbs, although my DSis managed to tip my DM out of any and every wheelchair... but that's a completely different thread...

@funnelfan that looks like the model MiL has at the nursing home, movable footrests and lightweight but seems robust. Haven’t tried to fold it myself. Assume you have disabled badge for DM you can use, you get a wider space👍.

It might be good if you could take her to a showroom to try some

Id need a chair to get her there! . I’m thinking of something like the attached, which looks like an even lighter version of the one @BestIsWest linked to. She’s eight stone soaking wet so weight not an issue. It’s going to be used so infrequently that long term comfort isn’t going to be a big consideration. She spends most of her day in bed and can totter to the toilet and back. However going from the blue badge spaces at her GP surgery to the reception alone is getting to be a marathon for her, and her eyesight and balance are being very poor. So it’s mostly for wrangling her to and from appointments.

Hello, @funnelfan we first got a charity shop wheelchair for dm in an emergency- very heavy, and I found it hurt my back lugging it into the car. It was self propelling so big heavy wheels.
we then got a light weight one- back folds down, feet come off etc. Do you have an ableworld place or similar who sell aids who can advise? Height / weight etc matters too. Red Cross hire and sell some equipment- they may be able to advise.
it really helped. It might be good if you could take her to a showroom to try some- and you can practice folding/ lifting. Feels like folding pushchairs etc!

I had the same issue with Mums mobility and after a few occasions of being unable to park close, I have this one, which was a pricier but bear in mind you may be able to claim the VAT back.
It’s really lightweight but sturdy. It fits in the boot of my Skoda Fabia. The footrests are detachable - I remove them if putting the car in the boot. I find it easier to put it on the back seat if I’m going somewhere with wide enough parking spaces.

The one thing I don’t like is that the handles are a bit low for me but I am 5’10. I keep meaning to see if they can be adjusted.

https://www.argos.co.uk/product/8650775?clickSR=slp:term:wheelchair:3:13:1

Has anyone any experience they can share of buying a lightweight wheelchair? I’ve realised that one of my dreads of taking mum to her appointments is her poor mobility. A chair for infrequent use such as taking her from the car park to the correct hospital department would be very handy. I can see online that foldable chairs are about £130-150 - is there anything I should look out for? I have a small car so something that will fold down and get in the boot is a must.

@Chumpfriend financial elder abuse is a criminal offense. Local optician talked my 90 year old mum into a pair of 739.00 reading glasses, she had no idea how much they were till she was home and my dad looked at the card receipt. I complained, they were very rude, I phoned age concern who said to call police & trading standards as it is a criminal offense which they take seriously, I called optician again to say I had reported them, the money was returned that day.

Lots of companies fleecing older customers. BT called my FIL and upgraded his broadband to Halo the day before his wife of 64 years’ funeral. He’s paying £60 pcm to place a Tesco order each week.
I’ve called, raised complaints and spoken to at least five different people and getting nowhere.
It’s absolutely and completely immoral.