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Elderly parents
Original poster

My sister doesn’t seem to care

104 replies

Mc1980 · 31/03/2023 13:34

My mother is in her early 80s and has been very always been sensitive and emotional most of the time. She gets very teary over the fact that my older sister (47), her second born and first daughter, fails to come and see her or check in on her and my dad regularly enough. My dad is in his 90s and his health is not the best. My mum seems to think and feel that my sister doesn’t care about them at all, and complains to me and my other sister about it quite often.
My older sister has three daughters (9, 12, 14) which understandably keeps her busy. She lives about 25/30 minutes away from mum and dad. She used to work full time but now has stopped working for the moment to look after her girls. The thing is she never seems to want to visit our childhood home or make arrangements to come see our mother and father, even for just an hour here or there. My mum isn’t aware she’s not working at the moment. She doesn’t seem to want to get involved with anything that is concerning my mother or helps her with anything much at all.
My sister doesn’t seem to have much empathy or consideration for them and just shrugs her shoulders and says they’re just getting old. She chooses to take overseas holidays and weekends away and never really makes the effort to see them in person anymore and it’s breaking my mum’s heart. Her kids are loaded with weekend activities which leaves little time for my sister to come and see mum and dad, even just by herself. I don’t know why my BIL can’t just look after the kids for an hour or two?. I’m worried that she’ll wake up one day and it will be too late.
I don’t know how to handle this with my mother (or sister). My other sister (45) and I are always around to offer help my mum with simple tasks and keeping her company. She often complains to us about my sister and how she never does this or that.
Any advice from someone who has gone through this would be appreciated.

OP posts:
IfDreamsWereWings · 31/03/2023 14:23

I agree with everything @Belindabelle said.
People do have different relationships, perceptions and also sometimes clashing of personalities.
You can’t change the situation. The most you can do is ask your sister why she feels the way she does. Even then she might not tell you. There is always a reason people behave the way they behave. She obviously doesn’t feel the same way about your parents as you and your other siblings do. There will be a reason for that. Your parents and you have to accept the relationship for what it is.

Slimjimtobe · 31/03/2023 14:23

It’s very sad and especially since her daughters are well up and not babies anymore and she doesn’t work - she has plenty of time during the school day I’m sure

something must have happened years ago to break down the relationship - your daughter will be hurt if her own girls treat her like this in the future

there really is nothing you can do though

RatherBeRiding · 31/03/2023 14:18

I'd be interested to hear your sister's side. You say your mother is sensitive and emotional - wonder what your sister's take on that is and what her childhood memories are.

But it is a fact that she chooses not to get involved. Her choice. Do you have the kind of relationship with her that you could ask her about it, and explain how you and your other sister are getting complained at regularly?

If not, there's nothing you can do. Your older sister knows where her parents are and it is entirely up to her what kind of relationship she has with them. I wonder if your mother expects her eldest daughter to be constantly visiting, as though it's her duty? You might have to be blunt with her - your sister has chosen her own life and her own commitments and is putting them first. There is nothing to do but accept that.

Belindabelle · 31/03/2023 14:08

Not everybody has the same relationship with their parents. Siblings brought up in the same household often have different experiences. Or at least they have a different perception of their upbringing.

For whatever reason your sister doesn’t seem to want to be involved with her parents. That is a totally valid choice for her to make.

This is sad and upsetting for your mum. You and your siblings probably feel some resentment that your sister has checked out and isn’t stepping up when your parents need support, leaving more for you to do.

Do you or your siblings have a good relationship with your sister?

The old saying about not being able to change people’s behaviour, only being able to control your reaction to their behaviour springs to mind.

On the face of it I do feel sad for your parents but I don’t think there is much you can do.