Some background. My mum is 87 and she has gone into a cognitive decline. Some things arent new to her behaviour. Other things are. I am her only relative in the country. We have never been close and our relationship has not been good. I visit x2 week 100 mile round journey and I have a long term v serious illness to manage myself which has rendered me disabled. There is no POA as she doesnt trust me and has never trusted me to act in her best interests. But I am alone. My brother lives abroad and is not engaged.
Weekly life and the stress of being my mums carer whom she doesnt want is having a huge impact on me. The picture is this.
She manages her daily activities ok as long as the routine isnt interrupted. She can wash, dress, go to the shops etc.My mum has never been social or engaged in life to a degree where she mixes with people so I am her only connection. She may talk to her neighbours. She has a history of becoming v fixated with her neighbours, putting them on pedestals, over familarisation etc.
These days she has minimal contact with everyone although seems to enjoy popping to the shop. I go every Sunday and take her out for lunch regardless of how I feel.
She has a history of some alcohol abuse after my dad died 23 years ago. I wasnt aware of this until many years later. There is no signs of alcohol abuse currently.
Any help I offer (sort out a new kitchen, garden work, etc) is met with suspicion and rejected. This rejection goes on until things become urgent and I am left with a mess to sort out. Again this isnt new behaviour but its becoming a problem as its now also combined with anger and agression so getting practical help is so difficult. I dont have the money to pay for house upkeep and due to her not having POA set up I am stuck trying to use my own money to pay for urgent repairs.
No conversational engagement. I take her to mine for a break and she will sit staring at the TV, not use the remote, not get herself a drink and repeating the same subjects over and over, just randomly talking. This isnt actually new behaviour. She has never engaged with her social surroundings and her self awareness has been limited to conversations centered around herself.
Gets incredibly aggressive with me. Emotionally labile. Cannot see any perspective other than her own. Her anger is hard to manage as its based on sarcasm and its personal and until I offer wholehearted apologies, it escalates. This coupled with the constant rejection of all help or suggestions makes life v difficult for me to try to support her.
What do I do? I cant carry on in this untenable situation. I can see she needs a lot more help and input even if she rejects it and becomes aggressive. Where do I start?
Any advice gratefully received.