Nursing home dread

It sounds horribly like the home my mum was in for 3 weeks. It was awful.

My sister made a humongous complaint to the CQC. Mum is somewhere else now. Not perfect but it's night and day all the same. It doesn't have to be like this.

One of the biggest changes was when she was seen for her mental state by the mental health team. They were the first people who got through to her, because they were specialists. Ask for a GP review as she is expressing despair and crying.

That care home sounds awful, and I have experience of two care homes, at both of which my relations were treated as humans and well looked after.

A twenty minute drive is nothing, in the scheme of things. Get her moved.

I am so sorry for the abusive 'care ' your Mum is receiving. And for your distress. You really must look around for alternatives. BUT while doing so, COMPLAIN, COMPLAIN, COMPLAIN. Keep a note of everything that has happened. Inform the authority who placed her. Request an urgent review of her care, with yourself, social worker and home manager. Write all of your concerns to the care commision and copy it to the s.w.department senior. Remember, if you are successful in moving your Mum, there are other present and future residents to consider. This home needs the Care Commision to put a warning on, or to close it down. Good Luck xxx

Problem is, you can’t switch off from loving someone and caring about what’s happening to them. If they’re in a home which you know is not meeting their needs, it’s on your mind all the time, and you feel driven to visit as much as you can to mitigate. I’ve been there.

I sometimes felt like Mary Poppins sweeping in to put right all the wrongs - food and drink left out of reach, a catheter tube out, on one occasion(!) On another, Mum sitting on the elevated foot of a riser/recliner chair having wriggled down to the end because she was desperate for the loo and they’d left her so long (I had asked them not to leave her with the footrest elevated) that she was soaked. I ended up (probably against regulations) helping her to the commode, cleaning up and changing her fgs.

These and many more were all just by chance when I turned up at various homes she was in for respite care over the years she lived with us. Oh, she was a lifelong vegetarian, which I obviously told them, and I visited her in one home at tea time to find her with a ham sandwich, despite the copious ‘life details’ I’d been requested to furnish, to assist them in their ‘care’ of her. So communicating between staff can be a problem, let alone between staff and residents.

I never found the ‘dream’ home, but I hear they’re out there, so I hope you do, op.

My parent has been in four different care or nursing homes over the past two years (different hospital discharges with attempts at home care in between) and not one has been as bad as you are saying. You have little to lose and quite a lot to gain by looking at a more distant home.

I couldnt disagree more.

My DF was in a care home for his last two years. It was very good, but someone from our family visited every day. He had advanced dementia and aphasia and only responded to his family. My 2-3 times a week round trip of 3 hours driving and couple of hours visiting was my last gift to him.

For what it’s costing could you bring her back to yours and have a live in carer for her? I did it with my ex mother-in-law, although the carer wasn’t live in she was there a lot. I know it’s relentless but that home just sounds awful

It was a better home you wouldn’t always need to visit every single day. And you wouldn’t need to get there that quickly . 20 miles is fine

I never feel like I can have a ‘day off’ from visiting, and she’ll be fine and looked after. I’m always flagging up basic things that they miss. Oh, you shouldn’t be feeling that! My Dad’s health improved noticeably when he went into the nursing home. I t was clear that they were able to look after him far better than I was.

He now thinks he’s in a hospice.

I suppose another sign is the signing in book. You have to say who you are, who you’re visiting, can you get yourself out in an emergency, time in and time out. There’s no column for Room no. I just say I’m visiting Frank, above me someone will be visiting Alice. All the staff know everyone.

He was there all through Covid lockdowns. I had the distress of worrying about whether he was worried or lonely, but no worries about physical health.

@Cherrysherbet the first few weeks I went in almost every day at different times, I think just to satisfy myself that my mum was being well looked after.

When you find the right place you won't feel like you 'need' to be there every day as you'll know your mum is cared for and happy. Its honestly disgraceful that your mum's home hadn't noticed deafness or constipation. At my mum's home they're very open about sharing care plans and daily care records, they also have the local GP come in once a week to check everyone over.

I really hope you can find your mum a good home, it must be very distressing for you to have this constant worry.

So sorry you’re going through this. It must be heartbreaking to see your lovely mum not receiving the full care she needs and being treated disrespectfully. You’ve already raised a concern with the useless lazy arsed manager to no avail. It’s time now to escalate it further up the chain of command. Also it’s possible to raise your concerns with the Care Commission and they will investigate while letting you remain anonymous. They are likely to do an unannounced inspection.

I hope the situation improves for your mum 💐

Op there are charities that organise frequent visitors to old folks homes to keep them company. Usually it’s only one to two visits a week but it would be extra company for your mum and take pressure off you and generally it’s the same person so there is continuity! Might be worth contacting one to see can one be organised. I used to do it myself before I had my babies and had to give it up. But I grew very close to an elderly lady with dementia, she lasted three years after I started the visits and I know they benefited her(and me! ) greatly. Aside from chats I had basic training in activities to do with her so it just meant she had entertainment and company for the few hours each week. Because it was a charity there was no charge either!

You really don't need to visit her every day. Your needs have to take priority, so once a week is surely sufficient.

My mum is in a dementia care home. There are several residents who can't walk but they're up and dressed and downstairs for the day every day, involved in activities and the staff chat with them all frequently. The home itself looks a bit shabby to be honest, no particularly special facilities but the staff are amazing and all permanent staff who have mostly been there a long time.

I knew the first time I spoke to the manager on the phone that it would be the right place for my mum, I tried to make an appointment to visit and they said to just pop down any time - to me that shows they look after people constantly and don't need to 'prepare' for visits.

Its the most friendly and loving place, all residents are treated with dignity, there are usually around 5 staff on duty at any time for 22 residents. They have activities that families can join in with too (coronation barbeque for example) which is lovely.

The home is a local authority rate home, no top up fees - I really don't know how they staff it so well for what they charge when I compare it to other homes I've seen.

I really recommend you have a look at other homes, my mum is 20 miles from me, I pop in 2-3 times a week but I feel confident that she's well looked after in the meantime.

but I could move her to somewhere far away, and it could be even worse? This place has a good rating from CQC, and the inspection report paints this as an amazing home. How do I make that choice? Take your time, ask questions, eg about staff turnover, look at the excellent lists of questions on-line, go and visit, listen to how staff talk, how happy staff are, find out whether the manager is on the scene day by day, even ask on facebook for recommendations.

Dad’s nursing home that I described above I think has Council funded residents (I’ve never been asked for proof of availability of funds) and is at the cheaper end. Often higher fees buy you better looking facilities, with restaurants, hairdressers etc that your Mum will never use. Cheaper is not necessarily worse.

Unfortunately this is the bite of a total lack of investment in social care, not being able to recruit and retain staff and a culture of money over people.

I've worked in several care homes and yes, sometimes we've literally just had time to give a bit of basic care to everyone because otherwise some people don't get any care at all. And lack of resources, lack of equipment and broken equipment were the norm. And yes, you can report until your voice and pen gives out - no one listens. It's why I no longer work in social care, there was for the most part, no time to give actual care.

I've never, ever not used someone's name to them or their relatives in favour of a room number though - except in circumstances where other people are present (usually residents) and it's to protect identify and dignity and it's what really you're supposed to do, and at handover where we need to be on hand for residents but also sharing information.

Eg "I need help in room 5 please"
"The Dr is here to see the lady in room 21"
"Room 16 had an unsettled night, family is visiting this afternoon"
You can't always ensure that there's no one around to overhear short pieces of information passed like that in a care home setting, but just not knowing someone's name (or making an effort and asking f you don't, are new etc, isn't on).

The home manager will be dodging your questions probably because they don't have any suitable answers. They know the chair is broken, they also know that they don't have anyone for maintenance and will be trying to avoid paying someone external to fix it. They know they haven't got anyone for activities and that the care staff haven't got time - and if they don't they need to get their arse out of the office and onto the floor and actually manage. But I've seen homes and management like this more than I care to remember.

Lodge a complaint with the CQC and local authority, especially about the chair - does your mum have a social worker? If she does talk to them. Unfortunately in order to get anywhere you're going to have to be 'that' daughter and make a fuss. And yes, look into the other care home, it might be 20 miles away but if it's better then your mum is happier and therefore you are too.

If you're not getting any satisfactory communication with the home manager - take it to the next level. If it's a company with several homes, there'll be another level of management - go there, go there today.

You email / write being as un-emotional as possible - broken chair for months, meaning your DM is restricted to bed only, no activities staff, the fact the home manager has not been updating you on how these issues are being progressed. You also ask for your complaint to be dealt with as a matter of urgency as the situation has been on-going for some time. You ask for time scales to rectify both - you expect the chair to be repaired within one week, and even though the home can't replace a member of staff within a week - they should have a timescale to recruiting.

That sounds like an awful nursing home - it must be so upsetting for you, as well as for her. My dad was in a nursing home for nine years and the staff were wonderful - they'd all chat to him, tell him about their families and where they were from, talk about the news with him, they took him to play the piano, and he even taught some of them Welsh. He wasn't one for activities, but they made sure he wasn't isolated, even when he was very poorly. It wasn't a particularly up-market home, but the carers and other staff were all really committed to knowing each patient as an individual. It's so difficult when you have limited options locally though. Do you have many photos in your mum's room? Maybe if they could see more of the person she was when she was younger, they would make more effort to get to know her. When my dad was in ITU, I put photos of him with his family next to his bed even though he was unconscious and several of the staff thanked me.

Are there befriending schemes in your area? We had a lovely lady who went to see my dad once a week - she was from a charity called Age Connects (which I think is local to us, but there are probably others), and it did my dad the world of good to see someone other than boring old me. She

I used to drive 30m (60m round trip) 2x weekly to visit my DM in her care home (not a nursing home).

Unless your DM has issues that you have not described, there were many residents there with similar dementia, mobility and continence needs who were always up, dressed and in the sitting room, dining room or garden, being fed and entertained by staff who knew their names, needs and preferences.

There are better care homes out there.

I’ll say from the outset I’m not a fan of care homes, having had plenty of experience of them. I do know, though, and have seen, that there are some brilliant care home staff (some not so good) doing their best with their fleeting interactions with residents and the time constraints on them, but for the most part there isn’t enough recognition that elderly people, with or without dementia, need more than 3 meals a day and keeping clean. They’re not all peacefully sinking into a comfortable ‘old age’ bubble. They are individuals, some of whom are really distressed, and will need the input that only extra staff (£££, so won’t happen) can provide, rather than the ‘jollying along’ or, at worst being ignored.

As a pp said, I don’t know if you are in a position to pay privately for someone to go in to the home as a kind of companion to your mum several times a week, to give you a break? I know that happens with some residents in the care home I now visit as a volunteer.

I would also agree that a care home even 20 miles away might be a better option than the current one. Referring to residents by room number is a rather large red flag, among several. Have never come across that before in any of the homes I have had any contact with over the years.

I really sympathise, and hope you find a way forward which is better for both of you.

I really think that you need to move her or pay for someone to come and sit with her and do activities. It sounds horrific.

Audio books?

Could she use an Alexa? Sounds far fetched but they can be great for people living with dementia. This obviously depends hugely on the individual.

Could she understand the idea of a lady called Alexa who is on an intercom/radio/telephone/insert familiar device from her past who will play music if she asks?

I've seen this done in a carehome and it can work for some people.

Not suitable for everyone obviously.