Faking a relationship with elderly parent

Hi @Pippypolly I'm another one feeling fake. Also had periods of NC/VLC and lots of therapy. My mother is extremely popular among her friends and carers, and it's only because of my therapist that I don't think it's me that's the problem. My mother is very good at keeping it within the family and behind closed doors too.
And now I'm giving her several hours care a week and taking her to appointments and doing quite a lot of admin. We're getting on ok because I tread on eggshells and have got good at deflecting the comments. It's been pointed out to me that she installed these trigger points in me throughout childhood, so now just a look or a tone can be loaded with meaning. People who don't know her don't see it. I want with all my heart to love her, and feel guilty that I don't even like her much, especially now she's so vulnerable.
I'm sad that other people deal with this too, yet grateful to read here that there are people who understand.
Best wishes to you all 💐

I think you’re kind and ethical and it won’t be forever. You can come though this situation with your head held high.

I did that with both parents. No contact for 20+ years. They died a few years apart, and I had no regret or shed a tear. You reap what you sow.

OP I am in the same situation.

People looking at my DM and me think we have such a close relationship. It's because it's fake. I do love her and she's currently very I'll (terminal cancer) and, whilst I do everything for her that she asks - and she has told me she has disinherited me! - I know it's not for much longer.

I don't tell people this of course. The reasonable advice would be to cut her off but can't.

I feel for you

Oh OP, I really feel for you. I have a very superficial relationship with my parents - they live in a different country so I just do sporadic texts and visit once a year. It hurts and I have had years of therapy, and grieved my relationship with them very deeply. It's a long story but they only want a relationship with me on their terms, and I just have to live my own life

My MIL was a horrendous narcissist who treated my poor DP terribly. He used to phone her every Sunday and he used to dread it all weekend

It's horrible to feel this way about your own parents, but totally understandable, and you are not alone x

I just don’t do it. I cut contact years ago and won’t help with anything. Actions have consequences. You don’t have to do it.

You might be surprised how many people experience similar. I did not enjoy my mother's company at all. She was an abusive parent and I only maintained a relationship with her out of a sense of fear, obligation and guilt. (This is known as FOG. You can look it up. There's also a website called "out of the fog".)

I went "no contact" with her in her later years, and now that she is dead, all I feel is relief. I realised at that point that I actually didn't like her at all. Never had.

It's all highly complex from an emotional point of view when we have mothers like this.

Know that you are not alone.

I am in this fake scenario as well and honestly it helps to think there is a finite time left now. I'm doing it because I'm a decent person, not her.

Oh hun, I empathise and I understand how trying this is ⚘💐

She's put you through a lot of grief and now you're supposed to act like nothing happened. I suppose our bodies remember these traumas because us having a negativity bias would help us avoid dangerous situations.

I understand she's put you through so much, and that a lot of people will never know how hard you had it.

Sometimes, even though we have good intentions, we're never able to fully forgive the person that hurt us so badly.

Someone on MN wrote that I don't owe my happiness to anyone, and I agree with that.

When we intract with people, we may feel good, energetic, cared for, understood, ruminating, flat, or drained.

You don't have to be nice if you spent most of your life just trying to survive and defend yourself. It sounds harsh, but if your body just feels tired trying, give yourself a break.

You don't owe her all this care at the expense of your mental health. It would be ideal if we could just forgive and move on to people who harmed us. That works only if you are free of them at some point.

I can tell you're exhausted and trying. Give yourself a break xxx

It's very difficult, and it's decent of you to do as much as you're doing. I was in a fairly similar situation and I found that beyond any other emotion, I felt pity mixed with a sense of duty. This mix kept me going. It's not really 'fake' to see that your mum's ok, it's probably a mix of feelings that I too had. Could you frame it yourself in that way?

You don't have to do all the things you do for her.
You don't owe her, she has put you through hell.
Just because she is now old it doesn't excuse the past.