Caring for an angry, selfish parent, how do you cope?!!!!

What do you mean 'Oh give over!' Of course one brief argument isn't elder abuse. What I am saying is that the carers might not think it's only happened just the once. They might think it is a frequent occurrence and they have a duty of care towards the elderly person they are looking after.

Anyway, if you think that shouting at someone in their 90's is appropriate, then I will continue to disagree. I'm not disagreeing with the OP choosing to walk away from the situation, or indeed to firmly stand up for herself by telling him she won't stand for it any more. But getting angry and shouting at him? I wouldn't advocate that.

No, I don’t agree. I don’t think you can hold him to the same standards when he’s in the last months of his life, ill, and in pain. After all, we don’t hold women in childbirth to these standards, do we?

But you don’t have to let it overcome you, OP. Leave him to the carers if he’s being difficult. And the rest of the time, keep your emotional distance. Try to observe him coolly “he's having a bad day. He’s shouting and cursing” as if you were making notes on a laboratory experiment. If you find yourself listening to the content, just leave.

If he rejects your suggestions, just leave it. He may not want a solution, he may just be looking for a good vent.

Sorry you are in this situation OP.
When I was caring for my dying mother, one of her friends came to visit, and i must have been looking at the end of my tether - she said something along the lines of “they get awkward and miserable, and that’s natures way of making it a blessing when they pass” much truth in it i think.

Perhaps we should have a thread about how to detach!

It seems to be a constant stream of treats to cheer parent up but nothing is ever good enough and it's draining.

Oh yes I've got one of these, absolutely awful. No judgement here whatsoever, am also feeling totally trapped and wishing it were all over one way or another. You definitely need to spend less time with him for your own sanity, hugs xx

Sympathies OP, similar situation here. I was coaxed to stay over recently then disturbed at 2am with bitter screaming rants and ended up having to catch a taxi home early hours feeling very rattled.

It isn't easy to deal with.

So sorry you are having to deal with this. I feel sorry for your Dad too. It's just an absolutely shitty situation. You aren't wrong to look after yourself too.

I hope you have friends and family around to support you and have a moan too.

I hope you don't feel guilty. If you do you shouldn't.

Honestly? You've just got to put up with it really or remove him from your life completely.

I went through exactly the same with my late Father (chuck in him being an alcoholic as well). Nothing you can say or do will make any difference. Being calm won't change things, being angry won't change things and will only give him something else to moan about.

If he's got mental capacity there's nothing anyone can do to make him go into a home if he doesn't want.

It's shit - nobody who hasn't lived through it will understand.

I so wanted to just walk away from him but in reality I couldn't. As much as he made mine and the carers life hell I could sort of understand that his life was worse.

I had a couple of years of this - when he died I hate to say it but I wasn't sad as I was just so relieved I never had to deal with the whole situation. That may sound heartless but it's so bloody draining fighting against someone who's had essentially given up.

Take care x

Give yourself a break for a week. He has carers. Leave them to it. You need to be selfish and prioritise your wellbeing.

Honestly, I would spend much less time with him and stop trying to be so helpful.

This sounds utterly unsympathetic to him, but it's not. At the moment you're assuming that your presence and your helpful suggestions are beneficial to him. You are a good daughter and you want to do what you can to make his situation better. But look at your post... everything in it seems to indicate that actually these things aren't helping him at all. In fact they're actively annoying him.

He is sick and old and his life sucks. There is pretty much nothing to be done about that. He has minimal tolerance for company or for anything else either. More or less anything you do will piss him off.

Visit less often and leave as soon as he gets nasty towards you - your presence is not benefiting him if it makes him angry. Nod along in sympathy at his complaints and agree that it's awful. Try not to suggest "solutions" - he can't cope with extra changes or tasks. Distract with other topics if possible.

Ultimately there is very, very little you can do for him.

It's a horrendous situation for both of you to be fair. My late MIL did go on antidepressants because she was very angry and knew just what to say to hurt the most. Could you have a private word with his doctor? Maybe they could persuade him to take antidepressants by saying they were for sleep or muscle relaxants. Some people have a hangup about taking antidepressants as they assume someone is insinuating they are "mad" by needing them.

Other than that, I'd suggest limiting your visits and making sure to mind your own mental health.

Are you sure he has capacity?

I'm guessing COPD? Its honestly not uncommon in late stage COPD. Anxiety and panic over breathlessness is incredibly common and sadly can bring a temper to those who are just trying to help. My grandad lived on 24h oxygen for 5 years, he was about 6 stone and had multiple pressure sores and was horrible to everyone who came near him. Everytime he had an exacerbation he was taken to hospital and treated but took away a bit of his quality of life everytime.

If he has capacity he can decide if he wants to comply with guidance to pressure area care. If the risks are explained it is his decision. To be honest for him the breathless of lying flat is probably worse than the thought of having a pressure sore.

If he has very little quality of life I think the kindest thing you can do is to discuss what to happen if he becomes unwell. If he wants to be given symptom control and stay at home make sure he has an advanced care plan and decision around CPR in place and potentially medications in the house should he need them. Make sure that POA is in place in case things change re capacity.

Take a step back if you need to. He has carers 4 x a day, if he needs 24 hour care then living at home won't be an option and he will only see that if you aren't bridging the gap.

I have to say hes 90 in constant pain and dying I think I might grumble poor chap. I am not a #bekind person but I honestly think in this situation its whats needed.

That is absolutely true.
One or two episodes of the OP answering him back might make him realize she's had enough of his grumbling.

Authorities are more likely to think carer burn out than elder abuse.

Oh give over! One brief argument isn't "elder abuse". It's called standing up for yourself. If it doesn't work then she walks away and he really will have something to moan about then. He's only still getting his wish of remaining at home because OP is kindly facilitating it. He should be grateful for the time she gives up to care for him, not snapping at her just because he's pissed off.

When I am with DM, who can be very nasty & bad tempered I try to bite my lip she's been like this all my life so I've had lots of practice. I've got very good at grey rocking: "Oh dear, that's a shame" etc.