Cockroach cafe 🪳 Summer 2023 🪳

Update from the doctors Friday is it could take weeks or happen very quickly so it's really difficult to know what to do. DH and others are upping visits but it's impossible to do the 2 hour round trip plus visiting time every day. On top of that DH is self employed, his work is seasonal and now until Christmas generates about half his income for the year. We are at the jumping every time the phone rings stage but mostly it's customers booking a job.

@countrygirl99 sending strength and thoughts.

Just back from a 5 day trip abroad - the first in 4 years - to find poor DM had fallen and fractured a vertebrae ( a wedge fracture?). There’s no treatment just pain relief and she is in agony. DB and SIL were around fortunately and he was literally hopping on our doorstep when we arrived home. We’ve been taking shifts today to look after her but they are back to work tomorrow. Hoping to speak to the GP in the morning.

Thinking of you @countrygirl99 🌺🌺🌺. Sending strength.
@IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere how sad.

MILs doctor phoned this evening. Difficult call. She's been in and out of hospital for the last couple of months but no more and no more blood tests. Her heart and kidneys are failing and need the opposite treatment. Massive drop in kidney function in the last couple of weeks. So now it's just keep her comfortable and end of life meds have been prescribed ready. Just waiting for the end now could be days or weeks.

How bittersweet for your uncle IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere. It sounds like your mum is comfortable and I suppose that’s all you can expect at this point.

@Lookingforasilverlining that all sounds impossible. As an only child I cared for my mum on my own after my dad died but I had plenty of support from my husband and kids (and extended family).

Mum made it back to the nursing home on Sunday evening, still very sleepy but eating and responding. One uncle went to see her on Tuesday and said she seemed brighter than she had been for a while. My other uncle went yesterday. He is elderly and doesn't live locally so only visits every few months and he was a bit upset that she wasn't making sense - even though I tell him every time that she has very little language. She did however talk to him and tell him all about her brother and how wonderful he is and how highly regarded he is. She is unable to connect the brother she is talking about with the man sitting talking to her. But I am glad he heard what she had to say about him and how much she loves him.

And, at long last, the lift is mended and she is back downstairs during the day.

She does live close and does do more than me at times. I’m a stay at home Mum with young children while she works with older children who can be left in house by themselves for a bit or go out by themselves. I think she believes I have more time to do things. We are just at different life stages.

My sister would like me to do more but that’s a whole other story

It's a story we're very familiar with on these threads, though. Don't be guilt-tripped into doing more than you feel you can.
Does your sister live close by? How much of the caring load has fallen on her?

@Lookingforasilverlining sorry to hear and it sounds emotionally exhausting, I think until you have been there people under estimate the toll this takes. Also worrying to hear that a discharge that likely was too early or ill advised caused latest fall but it is a sadly familiar story. 🙁. I hope the visiting hours are working for you, and try and ignore instructions from other family. and that you get answered . Some hospitals have specialist geriatricians who oversee elderly patients but how and when referrals are made seems a bit hit and miss. Don’t be worried about asking lots of questions, ask what you need for your own peace of mind.

@MotherOfCatBoy yes, I think it’s essential that. A doctor in A and E did discuss ceiling of care and to be honest it was higher than I expected.

@PermanentTemporary I feel like every time I go in I’m fire fighting a new issue asking about Pneumonia or blister on her heel. I’m now down to visiting 3 times a week, calling my Dad daily and popping in once a week on him. My sister would like me to do more but that’s a whole other story. I’m tired of not knowing to expect when I visit and my young kids are upset that Daddy is doing more bedtimes.

@TheShellBeach Mum was at home with Dad caring for her but the reality was it was too much for Dad which they were both refusing to accept. My sister is around but we have a tricky relationship where whatever I do isn’t enough and then if I do something she does more, sometimes unnecessary and unhelpful things to show she is doing more.

@Lookingforasilverlining were you caring for your mother at home, prior to her hospital admission?
She sounds very unwell.
I'm not surprised you're drained. Ask one of the nurses to explain the palliative care pathway to you, specifically as it applies to your mother.
Are there any other family members around who you can talk to?

Hello @Lookingforasilverlining 6 weeks sounds completely draining.

Have you been able to leave a message with the ward and speak to a nurse or doctor who can explain what the palliative care pathway means in her case?

But more to the point, how much visiting are you doing? You must be exhausted. I hope you can take rests x

That sounds hard @Lookingforasilverlining, sorry to hear that.
Cant comment on the pathway as haven’t experienced it but I think it means they will make sure she is comfortable but won’t try to “cure” those things.
Hope you have support around you

Hi all, I hope you don’t mind me jumping. My mother has some serious health issues (copd, heart failure and MS) and on a palliative care path way - although I don’t really under what this means. She is currently in hospital after breaking her leg a few hours after an unsafe discharge. She is now bedbound and this is realistically unlikely to change. This morning the hospital couldn’t wake her and had to give her glucose for low sugar. They currently suspect her kidneys aren’t working and it fits her symptoms of no appetite, barely having a few mouthfuls a day and vomiting.

Including the original hospital admission she’s been in hospital for nearly 6 weeks and I’m mentally exhausted.

@PermanentTemporary I hadn't thought of that. I guess it is because she is with a new surgery and I don't know her GP. Our surgery doesn't cover the area where she is now even though it is only a few miles away.

Oh hairbrush. I'm afraid I think that was a dreadful decision by the GP. If you feel up to it I would have a discussion at some point with the GP about avoiding hospital admission and why she isn't on a palliative pathway (prioritising symptom control abd comfort) even if she isn't actively dying.

hairbrush I'm so sorry about all this. I know the final time dad was admitted to hospital, they then wanted to move him to a more specialist place further away. I was literally weeping with the stress of thinking I'd have to travel further. luckily they decided against it.

Honestly, as a society we really need to have better conversations about medical interventions and EOL.

Nodancingshoes I hope you had a good holiday? I might go on one myself, haven't done that since 2017.

@IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere My DM equally frail got moved when we weren't expecting her to leave care home. Paramedic called me from care home and said DM had to go hospital for her comfort. Found out later DM needed oxygen and care home couldn't provide. DM passed in ambulance. It's hard when unexpected interventions change what you are anticipating

@EmmaEmerald mum is nearly 87. I have had it in my head that she is older than that! Getting confused with my MiL who is nearly 89.

I do not like roller coasters. I eventually got hold of A&E this morning. There is no evidence that she has had a stroke! She is more or less unresponsive but they did wake her up and she ate porridge and drank 150ml of water. They have no reason to keep her in but she may have to stay for a while until there is transport available to take her back to the home. She is completely immobile so she needs the ambulance crew to move her. I wish she hadn't been taken to hospital.

I've been missing in action for a few weeks - been away on holiday. Nan is punishing me for that now that's for sure....Even though my sister went in every day whilst I was away, sometimes twice, that wasn't good enough. Things had got a lot better, she was much more positive and getting up and about more. She's taken a leap back now though and we are back to her wanting to die and making everyone's life a misery (sorry if that sounds harsh). Sending strength to all that need it xx

@IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere so sorry to hear about the rollercoaster time, I hope you have a calmer day today whatever it brings.

Enjoy your lovely hugs with your new grandson tomorrow.

hairbrush do you mind if I ask your mum's age?

The roller coaster is real! We were told at the hospital that mum was just very dozy, they were cutting down on the new drug and expecting it to work out of her system. Tonight we had a long standing plans to go out with family (DS and DDiL had travelled home 60 miles to come out with us tonight) but before leaving the house I rang the home to check that mum had got back to see when we could visit tomorrow. Apparently there is no talk of mum being discharged. She has had a stroke and is completely unresponsive.

So tomorrow I have to ring the hospital and find out where she is so we can visit. But whatever happens I have to go away on Sunday to meet my grandson.

I honestly can't see her coming back from this. She has no quality of life as it is, if she can only use one finger, she can't talk, it's so cruel.

hairbrush I feel for you. Rollercoasters are shit.

is it time to put an EOL care plan in place? I don't know when that's allowed to be a consideration. They waited till the last possible second for my dad. He looked so dead, I actually apologised to his ward companions and explained I was trying to get him in a hospice.

i have had a lovely day out with bestie, who is now really struggling with the elderly parent problem, but seems to have learned from my experience and is being very strict, I wasn't so strict at this early stage.