Page 2 | Desperate situation with MIL (trigger warning-suicide))

Olinguita · 2023-04-30T21:46:04+00:00

My MIL has gone into a downward spiral since FIL passed away two years ago. She lives alone and basically can't cope with the loneliness. She is 68 and is able bodied. Over the past year, she has started drinking heavily and calling up my DH saying she wants to die and that we have abandoned her. She lives in another country but is also a British citizen so technically she can come to the UK easily to visit and can also live here. We have hosted her for two stretches of 2 months, on one occasion in our two bed flat right after my DS was born. we didn't really have room and she was not an easy house guest but it was the right thing to do, and family is family, so I stuck it out. DH has also been over to visit her a few times. She refuses counselling or any kind of psychiatric help. She has few friends as she had a very happy but ultimately very codependent relationship with late FIL. She has no interest in making friends or taking up other activities. She has also alienated a number of friends and relatives, I think because of erratic and drunken behaviour. She wants to either move in with DH, DS and I permanently, or she says she will drink herself to death. She says she drinks because she is lonely, and if she lives with us .... She won't. The problem is, she is a very volatile and demanding character, and while she can be really sweet and generous at times, she has form for controlling behaviour and histrionics. Her presence in my home has really strained my marriage. I know if she were to move in with us on a permanent basis she would lean on us for her every need and would demand constant attention. I work full time and have a toddler (who doesn't sleep). I literally think I will have a breakdown if I have to live with her permanently and even if I did just suck it up, I'm not sure it would be a healthy environment for my son to grow up in. She has assets in the country where she lives that could be sold to purchase a small flat near to DH and I. I have suggested the following options: -She can live with us for two months of the year -She can buy a small property nearby (we can help her) and we will see her multiple times a week and incorporate her in family life, but we will have separate homes. - she attends a rehab in the country where she is now (we have found a beautiful place with a very holistic approach that we can afford - it would be financially out of our reach in the UK but we can fund 3 months of this in her home country) at least that would be a start, and then we can work from there. MIL simply isn't willing to engage in any of these options. She was found wandering the streets outside her home pissed out of her mind several times. Last week a neighbour found her face down on the pavement. I keep telling my DH he needs to get on a plane and just DO something. I am sick with worry, DH is permanently angry and on edge, and the atmosphere in my home is frankly poisonous. Sometimes I feel like I'm the problem. I'm so scared the phone will ring and it will be the neighbours saying she has been found dead. Can anyone offer some words of wisdom or just a hand-held?

Original poster

Olinguita · 09/05/2023 09:58

@Merha @IWantRebeccasConfidence thank you for your comments. I am radically focusing on stepping back now. I've read The Body Keeps the score and I think "Boundaries" by Cloud and Townsend needs to go on my list too.
I guess the reason I wanted to suggest solutions to my husband is so we can work through this as a family, and also to prevent a situation where MIL gets sprung on me (so we have a "plan" rather than a chaotic situation in which my son and I will come off worse, if that makes sense). But now I am reflecting on the possibility that some of this does come from my "caregiving" conditioning and my shockingly high (learned/conditoned) tolerance for other people's bad behaviour.
DH said over the weekend to MIL on the phone within my earshot over the weekend that he was going to be on a plane to see her this week and to pack her bags to go to the rehab. I asked him later on if he was going (because I would need to make some changes to childcare arrangements and my working hours if he was away for a week or so). He snapped at me and said it's none of my business and he doesn't know if he will go or not.
He then said he will bring his mum here. I asked when. He said he doesn't know and refuses to discuss it, and that it's not my business and it doesn't affect me. I said it does affect me. I don't want to push the issue but equally it is difficult to feel like we are on standby all the time.
Now I'm just dialling out of the situation altogether and just focusing on parenting, working and trying to support DH (even though he seems to think I am the devil incarnate some days).

OP posts:

IWantRebeccasConfidence · 09/05/2023 09:41

Seriously stop. You’re giving your dh conflicting messages saying she can’t live with you but he has to travel out and do something. Do nothing. Don’t have her live with you 2 months a year. She can live nearby by as offered and that’s it. You’ve offered rehang and a new life. She doesn’t want to change and wants tou to do everything for her

Merha · 09/05/2023 09:34

Sympathies, @Olinguita Can I also gently suggest the stately homes theads (who in turn recommend the out of the fog website which is excellent)
As the child of an alcoholic yourself, you will have caretaking tendencies. These are very apparent in your desire to 'fix' this situation. It is not in your remit to sort this all out.

Support your DH by all means, but it isn't on you to come up with lists of pros and cons. You need to look after your child and your own mental health as priority. There are some excellent book recommendations on the threads l mentioned. 'The Body Keeps The Score' and 'Boundaries' (second one by Cloud and Townsend) were both useful to me with some of my own challenges.
Wishing you all the very best.

MrsMikeDrop · 09/05/2023 08:22

Olinguita · 09/05/2023 07:50

Fair point! She had a crappy childhood with emotionally absent and completely self absorbed parents.
But she was happily married and absolutely devoted to FIL for 37 years. Totally pulled back from the world of work after having DH, and threw herself into being a housewife. They had quite a nice life. Somewhat bohemian, lots of friends. She got a degree from an internationally known university before getting married too. But now that FIL has gone it's like her life has no meaning any more.... So yeah, maybe she also has to play the hand life has given her and stop expecting to spend the next phase of her life settling in comfortably to controlling my nuclear family!

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That's quite interesting, initially when I read your posts I assumed she was someone who lived at home, then was married devoted to your FIL and not really having much of a life. From a more of a 'traditional' culture, sheltered life, isolated and no friends. I have even less sympathy for her now, she seems very manipulative.

QuickNameChangeForMeToday · 09/05/2023 08:20

Olinguita · 09/05/2023 07:50

Fair point! She had a crappy childhood with emotionally absent and completely self absorbed parents.
But she was happily married and absolutely devoted to FIL for 37 years. Totally pulled back from the world of work after having DH, and threw herself into being a housewife. They had quite a nice life. Somewhat bohemian, lots of friends. She got a degree from an internationally known university before getting married too. But now that FIL has gone it's like her life has no meaning any more.... So yeah, maybe she also has to play the hand life has given her and stop expecting to spend the next phase of her life settling in comfortably to controlling my nuclear family!

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Absolutely, you need to protect your own nuclear family/sanity.

Original poster

Olinguita · 09/05/2023 07:50

LuluTaylor · 06/05/2023 03:03

Sometimes we just have to play the hand we are given in life

Why do you think this applies to you but not your MIL? Her problems aren't the hand you've been dealt, they're the hand she's been dealt.

Fair point! She had a crappy childhood with emotionally absent and completely self absorbed parents.
But she was happily married and absolutely devoted to FIL for 37 years. Totally pulled back from the world of work after having DH, and threw herself into being a housewife. They had quite a nice life. Somewhat bohemian, lots of friends. She got a degree from an internationally known university before getting married too. But now that FIL has gone it's like her life has no meaning any more.... So yeah, maybe she also has to play the hand life has given her and stop expecting to spend the next phase of her life settling in comfortably to controlling my nuclear family!

OP posts:

Original poster

Olinguita · 09/05/2023 07:43

@LuluTaylor will check out the stately homes thread, thanks.
The more I get to know about DH's family, the more dysfunctional the whole situation seems
He always painted a picture of them as this perfect, happy family with a somewhat eccentric mum. It was only after I got married and FiL passed that I realised that things were not what they seemed.

OP posts:

LuluTaylor · 06/05/2023 03:03

Sometimes we just have to play the hand we are given in life

Why do you think this applies to you but not your MIL? Her problems aren't the hand you've been dealt, they're the hand she's been dealt.

Grimbelina · 05/05/2023 21:54

You stand a very good chance of destroying your life, your marriage and more importantly your child's life if you moved so that she could live with you. Utter madness.

LuluTaylor · 05/05/2023 19:22

FIL was almost 20 years senior to DH so it was always going to happen that he passed first. Their only plan was that DH would "look after" her when she was gone, although what "look after" entails was clearly a nebulous concept. She seems to have interpreted it as turning DH into a substitute husband and totally collapsing on top of my nuclear family, rather than, say, accepting a reasonable amount of emotional, practical and financial support... I actually think this was quite wicked of FIL. He basically groomed DH to accept an unreasonable amount of responsibility for a fundamentally unreasonable individual.

But that is all beside the point

it isn't. Take a look at the Stately Homes threads on here (run a search and they'll show up) to see why you should keep this individual as far away from you as possible. If she comes to live near you you'll find your entire lives revolving around her dramatics.

JandalsAlways · 05/05/2023 13:06

Olinguita · 05/05/2023 10:34

@Movinghouseatlast we could technically relocate to a cheaper area and get a house with an annex. My job and my husband's can technically be done remotely. So that would solve a lot of problems.
However... Our career and earning prospects would be curtailed if we left our current location for a cheaper one and it would mean uprooting us away from friends and family, who have frankly been a saving grace in this situation. So on the one hand, I'd be limiting my earning potential and isolating myself by moving, and potentially signing myself up to become a carer. But on the other hand, perhaps it would be the right thing to do. Sometimes we just have to play the hand we are given in life. So many of my dreams would go up in smoke if I did this.
Perhaps I'm being dramatic but this option feels so, so hard.

Don't do it. If she was a normal, nice MIL then fine. But she's not, she sounds very manipulative. Honestly OP you get one life, don't compromise you and your DC for your selfish MIL.

mischlerischler · 05/05/2023 11:02

Olinguita · 05/05/2023 10:34

@Movinghouseatlast we could technically relocate to a cheaper area and get a house with an annex. My job and my husband's can technically be done remotely. So that would solve a lot of problems.
However... Our career and earning prospects would be curtailed if we left our current location for a cheaper one and it would mean uprooting us away from friends and family, who have frankly been a saving grace in this situation. So on the one hand, I'd be limiting my earning potential and isolating myself by moving, and potentially signing myself up to become a carer. But on the other hand, perhaps it would be the right thing to do. Sometimes we just have to play the hand we are given in life. So many of my dreams would go up in smoke if I did this.
Perhaps I'm being dramatic but this option feels so, so hard.

Don't do that. You have to put your family (DH, DC) first. You've been very generous and supportive of your MIL - as PPs have said, you can't force her to give up if she doesn't want to and you should not let her live near your child long term.

As sad as it is, she has plenty of options, but is not ready to engage with any of them.

I would step back as hard as it is. Focus on your DH & DC.

Don't give up on your goals for someone who doesn't want to be helped!

SuperSange · 05/05/2023 10:53

Is there any other family? BIL/SIL?

BigGreen · 05/05/2023 10:50

Oh God, don't get an annexe. You had to suffer through having an alcoholic father, why would you bring an alcoholic granny into the same house as your kid? Just no. I'd be telling my DH if he's so keen he should go and live with his Mum. It is not your fault that MIL has made these life choices.

Original poster

Olinguita · 05/05/2023 10:34

@Movinghouseatlast we could technically relocate to a cheaper area and get a house with an annex. My job and my husband's can technically be done remotely. So that would solve a lot of problems.
However... Our career and earning prospects would be curtailed if we left our current location for a cheaper one and it would mean uprooting us away from friends and family, who have frankly been a saving grace in this situation. So on the one hand, I'd be limiting my earning potential and isolating myself by moving, and potentially signing myself up to become a carer. But on the other hand, perhaps it would be the right thing to do. Sometimes we just have to play the hand we are given in life. So many of my dreams would go up in smoke if I did this.
Perhaps I'm being dramatic but this option feels so, so hard.

OP posts:

Movinghouseatlast · 05/05/2023 09:25

I really feel for you, what a horrible situation. I can see it must feel impossible.

She isn't elderly though. The fact you have put your post in this section is pretty telling. You can be the only one to unravel what it is telling of though.

Could you and your husband have some couples therapy? It certainly sounds like he needs some counselling to unravel his feelings.

Your mother in law needs psychological help before rehab. There is no need to unravel why she drinks, she knows why. She is mentally ill, in the UK there is a good chance she would be sectioned. Is this a possibility where she is?

She is desperate and crying out for help but she only wants it on her own terms which is why she needs professional help with her grief first and foremost.

On a practical level, would there be enough money for a house with an annexe if you sold your house too? Could you rent your place out and rent somewhere with her in the short term? Could you relocate to a cheaper area? Just some out of the box ideas.

BeverlyHa · 05/05/2023 08:53

She has to be left to her devices to live as she wishes or to sell her property and fund her new lifestyle but both drinking and ordering you how to live so she can live with you is a no way. I cut my mother in law for making silly ( not even stupid ) comments for 5 years, that taught her and now she sees us and is the most angelic old soul. I believe in boundaries and that others have to pick up their messes

BlackieGrey · 05/05/2023 08:48

ehb102 · 01/05/2023 08:14

Once someone says "Do as I say or I will kill myself" it's game over. You can't trust them, and you certainly can't give them any power. By saying that MIL has shown you that you must not let her into your home.

Know the limits of your responsibility. Stop engaging and trying to fix this. That's what your DH is doing, and it's probably the best defence mechanism. You do not want an emotionally abusive alcoholic landing on you to leech the life out of you. Just say no. It's the right thing for your child.

I agree.

Original poster

Olinguita · 05/05/2023 08:02

@Wilma55 that is a very good suggestion. Unfortunately I mentioned this already and he doesn't want to go, because he says his mum isn't a proper alcoholic, she just drinks because she is lonely and has abandonment issues, and it won't help him.

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Wilma55 · 05/05/2023 07:47

Your DH should consider the group for relatives of alcoholics, is it AlAnon?

Original poster

Olinguita · 05/05/2023 07:31

@LuluTaylor thanks, you are right about backing off and not suggesting solutions.

I guess I was horrified at MIL's total lack of any plan for the future that I wanted to encourage her and DH to start thinking ahead so we didn't end up reaching a crisis (although that's where we have ended up anyway). FIL was almost 20 years senior to DH so it was always going to happen that he passed first. Their only plan was that DH would "look after" her when she was gone, although what "look after" entails was clearly a nebulous concept. She seems to have interpreted it as turning DH into a substitute husband and totally collapsing on top of my nuclear family, rather than, say, accepting a reasonable amount of emotional, practical and financial support... I actually think this was quite wicked of FIL. He basically groomed DH to accept an unreasonable amount of responsibility for a fundamentally unreasonable individual.

But that is all beside the point and I'm rambling now, I am going to reflect on your key message of just backing off from the situation and trying my best to support DH. You are right, even two months of the year would be an almost unbearable upheaval. Every time she has stayed in the past, my relationship with my DH has literally taken months to stabilise again.

I always think that DS and her might have this lovely and magical relationship even if I can't stand her. But a useful rule of thumb is that if I find a family member appallingly stressful to be around, the chances are my child will probably struggle with them too!!! Need to stop my wishful thinking.

OP posts:

LuluTaylor · 05/05/2023 01:12

Honestly OP you've dodged a bullet. DON'T ever have her live with you and don't encourage her to live near you. Her alcoholism is only going to get worse and it'll ruin your marriage if she's in your home.

It won't be 2 months a year, it'll be 2 months of stress knowing it's coming, 2 months of pure hell while she's around and 2 months mentally recovering from the inevitable fallout from her visit. So 6 months a year of yours, DH and DC lives ruined every year. Realistically, eventually the stress will never leave you and you'll end up dreading her next visit the day she leaves the current one.

She's choosing to ruin her life, don't ruin yours too. Stop pressuring your DH to get on a plane and DO something. There's nothing he can do. It's her choice, she doesn't want help, so she can't be helped.

Support DH in his grief over his father and in his other feelings surrounding his mother. Stop pushing your feelings onto him. Step back from the MIL situation. Stop offering suggestions, especially ones that'll ruin your lives. Stop trying to take responsibility for her. She isn't your responsibility (or DH's). Stop trying to fix her alcoholism to avoid your own feelings. Sit with your feelings, work on them, focus on your own mental wellness and leave MIL to it. She's looking to replace her husband with her son and is trying to manipulate the situation to get what she wants.

She doesn't need to come live in the UK. The solution is for her to attend rehab, apologize to everyone for her awful behaviour, get help with her grief at losing her husband, build her confidence in living alone, reconnect with her friends and make new ones, get hobbies and embrace her new phase of life as a widow (sad as it is), whilst being happy that her son has a successful life of his own.

Original poster

Olinguita · 03/05/2023 18:48

@ExtensionAnxiety I think your point about late FIL keeping a lid on MILs behaviour is spot on. I sense there have been some long running issues around her mental health and behaviour that have been swept under the carpet for a long time. This is based on snippets from other family members that I've heard and a few things that DH has let on. DH always says they don't want to put a "label" on her.

What we are dealing with at the moment feels like a blend of grief and genuine undiagnosed mental health problems that may have been there for a long time, with a bit of plain old bad behaviour thrown into the mix for good measure.

@MMAMPWGHAP I hear mixed reports from DH about whether the drinking is a new thing or not. It appears to me she can turn it off and turn it on again. She has never had a problem with alcohol during her UK visits and she didn't touch a drop when DH last visited her for two weeks. And she has spells of a few weeks here and there where she is dry. It doesn't quite match the patterns of drinking that I've usually observed with alcoholics.

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Original poster

Olinguita · 03/05/2023 18:39

Hello everyone, I haven't had time to reply to everyone individually but I just wanted to thank you all so much for sharing your insights.
Right now DH's mental health is a huge concern. He did have some therapy last year paid for by his work but I don't get the impression he used it to talk about family patterns, it honestly seemed like more of an opportunity to lick his wounds in a safe space. Which is fine on one level , but I sensed no willingness to reflect on family dysfunction. As one poster said earlier, MIL is abusing him in a way with her behaviour. I hadn't really thought of it like that but it makes sense. He deserves compassion too. I just don't think he is going to engage in therapy, even now. He already vetoed marriage counseling.

OP posts:

MrsMikeDrop · 02/05/2023 03:13

You are in a lose-lose situation. You have been more than accommodating and very tolerant. I believe your relationship is likely to end over this and that your MIL clearly doesn't care, maybe thats her selfish plan. You need to put this back to your husband, so the choices are his and ask him what he thinks the best option is and MIL living with you is not a option due to your DC. I also think from a selfish point of view she should stay where she is as living close to you will be worse (and possibly not great for her either if she has grown up wherewver she lives now). PP have made valid points that she's still young, and could be around for another 30+ years! Also in my experience people who threaten death, are not nice people.