Cockroach cafe 🪳 Summer 2023 🪳

What an emotional rollercoaster @IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere.

Congratulations on the new grandson.

@IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere they put you through it don't they.

I got to the hospital and waited quite a while because they were working on her then saw her lying in the bed looking more dead than alive. We chatted and told her and about the baby. She muttered a bit then I told her the names and she repeated each one after me and recognised FiL's name and said she was glad. Now we have two grandsons each named after a grandfather. She kept saying "Wow, that's lovely!" So she is waiting on an assessment from SALT then she will be back at the home in time for bed!

So I will keep to my plans for the weekend and my cousin will be available to visit at a moment's notice.

@IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere congratulations on your grandson, and sending strength for what lies ahead.

Keep those peaceful thoughts @IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere.

Thank you. I was about to walk out the door to get a photo printed for her when the nurse phoned.

@IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere

Sorry about your mum, if you do get to see her in hospital still tell her about her new ggs, you never know she might still be able to hear especially a voice she knows and loves.
Congratulations for a new grandson for you.

I've had a call from the home. Mum is "unresponsive". They called the ambulance and I spoke to the paramedic. She is not showing any signs of distress but her heart is doing weird things. I had said I didn't want any treatment to prolong her life but the GP has said she needs to go into hospital because this change is unexpected and she wasn't on an end of life plan.

So I'm waiting for an hour or so for her to be booked in to hospital then I will phone and go up and visit her.

I am strangely peaceful and organised but I wish she could know about her great grandson who was born yesterday.

No, it's no help.....the sad thing is, it all has all clashed together with mum being ill, and me being ill. I remember there was a very apt meme going round about anti-lockdowners like me experiencing "the longest, saddest "I told you so" ever".

this feels similar. I was never one to get pleasure out of "I told you so". I was very kind to mum of course, but I think my sister was a bit shocked by my words. It does now have to be "my way or the highway" and I have to do that to protect my mental health.

That said, I am now mulling over the legal matter that's come out of the blue, and I suspect it might not be that bad. But mum has got into such a state about it, it reminds me of her dealing with dad's estate. She was so stressed by the legalities and admin, she had frequent panic attacks. She wouldn't let me deal with it and the solicitor's bill was eye watering - but it was only then she realised I could have halved that bill.

I know a lot of us cry over irrational stuff and panic over irrational stuff but she is going to make herself really ill. I think the best thing may be to wait and see what happens but I think she will chase after legal advice to make herself feel better. But this time, as PoA, it will us taking the stress. She won't be able to understand a solicitor now.

We are awaiting the results of her brain MRI. I find dealing with her the most stressful part of it all, so if it comes up with a result that can make us her representatives without any input from her, that would be useful but I doubt it will come to that.

she had twice daily carers but has now cancelled the evening one which is a shame. But she has capacity, so... 🤷🏻‍♀️

I’m sorry Emma. I’m guessing that there is no satisfaction whatsoever to be gained from “I told you so”.

Just catching up with the thread

This so horrendous isn't it

News from here

Haven't seen mum in a while. She said she wanted to see me and my sister together but said it was nothing to worry about.

We arrived to find her in a terrible state due to stress. Two legal/financial problems have arrived, one of which was the cause of my recent anger as I predicted it years ago, and it's now very much looming over me.

The other is completely out of the blue and involves a foreign relative.

She feels the stress of it might kill her. It's awkward because although I am prepared to forgive, I'm not in a great state to be dealing with this stuff and my sister is notoriously crap at it, though some of that stems from not wanting to do it.

I don't really know why I'm sharing this, except maybe to say - if you have elderly relatives who need to be shouted at to accept that action must be taken, just shout at them. Don't worry about your relationship with them suffering.

If my sister doesn't take on one of these, it will be an enormous problem for me to do it. I should have been much more aggressive with mum about the predictable one. Unfortunately mum and sis have a tendency to think these things will sort themselves out.

Whenever I told them the avalanche was coming, and I specifically said it'll probably happen when I'm ill - having had a couple of serious injuries and illness - they told me not to be silly.

The avalanche is here.

I now to have to decide to save myself and limit my attempts to stop them getting knocked out in it.

I suspect my mother would have responded similarly! Alternatively she would have proudly told them how continent she is, as if it's a positive personality trait for her to take pride in. There is quite some grandiosity about the way she talks about her health, compared to other 'poor souls' who she seems to deem lacking in the willpower to maintain good health (despite an ever growing list of ailments she seems determined to deny)

I found out recently that a good friends DC is starting a research masters in neuro- linguistics with specific interest in dementia. Could be fascinating. I kept a diary for a while this year and said I could share some info with her. Be interesting to see where memory, language etc overlap. DC is super bright and is likely to go on to do a PHD. Reassuring to know 20 somethings keen to understand this illness.

@IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere while my dm was in hospital my dsis (through her work) met Catherine Middleton. The next week my niece met the Queen (Olympics related). There are newspaper photos documenting both of these, but the poor hospital staff must have been raising their eyebrows at the nice old lady in bed 8 with the 'royal' delusions!!

At the same time as the bizarre Royal reality, dm asked me whether it was real or a dream that dogs were allowed on the bed in hospital. I said, no, there might be therapy pets who come to visit but they'd not be allowed on the bed. "Oh OK that's good" said dm "because there were 5 of them, and they were helping me to do the crossword on the computer."

@countrygirl99 @Lightuptheroom so difficult. When my Mum was a few months from the end with Parkinsons, M&D had a social care assessment. They concluded that it wasn't safe for them to take my dm in the very small shower, so my Dad sent them away! "We manage fine" no you don't! no you don't!

MIL (in her 90s) had a telephone assessment -covid! - they asked about her bowel habits. Of course they have to, to assess for incontinence etc. MIL was horrified, told them to rip up the form they were filling in because she would not be telling them that kind of information. And then hung up on them. She was fully continent of bladder and bowel and could have just told them that.

When my Auntie (DA?) was still alive and had dementia, she would tell me all about the TV series she was in - she was convinced the hospital ward she was in was actually a TV soap set in a hospital like Holby or something. She loved it. Later in a care home, she thought I had come back from S Africa where I now lived to visit her, and she was sorry I’d got divorced and gone off with someone else as she liked DH. He was with me at the time, sat right next to me on a visitor’s chair… I think she had Lewy Body dementia which is known for hallucinations. In a way it was kinder as it sort of kept her entertained.

On cleaners - my DM is thinking of having one again and I could help her find one, but I am worried about the state of the house in the first place. Mum is a hoarder and the house is very untidy - they make an effort now & again but it’s really hard to clean in there. Is that a problem? Will cleaners still do it and sort of work around obstructions?

My mum was convinced we were in a holiday cottage when she stayed last Christmas. We've been here 22 years.

Maybe weddings are one of those things people rationalise about being unable to remember. MIL used to get upset that she'd missed our wedding, and had never been invited to our house. I suppose it was the only way she could account for having no memory of these things.

@IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere MiL has a boy who sleeps at the end of the bed atm to protect her. 🙁. She thinks one son is a doctor and that we own the nursing home so maybe those are positives 🤣. The doctor is actually part time funeral director 🤔 and ex police. But I am not having triplets or twins anymore which is a huge relief all round 😮👍.

@Juneday how strange - my mum also claimed last week that there had been a wedding and she wasn't invited! I think she might have been confabulating the wedding celebration we had at the beginning of the summer for our daughter - beautiful table set out in the Hall with the best china and pretty cakes.

Mind you, apparently the home is closing so she will have to come back to live with us or move to the North and the fire alarm went off a couple of nights ago and my dad fixed it. Pretty good going for someone who has been dead for 11 years :-)

@countrygirl99 that is hard and like many seem to find, until something drastic goes wrong nothing seems to change even if you try. I think it may just be a waiting game sadly.

MiL was clearly struggling before diagnosis but was fit having gone for walks every day. A dizzy spell and then the realisation that she just couldn’t understand her bank statements led to her realising she might need help. Your mother sounds strong and determined, my MiL had always been a bit of a fussy type But that’s in comparison to mine who hates to admit defeat! MiL got doctors to come and call me into curtained hospital areas during Covid - my nurse friend said the staff should have said no. I wasn’t happy about it, I would always say to staff she is not my mother! I was a bit embarrassed but with hindsight some of it was likely beginning of dementia memory and anxiety problems. 🙁

@IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere this whole capacity thing is a joke on many levels. Funny thing MiL talks about parties too, some she thought she was having and worried about what dress to wear and more recently she says there was a wedding in the nursing home but they didn’t invite her🙁. I can relate that to when a grandchild of hers got married aboard and didn’t initially send an invite because MiL would not go aboard and never had…. It was awkward because MiL then insisted that DH & I should go to represent her side of the family, trying to guilt trip me about it. We were invited but I had only met the relative concerned 3 times and DH is not close to his family so we bowed out. No one was offended. But I think MiL was unhappy about it not fully understanding the cost and annual leave and that we had our own plans for a holiday. 😁 but I also think she felt left out.

@Juneday finding a cleaner would be a fraction of the hassle of getting mum to accept one. I know it's awful but I sometimes wish mum was physically frail as then I could make an argument that might stand a chance. But she's at that awkward stage of alzheimer's where she has zero understanding that there is anything wrong and thinks she manages just fine and dandy and how dare anyone suggest otherwise. Anything that goes wrong/she gets confused about is forgotten pretty quickly therefore she has no problems. Physically she is really robust and regularly walks a mile into town or goes dancing. Physically she is perfectly able to do all the housework in a small bungalow with no difficulty. But her brain is failing and she thinks she did something yesterday and really it was a fortnight ago. E.g. last night she was puzzled that the milk was going off as "I only bought it in Aldi yesterday". But the best before date was 5 days ago and she gets a community minibus to Aldi on Tuesdays so it was bought at least a week ago.

@countrygirl99 Thank god for lavender. Had similar smells issue but Carers didn’t help leaving soiled bedding on the kitchen floor!😮. I got MiL on list for a cleaner with Help the Aged, you could make some enquiries 🤞. Luckily my mother got recommended a cleaner after She fractured her shoulder and loves her, to the point that we get told all
the time about how marvellous and hardworking she is and my mother is a bit bizarre about it tbh but it is a relief she has kept her on. My parents are yet to need much else in the way of help it is one less worry when they do.

I asked DH today if he had read any of the hospital letters he has access to for MiL - he said the complex process of getting access on the NHS app. means he doesn’t have time🤔. I am keen to see her Psych report and any discharge letter from orthopeadics - he clearly isn’t. 🤣

a bit off piste - I signed up to a ceramics course in Jan, having done it once before to take my mind off everything, but found the lecturer difficult and off putting. At the time I had been visiting MiL every day then back to A&E and what I thought would be relaxing and a distraction was not because of this women. I found out others felt the same and a friend recommended a different course and teacher. I turned up for first day of term and the one I can’t get on with is taking the class today. It has made me so anxious I can’t go in. I can’t believe how pathetic I feel - I was quite a rebel at school …. I think it is linked to how I was feeling at the time about MiL and lack of support etc. Luckily better easier going teacher will be in next week. 🤞. I am going to have a coffee and go home. 🤣

@Juneday I wouldn't want to be dealing with her today. She got taken to hospital midnight on Sunday and brought back in the wee hours last night. She will be hideously grumpy. Haven't heard anything from DH yet, probably won't until he gets in from work.
Trying to work out how to broach the subject of a cleaner to mum after last night's kitchen bin episode. The problem is that physically she is perfectly capable of looking after the house but she evidently has zero sense of smell now and she forgets how long it is since she cleaned. House was a bit grimey last night but not hideous - apart from the bin, I got home and shoved my face into a lavender plant to erase the memory. I think if someone came in and gave the place a good going over at least once a fortnight she'd be ok but she will hit the roof. She was moaning that DB is sorting out a better savings account for her so you can imagine how suggesting she isn't coping with keeping the house clean would go down.