Have other MNers have ever abruptly run out of patience with an older parent?
My mother died more than 15 years ago, relatively young. My mother was the leader in every aspect of my parents' relationship; she planned all family activities, ran the household, worked a challenging job, managed their finances. She also managed the relationships between my father and most other people in his life including myself, my sibiling, and my parents' shared friends. My father is a very passive person and was happy to be bossed about.
My mother's death was very sudden and there wasn't any chance to talk about what future support for my father might look like. Since then, I've tried to support him. I live in another country, but have visited often, taken him on holidays, helped with his life admin, encouraged him to see friends and family, set up some more home support for him and done, in person or remotely, lots of small tasks that he finds difficult. My sibling lives on the other side of the world and, while kind and with good intentions, is not able to offer much support.
My dad still lives independently but his judgement is fragile, he makes poor financial decisions, he is needy, anxious and probably depressed. His mobility is worsening, but his mental and emotional health is worse than his physical health. He tends to be very negative. He is a poor communicator and struggles to articulate what he thinks and wants in ways that make sense to other people. He may be showing initial signs of dementia, but it is hard to tell because he has behaved oddly over a period of many years. (He may be neurodiverse; other people in the family have recently been diagnosed.)
I knew my father would need substantial support for the rest of his life, and over the years I have visited every couple of months, more or less and checked in by phone at least every week. I thought that, though this support probably seems a bit meagre to some people, it could at least be consistently maintained almost indefinitely, and I'd have something left in the tank when my father needed more support.
But this is not how it's panning out. My father's mobility is worsening and he needs more help/closer attention paid to his finances etc. because his judgement is also worsening. And now I'm finding that far from having 'something left in the tank' I seem to be losing all patience.
I don't know why I'm suddenly so angry and frustrated with him. I have some of my own stuff going on (perimenopausal, struggling at work) but I don't have a markedly more busy life now than I did before. He has been deteriorating very gradually over many years; there's not been any sudden change. But I feel like I am increasingly off with him. This (predictably) makes him even more anxious and stressed.
It feels as though, the more fragile he feels and the more scared and depressed he gets, the angrier I get and the more I want to say cruel things to him. I can barely stand to visit at the moment, though I still do. He lives in an unsuitable house and refuses to move to sheltered accommodation or accept more care at home. This is not unusual, I know! But he complains all the time about how he finds things very difficult, and I have begun to actually lose my temper, which is unlike me.
Has anybody else experienced these kinds of feelings? How did you deal with them? Did you find a way of recovering your usual patient, kind carer persona? All suggestions would be welcome because I am disliking myself at the moment and I really don't know what to do.