Downsizing

I suppose it depends just how blunt you want to be. You could tell them that you are only going to be available to help them with the move, settling in etc to a certain specified level, and that you will not be able to help with gardening, house maintenance , transport again beyond a specified level. It’s bloody hard though, because they will probably not observe the limits and there will be a lot of judgemental nonsense from other people who do not have these responsibilities

I must admit that I actually suggested to my parents (only child) that they moved from four hours away to much nearer, and they did it while they were still active enough to settle in. That worked pretty well ( better than before, anyway).

the only thing I can suggest is that you talk separately to your mother about finding a more suitable house at a more suitable distance, because it sounds as if she is a more reasonable that DF. If she said ‘DD has found this lovely house ….. let’s go and see it’ would that work? Especially as it sounds as if it is going to be her house for longer, and downsizing twice…..😟

I hope you can find a solution

I certainly don't feel I would ever want to move but never say never.... there are 90 year olds near me in their family houses and for many it is also about wanting big distances from neighbours, gardening hobbies that are their main activity even into their 80s, wanting space for children to stay which is very common around here - almost every old person regularly has sometimes for months at a time an adult child on a visit from abroad etc and I will be working hopefully into my 80s and need lots of space for my work too.

The fact my parents could afford to die in their house of 50 years with all their familiar things etc around them and I suppose also the status of a nice detached house is a good example with my father working until he was 77 (died at 79).

Also it is that person's life and their decisions. One of my children's great grandmothers died at about 92 in her own house in Yorkshire, heart attack, fell down cellar steps, wonderful way to die in some ways. The other one on that side went a bit demented and was in a care home where we visited her which was perfectly nice but not somewhere most of us would like to be - same with her daughter in due course

@MereDintofPandiculation Add to that the messages that as a pensioner you're a leech on the state, a burden on the NHS and in a charming phrase I've seen on here, 'living too long,' and it's not wonder some people rage against the dying of the light and put off acknowledging it's happening for as long as possible.

It seems to me that there’s a universal level of denial and lack of self awareness going on as we age, along with an overestimation of our abilities. Maybe it’s how we cope with getting old? Getting old is a steady process of shedding everything that is important to us, makes us who we are. It doesn’t seem like a golden future moving into a 1 bed sheltered accommodation flat when you’re used to gardening, doing other hobbies which require space. Being free to go out to coffee shops is no substitution.

Added to that your status declines from valued member of the community, perhaps active in voluntary work, to “old person”, seen as a burden and nuisance from all levels, from fumbling with your change at checkouts upwards. Who wants to embrace that earlier than they need to?

They probably don’t want 5 bedrooms. They want one or maybe two bedrooms for themselves, a spare, a room for her to do her hobbies, a room to do his hobbies, maybe a study each. They want space for their furniture. And they want the size of living room that comes with a 5 bed house

Can you just step back from the discussions? Are they likely to do the move if you don’t get involved? Buying a house at that age after having not done the process for a while, packing up, emptying lofts and garages is a huge and daunting task. If they don’t do it now hopefully those houses will sell and in a few years maybe they will realise that they can’t cope with a huge property and will agree to go into something more suitable.

Often it's not the number of bedrooms people want but the size of the living spaces. Houses with 2 or 3 bedrooms usually come with smaller living rooms/kitchens and if you are used to larger spaces that can be tough to accept.

When my mum was the age I am now, I remember her complaining a lot about my grandma and her refusal to downsize until it was nearly too late. fast forward 30 years and here we are in exactly the same situation, with mum still in the family house and refusing to move somewhere more suitable. MiL similar.

It seems to me that there’s a universal level of denial and lack of self awareness going on as we age, along with an overestimation of our abilities. Maybe it’s how we cope with getting old? I’m afraid I have no advice on how to dissuade your parents OP. I bet even if you set boundaries now you’d have to have a heart of stone to see them struggle in years to come. The only approach I could see working is if they had similar problems with their parents and a hard conversation reminding them of this could get through to them?

(i did have a friend whose parents downsized and moved across the country to live in the same small village as my friends “to be near their grandchildren” when they retired. My friend promptly moved themselves 60 miles away, having already warned their parents that they weren’t intending in living in that area forever due to job/careers development etc.)

Wanting 5 bedrooms seems like madness when it's just the 2 of them.

My parents are now early 80s both with severely declining health. They have stubbornly refused to sell (until now) despite DF being diagnosed with an illness at 75 which would eventually mean permanent oxygen. Huge old house with land that they can’t cope with. Struggle to get people (paid) to help. They are now trying to sell but it’s too exhausting for them. They just couldn’t see at 75 that they would get frail and old. I couldn’t persuade them back then, was told not to tell them how to run their life. If your parents insist on a large house, steer them towards something that can be adapted. Stairlifts, downstairs bathroom and possible bedrooms. Also with good bus links to town and amenities for when they can’t drive. Simple garden that’s easy to maintain.

Oh dear, this happened with our elderly neighbours - they moved in a few years ago from about 100 miles away to be close to their daughter in the next road (no idea if she was asked what she thought!).

They're most aggrieved the daughter has moved her family away now and is no longer available for lifts to the hospital etc, although she still seems to manage to pop in a few times a week.

Could you have an honest conversation about expectations? You can't stop them moving but are they aware you're not available everyday for shopping/lifts/socialising because of xyz? Would the house be adaptable ie downstairs toilet, enough space for an accessible wet room, somewhere to have a downstairs bedroom once they can't manage the stairs?

Might be better if they just stayed where they are. My parents lived in their house for 50 years and died (literally in each case) in their home. I hope I can do so too.

Dig their heels in how? The parents don't need the OPs permission do they.

I can understand how you feel. You don't want your parents living so close to you. Then buying a big house with a big garden at this stage is not practical either. You don't want to be that close to them because you know they will expect you to come around to do things and be their taxi service.

One of my friends has a parent living in a big family home with garden a few miles from the nearest town. A few years ago my friend had to listen to the same parent complaining about the work the house needed and the garden. They suggested to the parent that they could sell this house and buy something smaller in the town. The parent was not to happy with their suggestion.
So now a few years later the home improvements have taken place. It getting hard to manage the garden so they have to find people and pay for help with this. Meanwhile the parent is slowing down and has some memory loss. It also possible that the parent may lose their driving licence due to sight issues in time. Their is a local bus service so my friend is trying to get the parent to use this now. My friend is doing this so the parent can have some independence if they are unable to drive later.
My friend said that it not easy and they can see the problems that may come later.

In your case I would ask your parents why do the need a 5 bed house and a big garden? Ask them who do the garden when they are not able? Show them other house that are more suitable on right move in your local area. Tell them that you want them to be able to live in their new home for as long as possible so you should all look at houses together.
A downstairs bedroom and a wet room are important at this stage. A place without a load of steps or as flat an area as possible around the house also. Tell them a new build estate could have a lot of young families and noise which they may not like.

I look for a 3 bed as it gives them an option of having a room each and they can have someone stay overnight down the line if they get to the stage of needing care.

Why not tell them you are thinking of moving yourself?

Fine. I’d actually be asking them first if it would cause any issues and be very hesitant

You can’t stop them and it sounds like they are adamant. It is a bad idea though.

My parents should have/could have downsized twenty years ago but one parent refused. Now they are struggling maintaining the garden and with no downstairs loo. There is too much stuff for them to face doing it now.

All you can hope is that they don’t sell theirs in time to get the new build! The market is funny at the moment, in my area anyway, and houses are sticking.

I'm thinking this about my parents imminent move 200 miles away. We've had to agree to disagree. They'll be fine but I'm really worried about their cat in all this.

I’d be delighted if my (75+) parents wanted to move to my street. It would cut out hours and hours of commuting down the motorway to see them. My DM, in particular, stopped driving anywhere other than very locally during the pandemic and hasn’t got back into it so won’t drive 80 odd miles to me anymore. We’d see more of them day to day and in a much more ‘organic’ way, if that makes sense, rather than trying to cram everything into a bi-weekly visit.
I’d also back them buying whatever house they wanted. Their money, their choice, their lives. The only caveats would be that they buy something that makes them happy, somewhere that could be adapted ( downstairs bed & bath) if it became necessary and somewhere they could buy and maintain without going into debt.
If they didn’t love where they live I’d be on RightMove in a heartbeat. Actually, maybe WE should be the ones moving into their road! 🤔☺️

I totally understand that parents can do what they like, we can't dictate etc., but oh my god it's frustrating when they do huge things that just aren't logical! My parents sold their large house with annexe and beautiful garden and bought tiny a two-bedroom . . . it made total sense to downsize, but the house they bought is awful - one of the bedrooms looks out onto the neighbours roof so it's basically a wall of orange roof tiles (you can't even see sky!) and both bedrooms are really small - no room for wardrobes and drawers etc. The garden is tiny with artificial grass, and it's miles to walk into town. Plus, it's not a bungalow, so as a retirement house it's not going to work. The cherry on top is that they spent an absolute fortune doing it up to their (non-mainstream!) taste - and instead of having a pot of money to travel and enjoy their retirement, they've spent every penny of what they sold their house for on this small bungalow - and obviously if they do decide to sell, they'll get nowhere near what they've spent on it.

So, as a daughter, I've had to stand by and watch because my gentle concern-raising did not go down well! It's so, so frustrating but at the end of the day, their lives, their money!

Poor you, I can absolutely understand how you feel. Very tone deaf of your parents not to realise that this move will prove very claustrophobic for you.

Once you're in your mid 70's issues that most forward thinking people would anticipate can happen and completely change things. Hopefully as they're obviously ok financially, then they'll be able to pay for help.

It's not about me, but I can tell you how we dealt with our move/downshift. Our daughter was keen for us to move nearer to them and it coincided with us realising our huge garden would be too much as we got older. So we set the ball rolling in our mid 60's. Instinctively we didn't want to live too near them - they were living on a big new estate on the outskirts of a city, perfect for them, but not for us - after having our country way of life. So compromise was the name of the game, found a modern detached house with a small garden about half an hour away - it was in a village, but has good bus links to the city, doctors, village shop, pub and is on a main road so easy to get out in the winter weather. We've been here happily for over three years now - it's worked well. We see them mainly when we pick up our grandson who we have twice a week and are in constant text contact. But we have our own lives too. We have loads of interests ourselves - volunteering, gardening and other stuff. I like to think we have all enriched each other's lives - we have had the joy of looking after our grandson and can help out when there's an emergency event when he sleeps over (he has his own room here). My daughter has the security of having back-up - they have such busy lives - both hybrid working - and our grandson will start school in September. We'll still help out some holidays.

A by-product was that we also ended up with some equity, which we have offered to our daughter for a move when they want, as we would like to see it re-invested into property.

I think maybe you should have another conversation with them and tell them honestly how you feel. A five bedroom house seems too much at their age. And that's without the fact of being too close to you. I sympathise with you - you're going from one extreme to another - a mid-way compromise would be good. Unfortunately your parents don't sound particularly emotionally intelligent.

It’s their choice, full stop. Big house - when the time comes they can pay for help, sounds as if they will have the money. Right on your doorstep - I get that this could be a nightmare so you’ll have to set boundaries from the get go.

In all honesty, having them next door will probably be easier long term than having them hundreds of miles away (been there).

In that case, make sure they future-proof it. Make sure at least one entrance is free of steps, there’s a big wetroom downstairs, that they could put in a stairlift.

It all seems so clear in your 50s and 60s. It may not seem so clear when you’re in your 70s with an active life and lots of associated “stuff”.

Nothing you can do except let them get on with it. You've said your piece but ultimately you have no control over their decision, no matter how ill-considered it might be.

Watching my parents doing this exact same thing was like watching babies playing with razorblades. The stress of moving was so bad I could have sold ringside seats to the fights that broke out.