Cockroach cafe 🪳 Summer 2023 🪳

Yes, @EmotionalBlackmail , most people don't understand the reality of it. It's bloody hard work and feels relentless.

It's often things that should be easy that turn into really difficult problems. For example, DM needs to have flu & covid vaccinations. Sounds simple, ha ha ha. I've got to get DM to surgery which means the in/out of car struggle, car park at surgery is tiny so will end up parking 100 yards away. With DM that might as well be 2 miles, and it's up hill. Then there's the fuss of getting her ready to go there - she really pulls a face about Dr's appointments so I know there will be tears and shouting.

@MissMarplesNiece Become an especially bad daughter for these next few weeks and protect yourself. Let her admin gather dust if you can.
Getting in and out of the car is so much easier with a HandyBar Cheaper versions are available.

I think if people have no experience of the reality of supporting an elderly person, they just can't imagine it. It's always been my reality because I grew up with a frail grandparent living with us - so everything was geared around always being available for them, not leaving stuff around to cause falls etc etc. Yet I have friends in their 50s who have never had to deal with this.

So you get people who think it would just be a sweet old lady sat quietly in the corner joining in the family meals you'd have made anyway and no effect on anyone else's life. Why on earth wouldn't you want them there and the "if it was my Mum..." line.

Whereas the reality of making adaptations, them waking in the night, never-ending confused phone calls, trying to get appointments which then means an entire day is spent at the hospital and getting there. I doubt most people who haven't had to deal with it have any idea about even doing the basics of washing and dressing for someone with poor mobility, the reality of incontinence or the way none of the supposed support agencies seem to talk to each other.

@MissMarplesNiece sorry to hear your upset and worries, I am afraid empathy seems to diminish - in all elderly I have noticed this not just PWD. Are they any local groups, we have that can help with transport and days out, admin etc. Age Concern may have contact details, they also had vetted paid gardeners and cleaners - although there are waiting lists.

the sweet tooth issue is familiar, MiL was on pre diabetic diet through GP and fortnightly clinic, as soon as it ended she was back to cake, biscuits and bars of chocolate. When cleaning her flat I found chunks of chocolate everywhere, bedside, side of chairs, handbags, etc.

I hope you get the help and support you need very soon, you need a break.

It all seems never ending. I seem to spend most of my free time doing life admin for DM or feeling exhausted as a result. There's no acknowledgement or appreciation from her. All she wants is for me to take her out. I know she's bored - it's shitty that she's got cataracts so can't read or knit, but taking her out is so stressful. I'm scared all the time that she's going to fall and I couldn't lift her, I'm physically frail myself. Getting her in and out of the car is a nightmare. A risk assessment would have it as a two person job, at least. I can't manage it. I wish she'd accept that.

Yesterday she was in a foul mood. Her blood sugar has gone sky high because she's helping herself to so much sweet stuff. So, sweet stuff is off limits and she's having tantrums about it.

And all the time there's her bloody dog yap, yapping.

My psychologist phoned yesterday because she was worried about answers I'd given to a questionnaire. I told her I want to go to sleep and not wake up. I'm meant to be visualising being in my "safe" place. All I can do is visualise another day of DM.

@MereDintofPandiculation you are right on all fronts, he has always been a bit argumentative, for attentions sake I think, but he hates getting old and these outbursts seem related to that.

DM never sees her GP who she doesn’t like anyway and is impossible to get an appointment with. DM fell on her shoulder and was given an appointment with practise paramedic who said it’s just a bruise! I said you need an x-ray I have never known you in such pain, she got one on private health and it was a fracture. Eventually practise prescribed oramorph so that she could sleep. It took 6 months before the pain went and I think she saw the GP once. DPs don’t know that after paramedic said it was just a bruise I wrote to the practise and said please look at my mothers records, she never visits and never complains - she is in agony and not sleeping.

one grandson is a medical student my mother thinks after 2 years of classes (not hospital or surgery yet) she can just ask him everything instead. He is arrogant and/or not bright/sensible enough to say to her ‘I am not qualified you must see your GP, she even asked him to talk to their gardener about a problem and he seems to have given advice about cutting medication!!!’

DH had a call from nursing home that MiL has an infection and another screw has dislodged from ankle. She is on antibiotics and isolated in her room. DH was v busy at work so didn’t ask the questions I would have asked. I am assuming open wound again and infection at the wound site. Was surprised she is being isolated, she wasn’t last time that I am aware of. They said she isn’t happy! Hope we can visit this weekend but expecting very distressed lady.

Mum5net "This might sound bad, but if your DM no longer lived nearby, would you enjoy your new home a lot more? Is the area right for you, even though you have less space? If you can’t put your anger aside, leave the decision for a bit longer."

Tbh I don't factor in mum being near any more, so it's not a problem. The area is lovely. I don't want to go on too much but there's a long list of problems with this flat.

This morning I realised another unpalatable truth...I might have to move again!

But I won't rush anything.

Teeth are a mystery. My dad's wisdom teeth started threatening to emerge when he was in his 60s but it turned out they were just having a little grumble. Went on for a few weeks.

Mum5net that sounds as if the wisdom tooth might fill the gap left by the extraction? I didn't know they could come through at any point! I have a small mouth and a red letter day for me was having the last of my wisdoms extracted so the other teeth could kick back and relax.

I hope all is OK with your DM moving back to her room Hairbrush, that's a hard situation to be in.

Hope your MiL is peaceful Countrygirl

EmmaEmerald there is a lot of social and institutional pressure to give unrealistic levels of support to elderly parents, even when it's very bad for our own health.

I am still pootling on, DM in her care home, me living quite a long way away but visiting. Next year I will move and that will be quite a bit closer, an hour on the train away, but not so close I feel claustrophobic. I've prioritised having a life of my own, DM is early nineties and I'm nearly retired (early), so I keep an eye on her and make sure things are the best they can be in re how she lives. It's not what either of us would have wanted but here we are, and now she is in a care home I can at least look more fondly on her, not having the 'on call' panic I had previously, even though we've always had a 'complicated' relationship.

This might sound bad, but if your DM no longer lived nearby, would you enjoy your new home a lot more? Is the area right for you, even though you have less space? If you can’t put your anger aside, leave the decision for a bit longer.

I have a quick aside to share.
Unusually, I have a wisdom tooth coming through. A root canal tooth lower back had to come out in July. Amazingly, a replacement one is making an appearance even though I’m 61. Such an odd feeling. My dentist said there was a minuscule possibility the extraction might cause a bit of movement. No point rushing to tell him because I m pretty sure he concluded there isn’t enough room.

That's what I'm doing, just so hard to deal with the anger that I was so dumb in the first place.

Good advice@Mum5net .

Quite a stressful period for you, @EmmaEmerald. I guess I’m saying, take your DM out the equation and prioritise yourself.

I'm guessing you mean in terms of the choices I have now?

I'd stay here, in the new place, but mum's house would be empty so that makes things completely different, I could make use of that till it got sold. So I guess really, I'm saying I'd live at her house!

I think it's important to work on the basis that she will live several years though. Longevity is a sad trend on her side of the family, her elder brothers lived into their 90s, bedridden.

@EmmaEmerald Fast forward to a period in time to when DM is no longer around. Where would you like to live then?

Yes, I talked to my friend yesterday but she mostly kept on with "what about your mum if you move back".

I talked to two other friends about the other aspects today. Emotionally I want to go back to my old place because I've missed it since I left, and it's bigger. Horrible rough area though. Not like that when I bought it of course.

since leaving, .i have sat on the floor here, the new place, and just wept at least three times, because I miss my old flat.

Have to be careful who I talk to because it does all sound very "my diamond shoes are too tight".

But maybe my anger will be assuaged by going home, and starting over. It was a mistake to move. There is an offer on the flat but he's going so slowly, there's no enthusiasm, and frankly the law allows me to pull out 🤷🏻‍♀️, though that's another big legal bill.

One law firm quoted me £900 extra to deal with a high rise! so there's also an argument of "get rid of it while you can".

I've got to check on the old flat tomorrow, in this new headspace, I might have a visceral emotional reaction either way. And this time, travel to mum is not a factor.

@EmmaEmerald sounds like you’ve got so much on your plate. And you have done so much for your dm. Big decisions here- is there a trusted impartial friend you could chew it over with?

I'm blaming myself for the financial and practical mess i have made.

that is no one's fault but mine.

I don't give a shiny shite about the rest of it any more, but to cock up financially - new flat appears a very bad buy - now in possession of two flats riddled with issues and hard to sell.

and I know that money is far more important than anything else, but somehow I thought it would be okay money wise and mum was more important. Did aliens take over my brain or something?

stupid, stupid me. There is no recuperation time in terms of sorting out the money, I've got to get stuff sorted now. I've done nothing since the breakdown in July.

this week I'm going to decide if I am going back to my original home...it might get pushed into next week I guess but hopefully not. I will tell mum that if I do that, she effectively needs to imagine I've moved abroad. I am not doing that bloody four hour round trip any more.

i think the only way my anger will fade is if i go back there even for a short period.

sorry, I realise this is totally off topic

But to be clear - I have zero guilt about walking away from mum. I did feel guilty at the start but have seen sense.

Thanks @PermanentTemporary. Reading through that, DM doesn’t have capacity (Alzheimer’s) and if ultimately it came down to it I don’t think it would be in her best interests and GP knows my thoughts.

When i say 'cost' of resuscitation, I mean the downsides of it, like probable broken ribs/trauma/long recovery/non recovery etc, not the money cost!

@BestIsWest this us my understanding of all medical decisionmaking, including DNACPR;.

1. Medical decision on benefits vs cost of resuscitation for this person
2. Discuss with them and get their views on the medical decision. They can't definitely get treatment/resuscitation if the dr thinks there's no benefit, but they can refuse it.
3. Is there any reason to think this person may temporarily or permanently not have mental capacity to refuse resuscitation (or, in practice, to request resuscitation?) If not, assume they do have capacity.

1. If they may not have MC, assess formally

1. If no capacity, consultant/GP makes decision in their best interests. This should include their views and family views. It should be the least restrictive option.

On DNR a hospital doctor called me to ask before MiLs second op because he couldn’t get an answer from family. Luckily I could and the bros had discussed it and agreed. We don’t have LPoA on health but GP and hospital acted on sons say so and the care home has the certificate now.

Emma it isn’t anything you could change. You must find time and an excuse to have a break from the worry. I started a course one afternoon a week and told MiL and carers my phone would be off. It kept me sane - although I found the tutor so scary that it wasn’t quite what I had hoped for! But I think it was my anxiety at the time made me super sensitive, so keep an eye out and let people near you know when you are worrying.

DH family now cutting visits to MiL to less than one a month which puts pressure on him, he doesn’t complain but he always asks me to accompany him because he does find it hard to deal with. He wouldn’t tell his DBs that sadly, whereas I would share! Sharing and asking for help will give you strength.🤞.

@EmmaEmerald you must not blame yourself. No one else would. I’m well aware of how guilty the situation makes you feel - I’m sitting here with coffee when I should be out doing DMs shopping. Enjoy your day with your friend.

I feel bad because DM is so frail but I want to be planning to do things with DH. I retired six months ago and my plan was certainly not to be caring for DM. I feel she’ll go on for years too. Her heart, lungs etc are all in top order.

I’m a bit hazy on whether DM has to consent to a DNR. The GP talked a lot about whether she has capacity and at the end of the day it would be a medical decision but I’m not sure how best to approach the discussion- which is what I want to discuss with DB. We do have POA but again I’m not sure at what point that becomes applicable.

It’s complicated for me as we saw paramedics attempt resuscitation on DF (unsuccessfully). It was awful and I have no idea what his quality of life would have been like had he survived but we had talked about DNRs - he was outraged that a friend had been asked the question and I knew he would have wanted them to try.

Another long post sorry.