Am I being selfish for thinking this way?

What happens if you go on holiday for a week or fortnight ?

Why don't you suggest that you get 2 days off together week ?

Apply for attendance allowance, it is not means tested & carers allowance

Suggest cleaner (who chats to you DF) once a week to help spread the social requirements

You can get repeat medecine delivered free by local pharmacy. Reorder via phone or Internet

Suggest take DF to local library & see if any groups or courses he / you can join
I've seen recently that schools are looking for people to hear children read

Can your DF use the bus or investigate if you can swap bus pass for taxi, check with your council

Do you pay into a private work pension ?
If not you may be missing "free" money/ contributions from your employer too & life insurance

If he won't cook if you don't visit, can you leave something that just needs heating up or he orders take away ?

What would he do if you lived several hours drive away & were not so free to help so regularly ?

Your thinking is back to front.
If he lived and cared about you he wouldn't allow you to jeopardise your career, pension, mental health, time with your family in the prime of your life to run round after him indefinitely. Is that what you'd ask of your busy adult DC?
We scrimp and save all our lives to buy in care as needed and let our DC live their own lives. My DM ended up on BP medication and anti depressants doing this for my GM. It tainted her memory of her irreversibly.
You need to step back. His response will indicate what sort of person he is.

Argue that you’d like to go back to being a daughter, to have quality time with him.

See if he’d qualify for attendance allowance, which isn’t means tested. Easier to spend money that you’re given to look after yourself than to spend your own money.

Can you start by getting someone in on the days you don’t go? Sneak them in from there?

I think you may find some reasonableness in him. Most people who come on here in this sort of situation aren’t getting any payment, the fact he offered to pay suggests he doesn’t think it’s the default duty of the daughter.

I agree with PP.

I'm in a similar position but not as far down the line (mine is younger and can manage more for himself), and at least my DF lives close by but I definitely feel resentful because mine relies on me so much to get him out of the house (he has ideas about what he'd like to do, but isn't motivated enough to do things yet refuses help with his mental health)

I think when we get to the point when mine needs someone to do all his shopping/housework we will have to have a serious conversation about paying someone to do it, because having the responsibility for him really drags me down. People say "oh well it's payback for him bringing you up" but in fairness he had very little to do with us as kids, he did his own thing while DM did it all.

is there any chance of him moving closer to you or is that a complete no go?

I work in retirement and trust me you are going way above what I see many " children" do for their parents. Its important to remember you as well though.

I do get how hard it is to work out and sort out. Start with having a conversation with dad see if you can work something out you both feel ok about. He will remember what it is like having a primary aged kid so perhaps go in from that angle?

Please be honest and tell him how you feel, how you’re exhausted and it’s too much.
I didn’t. I feel that the years spent caring really impacted on my children as they grew up and has meant that they felt they were never prioritised.
I wish I had done things differently.
if he has the money to pay- he can pay someone else- then when you spend time together you can be the daughter and not putting out bins.
take care. I know how exhausting it is with primary aged children.

Yeah age old and tough question, could he just come and live with you or you with him then it is only one household you are running. If you sell or rent out one of the houses as well then that could help with the finances too. With all due respect he is 86 so this won’t go on for ever, but it could be 15 to 20 years at the most so you do need a plan.

It's so hard. You're either exhausted or guilty.

It seems like his main problem is that he's lonely. Could you get him to go to some day clubs? Often they have a bus that comes and picks them up from their house and then takes them to the club to meet other people. And they arrange day trips out.

And look at getting carers in to break the monotony. My mum had 3 really nice private carers that came for half an hour 4 times a day. They gave her something to eat and did a quick clean round to keep on top of everything. Then a proper cleaner came in once a week and a gardener every other week. And of course we went down to see her to check everything was OK.

Sometimes you have to get others involved to save yourself. Because, honestly, this is a long haul and you can easily burn out. Which sounds ridiculous but everyone who's done it appreciates what you're going through.

This will actually help your dad because he'll get to socialise and honestly it's the boredom and loneliness that really destroys the quality of their life in the end. You could go once a week and take him shopping and out for lunch and just enjoy his company and make memories to treasure.

I have an elderly relative. Very independent. I have insisted that someone comes in on the days I don’t go to see the. Eventually parent has warmed to them and I am now asking them to take the shopping, for coffee appoints etc. in a way it has been via stealth that I am not needed so much now.

You have to put yourself first. I know this is hard in this situation. I have been there although not in a paid sense. The constant phone calls on their own are draining let alone the rest of it. My sister or I would get a phone call from Mum up to 30 times in an hour about the same thing. Drove me nuts.

My mum is currently in a care home now sadly although they are very nice there.

It is also just a season (a time not an actual season like autumn), this will not be forever and then it will change and be a new normal again and again.

You need to decide what you want do. Maybe take him for a coffee once a week and keep his admin and appointments organised.

Then you need to decide what he needs help with.

It is a difficult conversation to explain to him that he needs carers to pop in a few times a week.

Maybe sit down with him to draw up a list of things that he needs help with.

Have you got power of attorney? Because if not I recommend that you do asap.

I also recommend you call adult social care. They can provide support for you and do a carers assessment for you as well as assessing any needs your dad has and pointing you in the direction of local help and resources.

Also have you looked onto carers allowance to see if you are eligible?

You've been very kind but it's not working and you can't go on like this. You're not selfish. It's time for him to get other paid help, because this isn't sustainable for you, especially with two young children.
"he has spent his life bringing me up, it’s my turn to repay him"
No he hasn't! He hasn't looked after you all his life, you're an adult. And that's not how parenthood works anyway.