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Elderly parents
Original poster

Nursing home dread

42 replies

Cherrysherbet · 14/05/2023 20:09

My Mum suddenly stopped walking nearly two years ago. She was 76.
We lived together until that time, along with my dh and our three children (2 are adults).
She spent 6 months in hospital where she had terrible treatment, truly shocking.
She eventually came home to us with a care package. She was immobile, confused, and incontinent. She couldn’t weight bare at all. She had two carers, 4 times per day to provide personal care. Dh and I then did everything else in between and at night. I had to cut my working hours down to the minimum, as Mum had to to have supervision 24/7. My Dh was here when I was at work, and I’d come home, then he’d go to work. I couldn’t take my Dd out, and time with her was difficult as Mum shouted for me all day long.
It was so difficult, mentally, physically and financially.

After a few months, she was taken back into hospital, as she was very poorly. We then had to make the decision not to have her home again. We just couldn’t do it.
I fought hard to have her local to us, and she was sent to a nursing home just round the corner.
This was nearly a year ago, and my goodness it’s so awful. They take care of her basic care needs eg.. washing, feeding, turning etc…. but she is in bed all day everyday. The only stimulation she gets is when me and dh visit. The staff refer to her as a room number. They don’t know her at all. It’s just so sad. She’s a person, she was a nurse herself once. She has so much that she still remembers, and can make choices for herself, but nobody bothers with her.
Dh and I try to go as often as we can, but honestly it’s so depressing. She cry’s and said yesterday that she wishes she could die. I don’t blame her at all for thinking that. She has dementia, and I know things will get even worse.

I feel so guilty if I don’t go. I didn’t go today. I slept when I got home from work instead. I feel so bad. The visits take up so much of my mental energy. They bring up so many awful thoughts each time. She begs me to help her get home. I just tell her that we have to wait for her legs to get better first, but obviously they never will.

She lies in bed, looking out of the upstairs window at the sky. She never sits in a chair or has any fresh air. The carers come in and roll her around to change her pad, which she hates. They barely interact with her at all. This is no life, it’s crap for her, and devastating for me and dh to witness.

I just can’t believe we treat our elderly people like this. Is this the norm? This home got a good rating from CQC. A glowing report! I don’t understand.

I’m just so sad, and it’s getting me down. It’s been two years of worry, trying to sort things for her, and visits….. the endless visits 😢
I feel so guilty when I say goodbye, and she wants to come with me, as she doesn’t understand where she is.
Is anyone else in this situation? I’m on a massive guilt trip, and just wish I could get her better care. She deserves it so much.
Thanks for reading. Sorry it’s so long.

OP posts:
TrollyHolly · 15/05/2023 09:09

How awful OP. You sound like a lovely daughter.

MidgeHardcastle · 15/05/2023 09:07

Honestly you need to move her! 20 miles is nothing if she will be cared for and respected and will have some quality of life. You will be happier and just visit 3 or 4 times a week. Look round care homes in the vicinity, explain your mum's situation. I can't believe she's not even in a chair. The home needs reporting.

LadyGardenersQuestionTime · 15/05/2023 09:06

I assume she is council funded.

The quality of care she is getting sounds very poor (the homes I visit always call residents by their names!).

Can you bring yourself to complain formally? The home will have a complaints policy online but generally it will mean putting your complaint in writing to the home manager first, then escalating with local social services if you don't get a good enough response.

Do you have sight of her care plan? Ask the home for it when you go and compare the plan with the care she is getting.

StrongTea · 15/05/2023 09:04

How awful, can you visit the other care home to get an idea of what it is like? Def complain about current situation.

LindorDoubleChoc · 15/05/2023 08:59

20 miles isn't far for a better home! Can you name change and ask Mumsnet for recommended homes in your area? Some homes are specialists in dementia care and do a lot better than others in this regard.

What does the home say when you raise concerns with them? Have you told the management that none of her carers know her name and you are completely dissatisfied with this. I hope you aren't being as passive as you sound about her situation, you are her voice and her advocate.

The "only chair she could sit in" being broken is ridiculous. Perhaps you could at least provide a chair for her and ask very specifically that she is moved out of bed every day. Can she watch TV, does she understand?

MereDintofPandiculation · 15/05/2023 08:52

Is she a self funder? Can she employ someone to come in and see her every day?

I get the impression you are visiting every day, so understand why 20 miles is too far.

Can you complain to the Care Quality Commission? Since they have classified it as good but what your mum is receiving is not good.

DustyLee123 · 15/05/2023 08:39

So you don’t like the home, but you don’t want to move her ? Seems like there is no answer then.

Borntobeamum · 15/05/2023 08:35

20 miles to the nearest nursing home would be my only option.
I always think what would my mum have done for me in this situation.
I know she’d have moved mountains because I was her daughter.

I honestly believe it’s your turn now and ignore all the negative thoughts that are leaving your mum in such a dire situation.

Nobsandnockers · 15/05/2023 02:31

Is it better or worse now for you and her thank it was at home?

DahliaMacNamara · 14/05/2023 23:21

A relative moved their mother to a different home in similar circumstances to yours. They felt there was not enough actual caring going on. Your mum isn't an object to be periodically fuelled and cleaned. You don't need to be told that. It sounds like the staff or management bloody well do.

blahblahblah1654 · 14/05/2023 21:53

I would move her ASAP. Poor woman has no quality of life. It would mean you visiting less but it would benefit her in the long run.

SummerLovingDays · 14/05/2023 21:48

Can you lodge a complaint anywhere? Report the conditions to social services?

It sounds awful. Your poor mum. Please do not let her stay there. Can you not take her home for a bit until you find a new care home?

Original poster
Cherrysherbet · 14/05/2023 21:18

Holliegee
Thank you for your reply. She can’t go outside unfortunately. The only chair that she is can sit in, is broken, and they have no maintenance person atm. It’s just a catalogue of excuses as to why she stays in bed 24/7.
If only detaching my emotions from her were an option. I wish I could, but I love her so much and can’t bare that she’s going through this.

Borntobeamum
Its the only nursing home nearby. We would be looking at least a 20 mile drive for another. I honestly don’t think I could chance moving her, as we may be jumping out of the frying pan into the fire! It would be a risk, and we wouldn’t be able to get to her quickly if needed.

MereDintofPandiculation
I’m glad to hear your Dad is known by everyone and is content. I was hoping this is what it would be like this for Mum. I never witness any interaction. To them, she’s just a room number. They talk in front of me, and call her by her number. It’s so upsetting.

I decorate her window with different things, and change it often. Eg.. I did an Easter theme, then coronation etc…. anything to make it different to look at. She has a tv, but can’t take it in, it’s just something to listen to.
Her short term memory is not good, but she would know if I said I’ll be back in a minute. I know the decline will happen, but I don’t know when. How do I enjoy my life knowing she’s is such an awful situation?

I thought they would at least bring her out of her room so she could talk to other people.

Blackbutler86
They haven’t had an activity person for a few months now. Nothing going on at all. It’s so depressing. This is meant to be a good home.

The manager is very ditsy. She’ll try to get out of any difficult conversation by just avoiding getting back to me etc…. The bottom line is, it’s easier for them to leave her in bed.
She has no quality of life imo, and they don’t seem to care. As long as she is clinically well, has no bedsores etc….. it doesn’t matter about her mental health.
I feel that a person with dementia can still lead a contented life, if their mental health is considered.

The way she is living is no better than a person in a prison. I really can’t see a difference.

OP posts:
Blackbutler86 · 14/05/2023 20:39

I’m so sorry you and your mum are going through this. I worked in a care home for 3 years a few years back and for bed residents the activities lady would come into their rooms to do things with them. It was games, reading, a puzzle, crafts, music or sensory stuff depending on what the person could manage. Is there an activities person at your mums home? I would speak to the home manager and ask about what can be done to help her.

MereDintofPandiculation · 14/05/2023 20:33

My dad is in a nursing home and in bed all day every day. But he’s 100, so that’s forgiveable. He is known, by all the carers, the nurses, the laundry lady, the manager, the cooks, the activity coordinator and the handyman. He is content. So it is possible you could find a better place, even if it wasn’t so convenient for visiting.

Meanwhile, try taking things in, flowers, a mobile. Would she want a tv or a radio?

How’s her short term memory? Once it gets bad enough, you can solve the distress of leaving by saying you’re nipping to the loo and will be straight back. By the time you’re a dozen yards away she’ll have forgotten completely.

Borntobeamum · 14/05/2023 20:30

Can you source a better care home?

Holliegee · 14/05/2023 20:19

It’s your mum and you’re sad that this is happening and yes it is very hard.
But, you cannot do anything more- even if she was with you with a full time carer she would still have dementia and little understanding of the world around her.

And whilst she is slowly disappearing as the person she was you still have your life to live and all you can do is your best by her and that wouldn’t ever be forsaking your life to making hers more comfortable so that you could feel at ease.

She has dementia her spark is dwindling and it has been said it’s the death of a kind while the body is still awake - so concentrate on just giving her set times of the nicest things you can - maybe once a fortnight you could go earlier and sit outside with her for a while (she won’t remember this afterwards) maybe wiping her face and spraying her perfume on her will make her more comfortable, talking about times gone by.

You have to try and detach your emotions from this as it’s kind of a hollow of your mum now xx