He's at end of life :(

Bowbowbo · 2023-04-05T15:04:41+00:00

My DF is 89 and has been declared 'end of life' by medical profession. He's at home with carers, I live two hours away but am kept fully in the loop by the care agency and I handle the finances. I go down about twice a week but can't stay as there's no room. He's fully compos mentis and not scared etc, just pissed off that it's dragging on. It's that old classic, a rollercoaster, in terms of good days/bad days, short-term panics etc. I reckon it'll go on for weeks yet. I'm just struggling with my emotions. Half of me desperately wants it to be over. The other half is terrified of how I will feel when he is no longer in my life, he's been a great dad. Any tips?

MereDintofPandiculation · 03/05/2023 09:18

Sorry for your loss. Glad it was a peaceful ending

Borntobeamum · 03/05/2023 09:11

Thinking of you and sending condolences x

Scarletthoo2 · 03/05/2023 00:54

So sorry for the loss of your Darling Dad OP. Sending lots of virtual hugs. You got this x

DuckDuckNo · 02/05/2023 23:56

I am sorry for your loss. I'm glad he had a peaceful passing.
Be gentle to yourself at this time.

WishIWasACavewoman · 02/05/2023 23:56

Sorry for your loss, and glad that your DDad had a peaceful death.

We lost mine last year. I couldn't be there (covid restrictions) but knew it was a release for him following a tough last few years. The grief was still overwhelming though, even though it was time (for him), and I miss him to this day, so I hope you're able to be gentle to yourself as you come to terms with it.

Pegsmum · 02/05/2023 23:44

Thinking of you, may your dad rest in peace x

notgettinganyyounger · 02/05/2023 23:39

So sorry for your loss of your dear dad. Xxx

Mochacino · 02/05/2023 23:33

Bowbowbo · 02/05/2023 23:31

An update: my darling dad died today, at home, surrounded by people who loved and admired him. I wasn’t there but that was fine, we had said our goodbyes. He had no pain and was peaceful to the end. Thank you to everyone who posted, you have helped me so, so much xx

May he rest in peace x

Original poster

Bowbowbo · 02/05/2023 23:31

An update: my darling dad died today, at home, surrounded by people who loved and admired him. I wasn’t there but that was fine, we had said our goodbyes. He had no pain and was peaceful to the end. Thank you to everyone who posted, you have helped me so, so much xx

OP posts:

Original poster

Bowbowbo · 22/04/2023 21:37

Thank you x

OP posts:

Pegsmum · 22/04/2023 15:08

Holding you and your dad in my thoughts, be gentle to yourself x

Original poster

Bowbowbo · 22/04/2023 15:05

You’re all so kind, thank you x And love to everyone who is going through this. It’s extraordinary x

OP posts:

AluckyEllie · 22/04/2023 13:03

In his own bed, in his own house with the people he loves most and no pain. What a great way to go. Wishing you both the best

lidlbrownjug · 22/04/2023 13:03

I hope he goes peacefully op.

Thinking of you.

GreenDressy · 22/04/2023 13:00

I wish him a peaceful death OP, you can't ask for more. Take care of yourself, it will be hard for you afterwards.

FluffyFluffyClouds · 22/04/2023 12:58

33goingon64 · 22/04/2023 12:40

Best wishes to you, OP. I've watched both my parents fade away in the last 3 years and it's hard. You're perfectly entitled to feel however you feel. The relief is overwhelming and you might feel nothing else for a while.

I was advised by someone not to try to be there at the end. Because it's distressing to see, and personally, I think animals are programmed to want to die alone (though I accept that's not a widely held view). We asked the hospital each day to call us at 7am if they'd died in the night.

You need rest and to be ready to deal with all the stuff that comes afterwards. Have the numbers you need handy (funeral director, GP) and if it helps you to keep busy you could start making lists e.g. funeral guests. Some people would be appalled at this approach but I found it helpful. Do whatever works for you.

I got quotes from three undertakers while Mum was dying. She was a great listmaker and organiser, I felt it was what she would have wanted (!)

33goingon64 · 22/04/2023 12:41

Oh, and talk to him, hold his hand, play his favourite music. He can almost certainly still hear you even if he can't talk.

33goingon64 · 22/04/2023 12:40

Best wishes to you, OP. I've watched both my parents fade away in the last 3 years and it's hard. You're perfectly entitled to feel however you feel. The relief is overwhelming and you might feel nothing else for a while.

I was advised by someone not to try to be there at the end. Because it's distressing to see, and personally, I think animals are programmed to want to die alone (though I accept that's not a widely held view). We asked the hospital each day to call us at 7am if they'd died in the night.

You need rest and to be ready to deal with all the stuff that comes afterwards. Have the numbers you need handy (funeral director, GP) and if it helps you to keep busy you could start making lists e.g. funeral guests. Some people would be appalled at this approach but I found it helpful. Do whatever works for you.

Ifailed · 22/04/2023 12:20

I remember the same phase with my partner, asleep on Diamorphine. I knew they were at peace and pain free, it certainly helped with the feeling of guilt 'hoping' it would all be over knowing they were at rest.

Best wishes for the next few hours/days.

Original poster

Bowbowbo · 22/04/2023 12:13

A little update. He’s on morphine now and very peaceful. I’m with him or in the next room full time. He’s just slipping away and it’s kind of beautiful. I hope there will be no more suffering, just peace now x

OP posts:

Original poster

Bowbowbo · 10/04/2023 16:22

All these posts have helped me so so much, thank you! I popped up to see him over the weekend and it was good. He told me he’s ok, not scared, pretty bored, pissed off it’s taking so long. No great declarations, like @Honeyroar, as there’s really no need. If that’s the last time, so be it.

OP posts:

Honeyroar · 10/04/2023 15:01

I went through this with my dad last autumn. Except that I lived nearby and visited every day. I didn’t stay over, although spent a few nights there when they called me in because they thought it was time. He didn’t like me telling him what a great dad he was, or telling him I loved him. We weren’t a very demonstrative father/daughter, but we both knew we adored each other even without the declarations. There’s no wrong or right, it’s just a case of what works for you. It might take several days though, so you might change your mind. Watching it and waiting was the hardest thing ever, harder than being without him has been so far.

MysterOfwomanY · 08/04/2023 13:24

It's absolutely normal to get to a stage where you kiss them goodnight and walk away hoping they just don't wake up in the morning. Totally. Dying is dull and uncomfortable.

EmmaEmerald · 08/04/2023 10:09

Bowbowbo · 06/04/2023 10:15

I’ve talked to him about whether he wants me there all the time and he really doesn’t. I don’t think it would help me now or in the future either. We had a very happy day recently with me and my DC there, lots of chat and laughs. In a way I want that to be the last time I see him. Is that weird?

No, it's not weird. I was with my dad every day the last three months and if I could turn back time, I wouldn't do it again. Not every day, not that level of caring. And he needed an empty room to die in, as many do.

My sister was so distressed by his condition in the last week, she opted not to return till the inevitable and she didn't go to the chapel of rest either.

it's your choice, it's not "weird" and stuff anyone who thinks that.

best wishes and peace to you both

Original poster

Bowbowbo · 08/04/2023 10:02

Thank you both.

OP posts: