Cockroach cafe 🪳 Summer 2023 🪳

@TheShellBeach what would I say? My mum says that this woman is her friend, but can't tell us her name. My mum is not listed as being vulnerable as she avoids GP appointments. I don't know who this person is or where she lives, or even what sort of conversations they've actually had. Unsure how 101 can help?

Talk to the local police about this on 101, I think.

What do you do when an elderly parent with obvious cognitive decline but no diagnosis decides to trust some random person they've met at their local shops and rings you to tell you that this person has offered to be a contact and help them 'in an emergency '

My mum can't remember this person's name, keeps saying it's wonderful because she 'knows her' and has apparently offered to help whenever it's needed.

We have no idea who she's talking about and are very concerned. I still have friends where my parents live and they think it may be someone who is known to befriend elderly people for their own gain .

Mum managed to get a new cheque book despite the POA when DB took hers away because he'd had to phone and stop 6 missing cheques. We suspect that they were from when she lost her debit and credit cards and I took her cash so she could go on her regular minibus to the supermarket. DB transferred the money to me and she couldn't understand she didn't need to write anyone a cheque. We thought they were probably from her calling me to ask who she needed tp pay a cheque to and as she'd partially written it thrown it away but she had no memory of what she'd done. That was also when she got in a mess with her paper bill and hadn't paid for so long they were going to stop delivering so she could have written them out to the newsagent but forgotten to take them round. But she still thinks she is perfectly capable of managing her finances herself and gets quite put out.

@venusandmars that is so hard, I feel for him and the family. Sadly this may happen from time to time and it is not easy to deal with. @countrygirl99 i assume your DB has total PoA and DM can’t make any changes anyway so any contact she attempts to make will hopefully be dealt with sensitively by the bank. With MiL we say don’t worry we have done that and kept 🤞. It got to the point where she would ring and just got stuck in a queue and thought the recorded voice was a real person who couldn’t hear her…or was being rude to her. If she got through and couldn’t remember her passwords. I found 4 letters at least with new details for each time she forgot. It must be tough for them though, my MiL used manage the office for a building company, she was efficient and organised at home too, everything filed and labelled and a little ledger of spending, every receipt going back 20 years…. So letting go and asking for help was hard. I don’t think my DD will ever admit to needing help with finances, but he forgot his pin enough times for his card to stop working just recently. 🙁

@venusandmars warn your DH this might happen again (and again). We had tths with mum. She even phoned me to tell me dad had died 15 minutes after I had spent several hours with her helping her choose music for the funeral. It only stopped after the funeral. Every time she was convinced that the hospital had only just phoned.

Oh, poor Fil, his sense of duty in telling people must have been so strong. Sending hugs to you all

That’s painful @venusandmars. your poor DH.

We had a phone call from FIL this evening (he's 93, in a care home, has dementia, and last week his wife died). He was clearly distressed and confused this evening and got the care home to call dh. "Have you heard the bad news about your Mother?"

dh was great with him - reassuring him and reminding him that they were all there with MIL when it happened and that everything was OK. And letting FIL know that we are all planning the service to say 'goodbye' and that we would come and chat to him about his happy memories...

Apparently (according to the lovely care staff) this was all kicked off by him receiving a letter of condolence from a friend. Although FIL seems well aware of what happend, he had momentarily forgotten the circumstances of MIL's death and he thought he had to inform everyone in the family.

So tough.

I've spent the evening trying to persuade mum that she doesn't want to call the bank and cancel her direct debits for water & electric. She's convinced they should be half the £ they were when dad was alive if not less 🤷‍♀️. Totally ignoring standing charges and 20 months of price increases. She's convinced it would save her a fortune if she pays quarterly bills. She can't even manage her paper bill and now DB pays the newsagent by bank transfer monthly. Have let DB know as has POA. I think I convinced her but she's probably forgotten everything I said already.

MiL has a friend who used to ring her 4 times or more a week, they had a bit of a falling out but made up and cut the calls down. I managed to find her address and update her and now she sends a colourful card and a rather long and often depressing letter😮. We take them to MiL and offer to read the letters but she declines so I give her a précis, trying to find the good bits 🤣. I have one waiting to take on our next visit.

venusandmars "So today, despite suffering from a monumental hangover (consequence of his friends offering their commiserations in the form of strong beer and whisky - men, huh!),"

sounds like good common sense to me!

even as a child, I was glad not to have grandparents. I am so not a family person!

It's ironic that while so many of us are on here chatting about the guilt of caring for elderly family (and the reality of not being able to do everything for them), there are others who simply don't bother. I posted here originally because I worried that dh wasn't pulling his weight enough (he was in reality, but not as much as his siblings) - and I got some really great advice. He has stepped up and in the last few weeks he has been a rock for his parents and his siblings. So today, despite suffering from a monumental hangover (consequence of his friends offering their commiserations in the form of strong beer and whisky - men, huh!), he has gone again to visit his Dad.

And it is really important to remember that each of us can only do what we can do. And that it might change over time. We have different ways of recharging our own internal batteries, and we need to do that. Old age lasts a long time, and we need strategies and tactics that help us through a marathon, as well as a possible sprint finish.

My FIL still recognises his own dc, but he doesn't really know who I am - and not at all if I visit on my own without the clear context of being with his son. But he does recognise that I'm a familiar face which seems to bring him comfort. The last time I visited on my own, he said that he didn't know who I was, but we had the easy familiar banter that we always did, and when I was leaving he told me he had a photo of me in his room (he does, as part of various photo montages), so at the moment that level of recognition remains.

I feel hurt on my DM's behalf about her grandchildren not visiting her when she's been in hospital - when they were children she had them to stay every school holiday, and similar to @countrygirl99 's MIL would have done anything for them. I remember DM fretting over Christmas & birthday presents, sending them money and never getting even an acknowledgement let alone a thank you card. I guess it foretold things to come.

When I mentioned the none visiting to my sister she shouted at me and told me to get out of her house. I can't remember her exact words but I remember replying "but she's their grandmother, don't they feel anything towards her?".

While I'm in the mood to rant, I'm not sure they'd be any better with my sister. 2 of her now adult children live at home and I have never seen either of them do anything in the house while DSis is out full time at work. They don't even empty the dishwasher let alone run the hoover over or peel the potatoes for dinner. They are incredibly selfish.

My oldest DC is uncomfortable with visiting my mum. However he and his wife write to her regularly and send her massive Moonpig cards with photos so he stays in touch. The three who live furthest away will visit when they can and the one who lives locally visits once a month or so depending on transport/shifts. Mum has no concept of time - she is always surprised when we visit - so I don't worry too much about the kids visiting because she always thinks "they came yesterday" or in the case of my uncle who has not missed one visit to her "not seen him for years". Before she went into the home they were wonderful, visiting her for hours and she adored them - to the extent that she remembered them as her own children (didn't know who I was that week!) - and they still love her but for my oldest in particular the shadow of her that is left is just too painful.

I don’t have children and occasionally get sad thinking who will visit me when I’m old to make sure I’m ok. But then I read these experiences and realise that even if I did have children, there is no guarantee that they would have thought and done as I have done for my parents.

@Juneday one of DHs brothers hasn't visited MIL since a single visit just before FILs funeral over a year ago. His children have never visited since she went into the home June last year. She would have done anything for those grandchildren and frequently took them away for weekends and other treats. They live less than 10 minutes from the care home. All the other siblings and grandchildren visit regularly despite being further away, even the one who doesn't live in the UK sees her at least once every time he comes over for even the shortest visit.

@IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere and all others, it is great that you are visiting regardless. MiL looked after her two eldest grandchildren every summer for weeks, took them on outings, in taxis and other treats despite not being a wealthy women. It meant their parents didn’t have to take all their holidays in school holidays. Despite this one of those 40 year old grandchildren hasn’t visited her once, not in hospital or at home or at care home. (Actually not seen her for 6 years or more). The other did visit in hospital but not since, 4 months. They could both do the journey in under 2 hours. Their father, eldest son, visits once every two months. If I hadn’t had an outburst of sobbing on a train 9 months ago to DH, no one would have seen MiL until her fall and time in hospital. It forces DH to tell his family to visit, I needed them to see how frail she was and what I knew to be signs of dementia. She is the only living grandparent for 4 of the grown up grandchildren.

My only grandparent, my lovely grandma, went to ‘powder her nose’ whilst eating with a cousin and was found on the floor. She passed away in seconds, no warning, no long illness. The shock took a while to get over but none of this stress and worry. She was late 80s and I found out a few days later I was pregnant with number 3, my only daughter whose middle name is after my grandma. Shame they never met, she loved babies, but so much to be thankful for.

Thanks for all the support, I feel better about mum after a few days thinking about it again. Hopefully I will be more prepared when I see her on Friday and won't be so upset by it.

With the continence issues I realise now that mum was like someone else said(@Juneday ?) a potty trained toddler. She would call to say she needed the toilet and I would drop everything to take her. Once she got to hospital and she had to wait more than a couple of minutes it was too late. Even when she
was home she would still have accidents but once she went to the home she was in pads straight away.

Sometimes she knows me, sometimes she doesn't. Sometimes she thinks I am my best friend! Very often she ignores me completely and only wants to talk to my cousin but I visit every week because I need to see for myself that she is ok.

Was supposed to help Mum look at new garden sheds today, but Dad phoned this morning to say she didn’t get to sleep til 6am so won’t be going out today. Her sleep is badly disordered, she is practically nocturnal. Not unusual for me to arrive at 1 or 2 on to visit and she’s having breakfast.
So we’ve left it til next week now, and I feel relieved.

My auntie died with dementia in 2019 (it was actually a stomach ulcer haemorrhage that finished her off) but in the later stages she always recognised me and was pleased to see me. By then she was bedbound, incontinent, screaming for help when alone, and had lost most ability to chew and didn’t know what to do with food, so I’m glad the ulcer intervened. But she did know me. I wish I had spent more time with her (she used to sleep a lot) but at the time I was working 4 days a week and she was a 40 mile round trip away, so it was once a week. Leaving was always awful.
Re pp who talked about continuing treatment too long, she had bronchitis at her last Christmas in 2018 and was treated in hospital with antibiotics and oxygen. She was then discharged to a council care home where I think most of her remaining 4 months were miserable. I wish they had let her go, but I wasn’t next of kin (my mother is) and had no say, and my auntie hadn’t made any instruction (not even a will).

MIL can come out with awful things about everyone, and is especially vicious to FIL, but it somehow seems more savage when she lays into her kind, devoted, hardworking children. I suppose it might feel less hurtful if there hadn't been faint foreshadowings of this kind of outburst in the past. So when the staff try to soothe the family with 'It's just the dementia talking', it doesn't altogether ring true.

Thank you, @EmmaEmerald