Cockroach cafe 🪳 Summer 2023 🪳

@WhatHaveIFound Don't worry about the DWP. As long as he gets the right benefits he's still entitled to the payment.

Sorry just realised that the thread has moved on. I'm not quite with it today. Too little sleep + lots of work + parent stress.

DWP are being a pain today as dad had a letter re the winter fuel payment so I thought I would let them know that he'd gone into a care home. Only they won't speak to me until I lodged the LPA with them and just directed me to their website where there's no email address I can send it to. So I'm going to have to go to my local Jobcentre Plus tomorrow to see if they can copy & submit it for me. It's the only working day that I have free this month so fingers crossed I don't need an appointment.

Both parents are looking increasingly frail. I had to remind mum again that she should be wearing her pendant rather than just being in the same room as it. I fear she'll just ignore me and may end up falling with it out of reach. It really is like nagging a small child to do things these days.

Dad's main wheelchair (which he can self propel) came from our local mobility shop but is quite heavy, especially for my mum. We bought a cheaper lightweight spare one on eBay.

@BishyBarnyBee @TucSandwich also companion tickets for the theatre and a blue badge! It's a terrible disease, there is no denying that but I'm trying to maximise the benefits and focus on enjoying my mum as much as I can still and give her the best life she can live right now. My DM has vascular dementia so this could be a long goodbye or she could die tomorrow if something heart related. I'm trying to take it about 3 months at a time and not worry about the future too much.

@BishyBarnyBee my mum lives on her own with alzheimer's she was diagnosed nearly 3 years ago and dad died January 2022.
Until recently she was coping OK at home as long as everything stayed the same. Got totally confused when she stayed with us or DB. Recently cleaning and putting on clean clothes seems to be going awry. Unfortunately she doesn't remember seeing anyone for a diagnosis therefore it hasn't happened she is perfectly fine (ditto her needing a hearing aid) and won't accept help.
So far she's needed support rather than care though we have had carers going in once a day just to check she's OK ( none of us are local and her hearing the phone when we call is hit and miss) and to check the fridge for rancid food that she thinks she's only just put in there. Support is tough because it's random, she receives a letter that confuses her, turns off the heating and wonders why it doesn't come on or misplaced something so it's hard to buy in planned help. She has been conned into overpaying massively for some work in the garden.
Recently she's started to get physically frail so we are trying to concentrate on that as a reason to get a cleaner in.

Thank you all. I've kind of barged in here so will start my own thread about what happens to someone living alone with dementia. Obviously it was very different - though still horrendous - when FIL had MIL in the house with him.

Thanks for all the responses.

@TucSandwich that's still up to £400 a month. My DM now has a council tax exemption and we are lucky to have an admiral nurse from the Royal British Legion. You can obviously access support from Dementia Uk, Alzheimer's and Age UK specifically for dementia if you know it is that. There might be someone eligible for carer's allowance and I get an allowance following my carer's assessment. You can get priority access to the GP for the carer and the individual. I've had counselling from Cruse because it's a living bereavement and the fact that I get less frustrated because I know she is unwell. I work for a charity so have good awareness of what's available. I know it would be good to have more direct care support but there is lots of support available for the family.

I'd say not to overestimate the support you can access after a dementia diagnosis. In my experience it's easier to get AA, and that's it.

@BishyBarnyBee it sounds like it could be dementia to me. I would say she shouldn't go to the go about this by herself because she will tell them she is fine and nothing will happen. As for whether you should encourage her to get a diagnosis, as hard as it is and as much as it is nicer not to know, she and the family can access more support if she has a diagnosis. When things get hard, it is also likely to be less frustrating for the family. As awful as it is, my DM and I are better off for having her dementia diagnosed. Good luck!

Is this the right place to ask for advice? FIL died in Dec after very tough 18 months with dementia. MIL (85) understandably coped very badly and was very distressed and agitated a lot of the time. 10 months on, she is physically much better but I'm seeing lots of confusion that feels very ominous to me.

She went to the doctor in May, was told memory problems are a natural part of ageing. She says frequently how glad she is that she doesn't have dementia. But we were there this weekend and she was baffled by small practical tasks - putting things into her handbag was a total performance and took many attempts. More worryingly, she read something out to me then read the same paragraph again. Later, she told me she'd never told anyone this before and told me the story of FIL death which she has told many people many times.

Her children might be in denial, I think, because what they went through with FIL was so rough. She lives alone but has v supportive friends and neighbours.

My question is, is there any point in talking to her about what I've noticed and encouraging her to go back to the doctor? Or is she best muddling through and staying independent until things get worse or there is some kind of crisis that brings things to a head?

I almost can't bear to raise it with my poor husband, I can see the despair in his eyes when she is in a state and I think he's just trying to think about it as little as possible because it's so upsetting to face up to.

Any thoughts?

DM has renewed her home insurance today and DH asked me if we should let the insurer know about the dementia. Does anyone have experience of this?

@countrygirl99 so sorry that was hard with dm- but please choose your battles, and try and conserve your energy. 🌺🌺

MIL is still with us. DH is exhausted. Conversation with mum didn't go at all well. She doesn't seem to see the dirt and insists she cleans daily and couldn't possibly countenance the intrusion of a cleaner. She clearly hasn't cleaned her loo and bathroom for weeks 🤢. She's never cleaned everywhere daily in her life and was happy to have a cleaner when she worked.

Sending hugs and energy for all you have to face @countrygirl99

I hope it's peaceful for your MIL and DH, @countrygirl99. And that you get your mum round to your way of thinking later.

Thanks everyone. She's still with us but asleep most of the time. DH is exhausted but I need to go to mum's this evening to fill her pivotell and try to persuade her she needs a cleaner. Thankfully we made sure we had plenty of batch cooked meals in the freezer evening it means we live on nothing but spag bol and chilli for a week.

@countrygirl99 my thoughts are with you.

@countrygirl99 hoping for peace for you all.

All the best @countrygirl99 for your family and sending hugs xx

Thinking of you and your family @countrygirl99

Thinking of you and your DH @countrygirl99