Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Elderly parents
Original poster

FIL, care and how often DH should go

34 replies

4899f · 11/05/2023 14:50

New to elderly parents but would love to get other people's perspective on our current set up. PIL both elderly - FIL bedbound and MIL (who used to be his carer) is now sick herself and has been moved into a hospital (probably indefinitely).

Current set up is that BIL lives with FIL and sort of carers for him though they do have lots of carers coming everyday. This has been the situation for a year with BIL not really wanting to become a carer but no other choice once MIL left. DH currently goes for one/two days per week to give his brother a break and most bank holiday weekends etc. It's two hours away and we have young kids at home so am left with managing that side of things.

It's been a year since FIL has become bed ridden and we seem to have reached a status quo with BIL upset and unhappy to be a carer but feeling stuck. DH feeling responsible for going over every week but doing it mainly for his brother rather than his dad. Until now I have supported DH going over there but am beginning to feel like BIL either needs to get more care in so he feels more able to leave the house and sort of have a life - or try and convince his dad to go into a home. How do other people manage in similar circumstances?

OP posts:
Original poster
4899f · 11/05/2023 15:20

@DustyLee123 social services have done an assessment. They don't qualify for continuing care and since they have money - the family pays for carers themselves i.e. social services washed their hands of it

OP posts:
Original poster
4899f · 11/05/2023 15:19

@purplecorkheart in a way because BIL/FIL are resistant to more support. They have carers coming four times a day but BIL still doesnt feel comfortable to leave the house. He also doesnt want his dad to go into a care home - not that he can seeing as FIL is refusing to go. So it's not about BIL sorting out the paperwork but more deciding on what he needs. He lives there unlike us. At the moment, it seems like everyone is in limbo hoping the situation will somehow sort itself out which it wont.

OP posts:
JussathoB · 11/05/2023 15:17

thedogisstaring · 11/05/2023 14:56

Well it's easy to say get in more carers but by the sound of it BIL needs more support than a few hours a week, can FIL financially afford to have a full time carer come in for a full day and maybe a night a week?

Is FIL open to the fact that the time has come for him to go into a care home?

A big one but could you and DH move closer?

Tbh I real don’t think it’s reasonable for OP and her DH and young children to move house in order to look after bedridden elderly relative.

purplecorkheart · 11/05/2023 15:14

Your poor BIL why does it fall on him arrange more care (which is way more easily said than done) or arrange for his Dad to go to a Care Home. It is equally your dh responsibility to do the same.

DustyLee123 · 11/05/2023 15:14

I’d ask social services to do an assessment.

Original poster
4899f · 11/05/2023 15:12

So it's definitely not fair on BIL and my initial suggestion was that he moves in with us - FIL realises he needs more care and moves into a home. However, FIL is not always competent to make decisions so no idea whether he could do something like realising that he needs to move into a home. He doesn't care that BIL is struggling and about to collapse. Legally FIL still deemed competent but is anything but.

BIL is the one who doesnt want FIL (or rather respects FIL's wishes) not to go into a home. DH and I both thing it's more than time for that to happen already. I also offered to move closer but because we all live in the same city - if we move closer to FIL then DH will be a lot, a lot further away from his work so he's work commute will be 1.5hrs each way. We live in London so currently everyone lives at completely opposite ends of the city and DH works in yet another direction.

It's just so hard to know what the right thing to do is

OP posts:
nurseynursery · 11/05/2023 15:06

This doesn't seem like a very fair situation at all. Poor BIL

Lifesagamethentheytaketheboardaway · 11/05/2023 15:03

Why is it up to BIL to get him to go to a care home? Your husband should be over there helping his brother with those arrangements and helping his father realise that it is time.

thedogisstaring · 11/05/2023 14:56

Well it's easy to say get in more carers but by the sound of it BIL needs more support than a few hours a week, can FIL financially afford to have a full time carer come in for a full day and maybe a night a week?

Is FIL open to the fact that the time has come for him to go into a care home?

A big one but could you and DH move closer?