Cockroach cafe 🪳 Summer 2023 🪳

What a horrendous mess. I blame myself, I have to take responsibility of course

You need to stop blaming yourself, Emma. I am quite sure that nobody on this thread (and nobody who has been in your position) would be blaming you.

I do not blame you.

You need an extended period of recuperation now. Much longer than you imagine, I think.

Best doesn't your mum have to agree to a DNR?

Re your friend, I can't fathom missing a parent who was late 80s. I probably upset my mum by saying I don't want to take her out any more. She's too wobbly and frail. She still wants to get rid of her carers - when I suggested she get them to take her for a walk, she was confused by the idea. It's not her fault of course, it's just things don't occur to her.

Tarmaced yes, my father didn't get an official terminal diagnosis till about two days before he died. We are so at the mercy of the individual personality of doctors. But as we have brains in our heads, we knew it was the end and said goodbye to each other in August. Stubborn git hung on for three months. But it much as it was hell, my mum might suffer extended hell...she'll outlive me at this rate.

And she doesn't have a diagnosis really, just general frailty.

I'm meeting a friend today and I'm just exhausted as I spent most of yesterday in tears (due to all the financial and practical mistakes I've made because I thought I'd care for my mum). I'm even dreading the walk to the station I'm that tired, why does this shit always kick off when you have nice things planned?

What a horrendous mess. I blame myself, I have to take responsibility of course. But I still think the problems of her initial refusal to have care and just expect me to do it is why I had a breakdown, which is taking a bloody long time to recover from.

I feel really bad for saying this but when people are terminally ill you know there's generally a timescale.

With something like Parkinson's or dementia, it can (and often does) go on for years.
It's interminable. 🫤

Countrygirl wishing your MIL peace.

My best friend lost both her parents to short but brutal cancer in their late 80s. Until then they had both been reasonably active and neither had signs of dementia. What she went through in nursing them was absolutely horrible but - and I feel terrible saying this- it was brief, less than three months in each case.

So I don’t think she gets it at all. I often get ‘I wish my DM was still around so we could go out from breakfast, lunch etc’. I want to say that I feel the same, that I wish my DM of a few years ago was still around.

Currently waiting for Social services to call back. She’s been referred to the multi disciplinary team but they suggested in the interim we get a private carer in. My DB is away but when he’s back we’ll have a chat about it. I’ve cut down my visits to once a day, late afternoon so I can make sure she’s had lunch and do any little jobs like washing, hoovering. Today I have to do her shopping.

Her GP brought up the DNR question with me last week. I think I’ll talk to DB about it first. Not sure whether to broach it with DM or not.

definitely at a stage in life where parents and ILs take up more time and causing most worries. Luckily MiL is relatively settled in nursing home as she was dominating my life for a while and I think I would have packed my bag and disappeared if more help hadn’t come from her own family!!!

I Haven’t seen MiL for two weeks as we have been away two weekends. DH said ‘but DB is seeing her’ - I was a bit short with him because his DB told us both he was cutting visits to one a month and no he wasn’t seeing her!!. Other BiL is away for 6 weeks. So MiL has had no visitors.

Had a weekend away at DS ‘second home’ with DB, lovely SiL, DS, DH and parents. Parents who are old and don’t like to admit it. Deaf mother who just turns tv so loud no one can hear and can’t walk without holding onto someone. Father has hearing aid but says it doesn’t work. This resulted in mother shouting and father not hearing so DS shouts it louder. DF absolutely lost it ‘shouting and swearing at DS’ he thought she was belittling him apparently. He looses it over some minor thing every time we see him. He ruined a family party for my birthday reducing me to tears, DH told everyone party over go home and hasn’t really forgiven DF. Tbh nor have I, for his outburst a few weeks ago when I offered to show him something on my phone. Where he screamed and swore about evil effing phones. Tbh I haven’t forgiven DF for the two affairs he had, first when I was 16 and second when I had first child. My poor DM had been depressed over a big move for DFs career and all the time he was seeing a colleague. Second time a mutual friend of theirs who even sent a present for my newborn - when I found it was her I gave the toy to charity. But DS seems to have forgotten how devastated my mother was and how hard it was moving for DF career 7 times in 16 years. It was hard on us too…. I think I had mild depression and DM absolutely did, but DF selfish and attention seeking didn’t think about us.

DS forgave DF his viscous attack. She says DM is hard to live with and not nice to DF. As they deteriorate and start to need help it will be hard, they won’t admit to the help they need and DM won’t admit she can’t hear. I do wonder about their GP! Surely they see DF shuffles and is bent over and DM can’t walk without help but won’t use a stick.

They have always been busy and independent and lived full lives. They have never offered to come and stay and babysit - we had to ask once so that we could go to a good friends wedding. They would not even be on call when I was having third child. MiL would have but her DH was ill and she didn’t drive. Now DF keeps saying come and see us soon and I think, not sure I want another outburst and to be the one who is shouted at for no reason and DM crying or looking embarrassed.

DF deliberately says controversial things to try and get attention so DH and I have learned to ignore it. DF was telling us about a good friend from work and golf crowd he has be friends with for years, who organised a lunch and he wasn’t invited. DM said it was probably that he forgot but I wonder whether they find his behaviour annoying too🤔.

DH doesn’t enjoy having to bite his tongue and find common ground so he gets stressed about visiting - when there he does all the driving because we can’t bear being in car with DFs driving.

I feel guilty about not visiting as much as they clearly want, For now having to visit MiL is an excuse…. We do host Christmas though.

I think I can see what could be beginnings of dementia in both, mother repeats same stories about friends and family every time I see her, and doesn’t remember (or hear) what I have told her. DF said he had been to the ornithologist instead of audiologist, he copied an address wrong and other little signs.

will have to let them muddle on, they live 2 1/2 hours away and have kind neighbours and still many local friends, I gave them details of falls alarms that they asked about but they don’t seem to have got any further with it yet.

DS, DSiL and I compare notes after visits. Time will tell.

Dahlia that seems a wrong thing to say to you but I realise she was desperate when she said it. My friend pulled out "we're lucky to still have our mothers". I mean, what can you do? You can't make people understand.

countrygirl "I told someone I envied orphans and they were horrified"

I understand you saying that. There's a guy who did some work on my flat and I had to leave a long gap between jobs because of being ill. I was very blunt with him about why I was ill and he looked very sympathetic and said "yes, I was extremely relieved when I became an orphan".

We had the "prepare yourselves" call about MIL nearly 3 weeks ago but were told it could take a few weeks. Last week snd at the weekend she was looking better and more cheerful than she has all summer. Last night we got a call to say she gas taken a turn for the worse and if anyone wants to see her they had better come in the next week. Youngest son is flying home for a couple of days Thursday night so he can say goodbye.
We are well into our 8th year of elderly parent care. This will be the 3rd loss in less than 2 years. Soon there will just be mum who's alzheimers is progressing very slowly so we could have another 10 years or more. Mum is at the stage where she needs support rather than care and doesn't accept she needs support or hearing aids. We get random crises like she has lost her debit and credit cards 3 times this year. Always both although she hasn't actually used her credit card for a couple of years. Every time she gets in a tizz and gets distressed by everything for a couple of weeks. It's hard to predict what is going to cause an upset so difficult to mitigate. Things like a mouse in the kitchen didn't strike her as a problem but a few weeks ago she convinced herself she was overpaying for electricity for no valid reason and her summer bills are tiny as she has solar panels. Took all my effort to stop her cancelling the direct debit after DB had taken time to make sure she was on the best tariff.

DFiL was moved to a nursing home last week. We went for a visit on Saturday and it's better than the hospital and the people are nice but it's a fairly rough old council funded place! My DH was shocked at the £981 a week price tag. He said 'is that £98 or £981' so niave! The family has refused to pay. It's meant to be temporary while SS find a flat for the in-laws together. DMiL has visited twice in 5 months. I keep offering to take her and she makes excuses. It's very sad. He's just stuck lying in bed waiting to die. He can't move due to stroke but his mind is pretty much functioning fine. He has the odd crazy moment but that's fair enough. This is definitely a situation where the right to die could be humane if that's what he wants! He's very much at the maudlin stage where he is looking back at his life and realising there isn't much left. All of our parents were doing well not so long ago and they have toppled at the same time!

@Myneedycat my mum sounds at a similar stage of dementia to yours. I live 3 hours away and she has some support where she lives but needed more. I managed to find a personal assistant who is amazing. She is self-employed not agency and she has really taken responsibility for supporting her. Then, as the dementia progresses, the PA can do more care. I was looking to move her closer to me and that's still possible but she has even more to lose so I'm thinking to leave her at home for as long as possible! The PA support means I get help with all the admin and I can spend my time with her doing nice things. We're going for a spa in a few weeks!

Someone once told me I was lucky both my parents were dead. I think both sets of parents in her household were in the frail/ailing/dementia stage, and even though my own parents barely got a whiff of retirement between them, I knew what she meant. She was exhausted trying to cope with a full time job and running around trying to handle all the emergencies that come with stubborn independence and dementia.

@EmmaEmerald a couple of years ago we still had all 4 parents alive, all.with significant issues. My parents an hour away in one direction, ILs an hour away in the opposite direction. We'd had a period of almost daily emergencies on both sides and for the 3rd time I'd had to tell mum, who has alzheimers, that there was a chance dad might die this time and no the hospital weren't allowing visiting unless he was definitely dying. I told someone I envied orphans and they were horrified.

TucSandwich OMG i haven't had one of those for years! Do they still sell them? They're addictive!

Yes, she did ask how I was. I was in floods of tears this afternoon about property and financial issues - she was very helpful even though some people might see it as a "diamond shoes too tight" situation.

It was during the discussion about practicalities that she kept overriding the £ side with "what about your mother". It's surprising to me that at 55, she hasn't had other friends in my situation - I'm 47 and have been dealing with parental health issues for years. But, it might be that no one says the hard stuff in real life.

funnel I don't say this in real life but as a child, I was grateful not to have grandparents and all the obligations that brings. I would worry for any family doing multi generation. It could get miserable for all concerned.

The "best" carers for parents that I've known have been men. But, I am starting to see a lot of unhappiness in one chap, - he's lashing out at work - and the other now has health problems that I think he might have avoided if he hadn't cared for his mum for ten years+. She's passed now and while he admits it was hell, he says "I don't regret it, it was the right thing to do". I find myself wondering if he just can't face up to the regret. Worst thing is, he wanted her to go in a care home but his siblings objected because of potentially losing their inheritance!

I think it's very difficult for most people with normal, healthy relationships with active parents to imagine what it is like to care for an elderly, frail and/or demented parent. And the relentless reality of the impact it has on everyone's life. It's not just popping round a couple more times a week for a cup of tea. It's difficult for them to understand you're not frightened of receiving The Call either.

There was a recent thread in AIBU about a couple planning to move three parents/in-laws into the family home as they have the space/annexes to do it. Most posters on the thread were so supportive of multi-generational living and how fantastic it will be for the grandchildren, and all I could think of was what kind of life the wife will have in 15-20 years time when the kids have left home and the parents are all in varying states of frailness.

I assume she didn't ask how YOU were doing?

So sorry to hear about all the disasters
i sometimes wonder how we are still standing.

I said the unsayable in real life today almost by accident. I was talking to a friend with a similar age mum. I was actually discussing with her the fact that I regret moving (or at least buying this particular flat which is apparently made of cardboard) and should I move back to my old place.

Anyway, she wasn't thinking at all about the practical and financial side, just kept asking how I'd cope with the journey to mum, how I'd keep an eye on mum etc.

It took me several attempts to get her to understand that none of that is even on my priority list. When the penny dropped, she said "but aren't you worried about your relationship with your mum?"

I said "no, all I want is for the next emergency call to not be my problem".

So then I got "what if she dies?"

I said, "trust me, if you were on your fifteenth emergency call, you might not be worried about that either".

She was shocked. But her mum is still organising community events etc. I explained that mum still constantly expresses her desire to die and she was genuinely appalled, said she's never heard of an elderly person saying that! She also has no concept of emergency buttons, key safes, no idea where the local care homes are.

I hope for everyone's sake that her mum continues hale and hearty and cheerful till the end. It's strange talking to someone like that. She was also shocked that post breakdown I just pop in for a cuppa once a week. Said "can't you do more, it must mean so much to her". Grr.

Pleased to read your update @IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere

Got to the home today to find Dad showing Mum their wedding pic from 59 years ago and trying to tell her who he is.
She spent the whole time either rubbing her hands along the chair arms or licking her fingers and trying to clean her trousers. The nurse said that she had eaten but had to be helped.
Dad was very tearful when we left as doesn't like leaving her unsettled, but I did try to tell him that she seems content in her world. Am finding visits increasingly difficult.

I hope it all works out for your mum, @IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere . It certainly doesn't sound as if staying in hospital would be in your mum's best interests. And having her cousin in the same place would be a massive boost for her, so I really hope that falls into place too.

I just couldn't bear the thought of her spending an indefinite time on the ward

I don't blame you, @IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere and I'm really glad to see your update. Fingers crossed.

Everything crossed for your dm 🤞

@IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere great news

I have just phoned the home and they have had a call from the discharge team saying she will be back today! I was going to contact PALS and thought I would ring the home to check that there had been no issues three weeks ago when they brought her home. If she had panicked and lashed out going up the stairs or something she might have caused a problem but no, she was fine.

The nurse has said she has been in and freshened mum's room to be ready for her so the plan is to get her back to her room! I am so pleased. Even if transport doesn't materialise today but she can get home tomorrow that will be ok. I just couldn't bear the thought of her spending an indefinite time on the ward.

oh @IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere who could have thought it would go in this direction ? Sending strength by the bucket load - once I’ve emptied them if rain. Whatever care home we were in the weekend response was weakened simply because they were on lower staff. Hopefully, the care home will have been thinking creatively these past 24 hrs to offer a solution. The reverse argument of bed blocking also comes into play with hospital discharge. Did someone actually visit the home from discharge team in the past few weeks or are they just being ultra cautious. ( like another patient ?) Hopefully, too, doctor steps up and realised they have brought more issues. Fingers crossed all Monday -Friday teams can work together for DM’s best interest.

I hadn't thought to write to the GP. I will get his details from the home.

She was quite used to the routine in the home. My uncle would visit one day a week and my cousin and I would visit another. Through the week she had activities and friends around her. We feel while she is in hospital we need to keep visiting but it is so expensive. I go by bus and it's an hour, door to door so three hours every day. It sounds so mean to resent it but I don't even know how much pleasure she gets from this strange woman appearing at her bedside!

My cousin is willing to take me but she works full time, she has her own family to look after and other commitments. But we can't just abandon her.

@IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere I really feel for you. Mum was only in hospital for 10 days last year and it was the most stressful time ever, hope you can get something sorted soon.