Cockroach cafe 🪳 Summer 2023 🪳

@EmileFord depression and anxiety are really common after stroke - I work in a post stroke team and we have a clinical psychologist in the team because of that. It can certainly be treatable. Would your mum accept that you're worried about her and would she see the GP with you for that reason?

@funnelfan true, there is that.

We had a wonderful time thanks. Amsterdam. Loved every minute.

@BestIsWest i hope you managed to get some kind of break in those 5 days!

i wonder how much is a rod I’ve made for my own back. Saying “don’t worry mum I’ll sort it” to something trivial she’s fretting about seems to have become “funnel will sort it” to everything, big or small.

We were only away for 5 nights…

funnelfan I could have written that. I think it’s the mental load more than anything that gets me down. We had our first trip out of the country for four years last week. By the time I’d sorted out shopping for DM, arranged delivery of prescriptions, rearranged her flu jab, sorted hearing aid batteries, ordered incontinence supplies and given my brother instructions on various other things that she needed, I’d almost gone off the idea of going away.

Halfway through I got two phone calls from social services care and repair dept about fitting handrails for her (I ignored).

The moment our plane touched down back in the UK I got a text from DB saying he needed a chat and as we unloaded our bags he was on the doorstep with a litany of disasters from the week.

I don’t mind the time I spend with her, it’s all the other associated stuff that gets me down.

I manage to mostly stay calm with my mum and then vent at my understanding DH. But there are limits. She has a really uncanny ability to ring me during the rare times I’ve mentally assigned “for me”, to tell me about a perceived problem or to want me to do something. Regardless of me already speaking to her that day, or even when DB was staying with her to look after her. Recently she’s rung me when we were on holiday and on a day trip to Iona, somewhere I’ve always wanted to go, while I was contemplating in the Abbey. On a mid week day off I took to do a sewing retreat. At a rare meal out/ date night with DH. When we’re at the football. All multiple calls, which usually means she’s worked up about something and I can’t leave it to call her back later. Each occasion was something that could have waited till the next time I spoke to her - when DB was staying with her she rang me tell me my brother had gone out shopping and she didn’t know when he’d be back - as if I’d be able to tell her!

I must admit on those occasions I’ve showed a bit of irritation and asked her exactly what she wanted me to do at that exact moment. While internally wailing that I can’t have a few hours centring her in my thoughts. Of course, she doesn’t realise so much of my mental load is around her, the carers, the house, the garden, her medical appointments, her shopping - it’s not just the 5 minutes per day we speak on the phone.

sorry that turned into a rant. But I have no idea how she manages to do it.

@EmileFord I also agree that going to your mum's three times a week is quite mentally and physically draining.
Please don't beat yourself up over one lapse!

@EmileFord strokes can change personalities…. Certainly worth raising with gp.
and you are doing loads! Can you get in help? Do they have attendance allowance? Worth considering to fund help. Be kind to yourself.xx

Thank you for the responses - feeling less "down" now. DahliaMacNamara - we do have a good relationship and she's been just the best mum to me - I think maybe I am scared myself that I'm now the one who has to be in charge.
BestIsWest - it must be so awful for our mums to feel so scared or confused. Emile Ford was mum's favourite - we still listen to an LP of his!
funnelfan - I'll take on board it's not up to me to fix mum's anxiety - I need to accept that. Her Dr isn't aware, no - I think she'd be very reluctant to admit that vulnerability to anyone else.

@MereDintofPandiculation you’ve been very quiet. Hope things are not too difficult.

Welcome @EmileFord. None of us know our limits until they’re tested, and even then there are good days and bad. So don’t beat yourself up and compare yourself to anyone else. It sounds like you’ve been through a stressful time yourself supporting your parents. It’s upsetting seeing your parents ill, vulnerable and in hospital. I would also disagree that living with them full time and now visiting three times a week to do their housework is “no pressure”.

also, understandable as your mums anxiety is, it is not your burden to shoulder or try to manage or fix. Your reaction sounds very mild to me as you’ve described it. Are your mum’s doctors aware that she has anxiety that is this severe?

Welcome emileford I often feel frustrated and cross and I don’t know why either. I think my DM feels the same - scared and if anything goes wrong it’s so disruptive. My heart breaks for her at times.

( the only 45 single we had when I was little was On a Slow boat To China)

Oh, @EmileFord , it's hard not to feel you're being mean or at least impatient some of the time. I have to try really hard with FIL, who's been through such an awful time, and is either still traumatised by the ordeal or has mentally slowed down a lot. Very likely a bit of both. I don't think I always succeed, and DH certainly doesn't. He still expects his dad to be like his dad. At least your mum can tell you how she's feeling. It sounds as if you have a good relationship on the whole.

Can I join? I was mean to my lovely mum earlier today - she had a stroke a few months back and has made such good progress physically, but gets very, very anxious about stuff going wrong. Yesterday it was a symbol suddenly appearing on her mobile screen. Today it's the oven not working. I live close and went to have a look at it, but she got totally anxious about me touching anything and about the electricity it was using (although it isn't working). So I said well I'll just go home again then and she got so very upset. It was horrible of me to be so petulant.
I lived in with her and my dad (he's 91, mum is 88) for weeks after her stroke but am going in 3 times a week to cook, clean, iron etc. so I'm really not under pressure. Reading what some of you have dealt with and are dealing with, I don't know why I was such a cow. She says she feels scared all the time and puts on a smiley face to pretend that everything is fine, but that anything going wrong just throws all that out and then she's scared that she is scared. Breaks my heart.

@DahliaMacNamara hope you, DH and all the family are coming to terms with your loss and remembering all the better times.

@DahliaMacNamara sorry for your loss.

@DahliaMacNamara I'm so sorry about your MIL's death, and I completely understand the mixed emotions it brings.
Every good wish as you navigate the admin and give comfort to FIL.

@DahliaMacNamara im so sorry for your loss but completely understand the mixed feelings. So glad it was peaceful. 🌺🌺

@DahliaMacNamara sorry for your loss but glad the end was peaceful, which is all any of us can ask for.

So sorry to hear your news @DahliaMacNamara but, as you say, an awful mix of emotions. Look after yourself x

Sorry for your loss @DahliaMacNamara and glad it was peaceful. So many mixed feelings when someone suffering so much dies.

MIL died at the weekend, having acquired both an infection and Covid. It wasn't a traumatic passing at all. We sat with her in hospital, and eventually her breathing stopped. I'm so glad she didn't have to live in her nightmare world of dementia any longer.
There's plenty of work up ahead, what with all the sadmin, and FIL to look out for. But for now it feels as if a weight has been lifted for everyone. Most of all for MIL.

Hope everyone is doing ok. Life is grinding on for mum. She does ok in the warmer, lighter months but now the evening are starting to draw in and the weather is getting colder I’m expecting her confusion to worsen.

It is lots of smaller things that seem simple in themselves but when you’re 100 miles away and they start building up it can get overwhelming. Especially as mum has reached the stage of just expecting I will sort it. The current job is tracking down whoever called her to make a doctors appointment. She took in none of the call, and rang me in a panic saying she had an appointment but doesn’t know who or where. Not her GP. Not her consultant. Not the nurse. No letters have arrived. I’m beginning to thing she dreamt the call in the first place.

She gets really tired and grumpy if she jas too many visitors. DH was the 3rd on Friday and it was way too much for her. He tried to do a video call to our son who lives abroad which she usually loves but he gave up in the end as all she wanted was for him to close the door if it was open and open it if it was closed so he was just up and down the whole time. So now they are co-ordinating so it's only 1 a day unless they get "the call".

@countrygirl99 sorry to hear your news. You can only do what works for you and DH, and just hope for a peaceful outcome for all.