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Elderly parents
Original poster

Downsizing

38 replies

Howtotalksoyourparentslisten · 11/05/2023 16:15

My parents are mid 70’s and until now have lived several hundred miles away. They’re talking about moving closer to us, but are insistent that they need a house the same size as they currently have (massive 5 bed with 1/3 acre garden). In theory this is a great idea - we get to see them more, they see their grandchildren, and there are lots of social groups etc for people of their age where we live so they should relatively easily find friends (although Dad is very antisocial, but my Mum is a keen knitter and so will find a group etc.)
There are just 2 issues - firstly they want to buy a house VERY close to us. We live on a new build estate that is not yet finished. The final part of the estate are really big houses and they want one of these. They’d be less than 100m from us which I don’t really want - we’ve got a lovely group of friends here and are really settled and I don’t want them parachuting into that. I realise that sounds really horrible. There are no shortage of houses where we live that would be suitable for them - even if they do buy one that is as big as they currently have - and money is not an issue, we live in a much cheaper part of the country than they are moving from, so they could easily find somewhere a tiny bit further away but they want that particular new build. It’s not to be near us - they are not bothered about that at all - they just want a new big house and they like this one.

Secondly they are buying in my opinion something that is far far too big. Dad has cancer and there is a reasonable chance he will either be dead or very very frail in 5 years, so buying a massive house and garden just seems crazy, and I am all too aware that I will be the one picking up the pieces in years to come if they can’t manage. Making a smarter choice now would reduce the chance of it all getting too much.

I’ve tried talking to them about it but they just got really angry - they want what they want and won’t see our side. Any advice??

OP posts:
Original poster
Howtotalksoyourparentslisten · 13/05/2023 22:14

I think picking my battles is the way forward but I don’t think they’re going to listen. Psychologically I don’t think they’re ready to actually downsize so won’t move unless they can have the massive house they’re used to and bring all their stuff (so much stuff!). Public transport links from our estate are great, so no worries on that front but equally can’t use it as a reason to move further away from us. We live in a small city so amenities are all very close. Ive tried the Rightmove thing - there are so many houses that are the size and price that they want despite it being ridiculous, all beautifully done out, mature gardens etc. They’re not interested in them though - they want a new house. I have actually told them we don’t want them that close. They’re annoyed and acting like a toddler who has been told they can’t have more sweets - they want THAT house and they don’t care what we think which upsets me - we get on well but are not a really close family and we’ve rubbed along quite well living hundreds of miles apart until now - everyone needs space!!! And the PP who asked how I’d feel if my kids said this, as much as I adore my children I would want space actually. Same town - great. Same street - too close.

OP posts:
FatAgain · 13/05/2023 22:00

My dad insisted on a three storey townhouse which meant that when he had a stroke and became wheelchair bound……. He ended up in a home. Being cared for at home wasn’t an option. Point this out. They’re being really foolish.

YukoandHiro · 13/05/2023 21:59

I've tried this discussion with parents too and got nowhere.
The evidence shows that if you don't downsize when you're still healthy then usually a move is forced by a health crisis. Can you help them understand that a 5 bed house will not be their forever home and presumably that's what they're trying to buy.

AHugeTinyMistake · 13/05/2023 21:57

PP are right - it's not the size of the house that would worry me particularly, it's access to shops, doctors, the hospital. Is there good public transport? Can you walk to amenities from the estate? If they are going to be reliant on a car THAT is something I would kick up a fuss about - because otherwise you are going to be designated taxi drivers

jimmymcg · 13/05/2023 21:41

Do both your parents drive? Are you located on good public transport routes, there might be other suitable properties that have better transport links. I would be trawling Rightmove to find a suitable property a little further from you, but with other benefits like doctors and o other amenities nearby.

Mum5net · 13/05/2023 21:32

Ok in principle, but how do you say to parents “I don’t want you living closer than a mile away”? How would you feel if your DC were to say that to you?

Genuinely, I would have no issue saying this or my DC saying it to me. DParents gave us the run around and moved home at 74 over an hour away to somewhere with no public transport when they had already started failing spectacularly health wise.

OP, I’d be brutally hones, but deliver your observations in a cheerful and humorous tone that a mile away is great but 100 metres is just too close. Good to have your family nearby and all that but not quite within sneezing distance…

RoseThornside · 13/05/2023 21:19

I think you need to say that you are worried about how you will cope with a house that size when they start to need help. See what they say - hopefully they'll say they will pay for help rather than relying on you.

But I can see that it's really difficult to say that you don't want them moving so close. I don't have any suggestions for you on that front I'm afraid. But if they do move there, you will need to have very robust personal boundaries.

MereDintofPandiculation · 13/05/2023 21:06

Mum5net · 13/05/2023 16:16

OP, pick your battles.
Don't oppose them buying a HUGE unsuitable house.
Just dig your heels in about it being 100 metres away.

Ok in principle, but how do you say to parents “I don’t want you living closer than a mile away”? How would you feel if your DC were to say that to you?

Mum5net · 13/05/2023 16:16

OP, pick your battles.
Don't oppose them buying a HUGE unsuitable house.
Just dig your heels in about it being 100 metres away.

thedevilinablackdress · 12/05/2023 22:26

I feel for you OP. I've been having an ongoing discussion with one of my DP about their current and future housing needs and arrangements, and I eventually had to step back from it as we just did not agree at all, and I have to accept that it's their choice. Very difficult on the part where yours want to move in practically next door tho!

SheilaFentiman · 12/05/2023 22:14

I’m not 100% sure Huf Houses still pass building standard.

OP, directing them towards a large house with space for a bedroom and wet room downstairs is probably your best bet. Maybe get the work done before they move in/specified in the build. Then they can live there for longer.they can always get a cleaner and gardener

Original poster
Howtotalksoyourparentslisten · 12/05/2023 22:08

Thankyou - they’re not interested in building their own house sadly, and absolutely will not consider a bungalow. I fully expect that they’re going to just ignore our wishes, buy the house they want and we’ll just have to live with it.

OP posts:
Mosaic123 · 12/05/2023 00:38

I guess a big house would allow them to have a downstairs bedroom and bathroom installed and live downstairs if necessary.

Can I suggest thought, that you plant the idea of a luxurious bungalow into their heads instead?

Oh, unfortunately this might not be quite so close to ul your house.

Could it even be built to order for them? For example there's a German company called Huf Haus that builds houses to order but they are pretty much done when they arrive. They send fitters over to the UK . That's an old Grand Designs TV programme where an older couple uses them. About 20 years ago I think. Other kit type houses are available

You did say money was not a problem and they could enjoy getting the perfect house built for then.

Something to think about.

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