Desperate situation with MIL (trigger warning-suicide))

You could have been talking about my mum OP.

I had exactly the same when my step dad died. They didn't really have friends, so when he passed away she had no one. They were always drinkers, but my mum would get paralytic on the regular.

Your DH is obviously struggling. There is no way you can have an alcoholic in the house with a child. He knows this deep down but the manipulation from his mum makes him feel so small and guilty. I would agree with others that if you can get DH to engage in therapy that will really help.

Brutally, be glad the problem is in another country, not in your spare bedroom.

Don't delude yourself she's ever going to voluntarily give up drinking (in your house, around your child) . She has refused to address the offered suggestions; so she has to face the consequences.

Huge sympathies OP. i would not have her living in my house. I’m no expert but just a thought. If she didn’t have a drinking problem before her husband’s death is she really an alcoholic? Is it not more a side effect of the depression? And more easily treatable?

The problem is that if she did come to live with you and you couldn't cope, how could you tell her she had to leave? It's far easier if she doesn't come in the first place. Surely your husband can see that?

The bereavement is still a factor for your DH and MIL, losing a parent and a spouse after long marriage. The second year is often experienced as the worst. But heavy alcohol use just complicates everything and creates its own problems. This is so difficult.

Did she drink heavily before? There’s some hope, maybe, if she didn’t - many people have started drinking problematically since covid, or a bereavement during that time

I am with devonshiregirl.

I would be spending the spare money on therapy for your DH.

When my FIL died i could only get DH into therapy by saying my work were paying for it 🙄

Best moeny ever spent. He know can see all the family dysfunction and has stop all the victim which "side" do i pick nonsense with his mother.

Under no circumstances is she to live with you.

For your own wellbeing, such close engagement with an alcoholic will drain all that you gained in your recovery as a child of an alcoholic.

Your DH is now squaring up to the reality of an alcoholic parent as he also grieves for the loss of his father, the realisation that his mother may have been drinking heavily already & the practical frustrations of caring at a considerable distance. Encourage him to seek his own support locally with Al-Anon family groups, & arrange distant support for his mother.

Although this situation is a challenge to your relationship, you may have compassion for DH as he struggles & give him the space to come to terms with this.

All the same, stand your ground.
You have wisdom, experience & common sense on your side.

This is emotional blackmail and you really need to disengage completely and prioritise yourself and your DC and let your DH follow his own path. Encourage him to put in place boundaries with his mother and, if he is open to it, to have some therapy/support from elsewhere to cope with his guilt etc. Be very clear with your boundaries with DH too. Don't allow him to blame you.

I wouldn't have her anywhere near your family frankly as it will end in disaster. Arms length support when she is ready to accept it is all you should offer.

I say this as someone who had a similar experience with a very difficult and manipulative FIL (complete with DH regression etc.). I effectively absented myself from the (dysfunctional) relationship, my DH did have some therapy (which helped hugely), and I helped put in place a huge amount of support from afar, especially at the (very difficult) end of FIL's life.

Your primary responsibility as parents is to your actual dependent - DS. Not a grown woman who makes poor life choices.

Going forward I would just state what's best for DS - and that's not MIL living with you.

I really feel for you OP (and your DH). Your MIL is being highly manipulative. You need to be very clear about your boundaries and you are right not to let her come and live with you, esp with a young child in your house.

Your DH must be in turmoil and incredibly stressed, but you need to hold your boundary in the face of this. It may mean your marriage ends. Your DH will soon wise up if he finds himself living with his mother full time, whilst you and your child are living in peace elsewhere. That said, I think your DH deserves compassion because she is abusing him and messing with his head. However, someone ( ie. You) must step up and be the adult in the room. Do not get dragged into their dysfunctional family dynamics. I'd guess that the late FIL kept a lid on her behaviour and now she's on her own, she's unleashed. Take a boundaried approach to her.

Most important thing - Put yourself and your child first.

Even if she stopped drinking today and never took another drop the answer would still be "no, you're not living with us". It's not your job to turn her life around and make her happy, only she can do that. You are not responsible for her actions or her life choices. Is her ideal living situation never leaving your house? No friends or activities, just you all the time? She's 68, only a year into retirement and it's a different commitment to if she was 88.

Out of the alternatives on the table I would have thought that a small flat locally would have the most going for it. If there is housing for over 60s locally that might work too as often there is a social element built in.

You've given her some real choices, she won't consider any of them if she thinks there's any chance of holding out and getting her own way. If the neighbours call and say she's dead, well they do. Life is formed by the choices we make and this is the life that MIL has chosen. (yes, she didn't choose to be widowed but after that her new life is as she made it)

It sounds like your most immediate problem is actually your DH's state of mind and the effect this is having on your relationship. Would he consider having therapy to deal with his feelings around this whole situation, to help himself but also reduce the burden on you?

@LadyGardenersQuestionTime is quite correct.

Once someone says "Do as I say or I will kill myself" it's game over. You can't trust them, and you certainly can't give them any power. By saying that MIL has shown you that you must not let her into your home.

Know the limits of your responsibility. Stop engaging and trying to fix this. That's what your DH is doing, and it's probably the best defence mechanism. You do not want an emotionally abusive alcoholic landing on you to leech the life out of you. Just say no. It's the right thing for your child.

I was thinking what @Devonshiregal has written. I think that sums up
a difficult situation. I’d try to get your DH to have some counselling. If he doesn’t have your back, start looking at strategies that are best for you and your toddler. I send you hugs.

Sorry to hear this OP. Is there another option of your MIL getting some kind of help, then buying a place and your DH living with her. You've presented many options, so not sure what else you can do. MIL will wreck yoir massage anyway and DH shouldn't want DC to be exposed to that, so that's why I'm thinking that makes MIL 'happy' and DH not feeling guilty. Chances are he'll get sick of that arrangement. I've had alcoholics in the family, they can only change if they want to change and it sounds like MIL doesn't want to. It won't feel like it now, but it's a silver lining that DH cares about his mum as there are plenty out there who wouldn't. Maybe ask him what options he thinks are feasible saying that the living with you as a family and been tried and proven not to work. If you can get a friend or family who is impartial to mediate. I hope something works out for you

I think DH should tell mum that she cant live with you, what she is doing is further damaging her relationship with you all and when she is ready to engage you are there to support her by helping her access rehab, professional help etc.

Your DH cant fix this and he needs to be careful to look after her own mental health. He must be grieving too. Hopefully you and DH will gel together over this and it will help.

By sorry for you I mean protective of you. Just to clarify my cynicism

Your DH is the problem. I can also almost guarantee that if your MIL were to die, he will be blaming you. Maybe not logically, but there will be accusations in moments of anger.

if you want your marriage to survive you’re going to have to play the long game and allow yourself to be small/victim in his eyes. Don’t try to fix it, make him feel sorry for you so he’s on your side not hers. Sounds cynical but it’s true…because he is making there be sides. He is not taking a stand against his mother and saying WE believe this is the way it has to be. My wife and I have discussed and… nonono. He’s letting you be the bad guy so he doesn’t have to.

There no point in trying to reason with him either. Adult conversation won’t work because he’s already acting like a coward. If you don’t think you can manipulate him into being on your side, alternative choice is to LTB.

ps wherever her actions take her, it definitely won’t be your fault.

The ball in her court now, she’s on her own downward spiral and if she comes to live with you she’ll take you down with her, you and your husband.
Be firm that she isn’t coming to live with you, she can buy a flat nearby but she’s not moving in.
Neither of you can ‘fix’ this, it’s up to her, she can accept the offer of rehab or not but it’s her choice and if she chooses not to then she accepts the consequences.

stand your ground, dont agree to take her in, this would be a disaster. YOu have made some very generous offers already, if she chooses not to accept any of them, that is not your fault

Do not under any circumstances allow her to move in with you and do not feel any guilt if and when she drinks herself to death. Sounds like you have bent over backwards trying to help and accommodate her. In the nicest possible way leave her to it.

OP obviously I can't predict the future
My guess is that if you allow her to live with you, there'll be more upset.

I have a brief experience worth mentioning. A neighbour, similar age, lost her DH two years ago. I didn't know her much but offered help. I helped with some paperwork and was originally okay to go to the pub with her. That stopped because she drank heavily and talked about her DH non stop. Her other friends had issues with it too.

Her DD is not far but limits visits to once a week since her father died, as understandably, she can't cope with her mum.

There has now been an incident with my neighbour being hospitalised, I think she's got severe intestinal damage from the alcohol - this is about two years of heavy drinking. Her poor DD is now feeling in a bind - her mum promises she'll drink less if her DD is around more!

We are a friendly building but we all distance ourselves from this lady now, and we feel so sorry for her DD.

I think the point I'm making is, having her near is no guarantee she'll stop drinking or even reduce it, so potentially your family life will be spoiled.

I would step back. If something happens, you and your DH are not to blame.

She wants to either move in with DH, DS and I permanently, or she says she will drink herself to death.

She is not elderly, she is only 1 year older than retirement age in the UK. This statement is pure emotional blackmail. Of course you have compassion for her grief, but that shouldn't extend to sacrificing your own sanity and your marriage for someone who can be difficult and controlling. You have offered her some generous options - if she refuses them then she's an adult, you have to let her make her own unwise decisions.

No way I'd have an alcoholic in my home with a toddler. Absolutely not a chance. What if she drunkenly leaves the front door open? Or goes to make chips and sets fire to the kitchen? I don't believe for a minute she won't drink once she's in your home. Your husband is caught between a rock and a hard place but you need to protect your child as you know the damage this could do after your experience. I honestly think your marriage is in real trouble whichever way this pans out, but you have offered realistic options, your husband will hopefully see that given a bit of space and you could weather this storm, but your marriage won't survive her living with you