Caring for an angry, selfish parent, how do you cope?!!!!

We were told DMIL ( similar situation to you with carers and being angry) had dementia, along with other things, and she wouldn’t last long. She went another 7 years.

I’m quite surprised at some of the replies on this thread, they seem to lack empathy. I’ve been in a similar situation with my MIL and my DF, who were both lovely people until their final months. Not being able to do basic things and self care, plus pain is really hard and can make people short tempered and downright nasty. Doctors can’t give accurate estimates of how long someone has left. Personally I’d say be kind when you are there to the extent that you can. With my DF I used to agree with him how awful everything had got. If it is too much for you to handle, and these situations are horrible, go less often. I found being there at the same time as the doctor every now and then helped as I got a bit more insight into how things were progressing and asked him about how to handle the nastiness and how normal it was. This helped me. And do talk to someone about this IRL if you can OP, you could swap coping strategies for example. Anyway good luck with it all.

And if he tells the carers and they report her to social services for elder abuse?

My relative died several months ago, and we had two years of looking after her in her own home with the help of carers. It is unbelievably frustrating and sometimes we felt like screaming, but you can't get angry and shout at someone in their 90's. You just can't.

What was he like before this, OP? When you were growing up?

Absolutely this. Although I imagine the vast majority of people would 'prefer to stay at home', the fact is that they might be much more happy and comfortable elsewhere, and you'd be able to have a much more positive relationship with them for the remainder of their life.

Sorry I disagree. So what if he tells people she's angry and shouting at him? Anyone would be angry at being treated badly. She doesn't have to put up with it just because he's old, just because he's ill or just because he's her dad. A short sharp shock might solve the problem. He's behaving this way because he can, because he thinks she'll tolerate it. It's worth a try before walking away from the shit show. Because that's her only other option if she doesn't want to be treated badly.

I'm not sure that the OP can lose her temper at him. It wouldn't turn out well if he then told the carers that his daughter was angry and shouting at him? She needs to remain calm and not lose it in front of him.

stop enabling to stay in his own home if you are. Its not his choice if he needs so much help.

If he still has capacity and tells you to go away, then say "All right then" and just go.

Yes I talk to him calmly and say I understand and sympsthise but Im doung all I can to help make him comfy etc. Then I get I cant understand you, you're talking too much, go away etc.

I'm suggesting you don't talk to him calmly. Let him see you lose your temper at the way he's treating you. You don't owe a rude person politeness. Being ill doesn't give him a right to treat you badly.

I understand his feelings but I'd be telling him in no uncertain terms it's not in to be taking it out on you and that if he doesn't stop, you'll stop visiting. If that doesn't work, follow through with it. Also speak to him/his doctor or social worker, if you're in contact with them, about the possibility of antidepressants. He's in his 90's, this isn't a phase he's going to work through by himself or with a counsellor and come out the other side with acceptance of his situation. It's a shit situation that isn't going to change, he's in his final years, there's nothing wrong with a little chemical assistance to help him cope.

I’d leave him to the carers and not go in very often.
When he gets to the point of needing care more often, or refusing care, you need to get a SS assessment.

I think at 90 I'd just sit it out if its not a usual character trait. She sounds in pain, uncomfortable and pissed off. I'd hope someone was kind to me in my final years if I'd not been so my whole life.