Am I being selfish for thinking this way?

One way to think of it is to ask whether he would have done the same for his parents. My guess is no. And it so, it’s not fair to expect it of you.

I feel you, its such a hard situation. but you are actually leaving him in a vulnerable position being reliant on you, as there is no "scaffolding" around him should anything happen to you. That’s a very good point.

I note a reason for not moving is the 'countryside ' but how often does your father actually get out & enjoy the countryside The point about living in the countryside is that you don’t have to get out to enjoy it, it’s there all around you, you can see it from your windows. Whereas once you have moved into town you may never see the countryside again, such is public transport.

It's hardly 'frittering'. It's ensuring you are safe and cared for at the most vulnerable time of your life. If we all want to live to 80, 90 and beyond Well, there we see it differently. I see it as being kept alive against my wishes and forced to pay for the privilege.

It does sound as if sheltered accommodation closer to you would be the best outcome. Sit down and have a conversation with him. Be honest about how exhausted you are and how your own family life is being adversely impacted, and tell him that you can't carry on as you are.

If he's up for the change, great, and you can help him make the move. If he's not, you'll have to get tough and start withdrawing your support. The way he's living now isn't fair on you, and it's not good for him either if he's struggling. A change in his attitude could make things so much better for all concerned.

It's so hard. We have an elderly relative living with us and it's very restrictive:- they can't be left for more than a couple of hours. We muddle along, and at some point they may need residential care, but we're not there yet. It takes it's toll.

Sorry I repeated myself there x

You can’t pour from an empty cup OP. You’re exhausted and it’s not fair. You are not responsible for your Dad’s happiness so don’t feel guilt tripped into it.
my Dm was trapped in a cage of her own making. She wouldn’t even join the library to just be able to speak to someone and just waited for me or my siblings to take her out. Eventually after illness she was advised by medics to attend a local day centre three times a week. It’s been a saviour for her and us.
you sound like you have a lovely relationship but to keep it that way you need to enjoy what life he has left, not endure it. My mum was trapped in a cage of her own making, not my problem. Hers!

You are not being selfish, you sound lovely but because someone is older it doesn't mean they are above being selfish themselves, you sound very kind but this arrangement is not working.Taking the approach of being a " care organiser rather than a care giver" can be liberating all round and mean that the time you do spend together can be more relaxed and social ( especially if your visits have started to cross over into the personal care area) Speaking with personal experience..
I note a reason for not moving is the 'countryside ' but how often does your father actually get out & enjoy the countryside over how often does he need everyday help, company, care, GP appointments etc?
Involve other people, speak with professionals,claim carers allowance etc
Best of luck.

I am a self employed cleaner op but I was approached by a lady wanting help with her uncle. Light cleaning and make a light lunch etc. Bit of shopping
. All good and in my capabilities! Sadly the gentleman died before I started but I suggest you discuss it with df and look on a care website (Care. Com I am on). You can interview and vet people.. Reviews up there and you can request dbs..yanbu to resign from your post!

I feel you, its such a hard situation. but you are actually leaving him in a vulnerable position being reliant on you, as there is no "scaffolding" around him should anything happen to you. If he had some alternative support, whether that is a carer popping in, doing meals, or a cleaner or care package or whatever, then this could be expanded to fill in for you should the need arise, like you or your child were sick or you went on holiday.

You are looking at it like you owe him and I appreciate he is not wanting new people in his life or to be more sociable but that is on him. I think men are particularly bad for not maintaining a social life, hobbies, interests etc and then relying on others to fill the gaps- how many posts do we see on here of women retiring but not wanting to fully facilitate their husbands retirement cause they have no friends or interests and they feel suffocated.

Maybe baby steps of getting someone else like a home help in to him one day a week, or by making yourself unavailable more often and edging out a bit?

My mum has just had a stroke at 63 due to high blood pressure likely caused by the stress of looking after my grandad who is in his 90s. He won't leave his highly inappropriate country home and she's run ragged working still and sorting out everything to do with his house, maintenance , medical appointments, when he falls at 3am and she has to rush up there and sit in A&E whilst they stitch him up. I would start to back away now before you are in the position of having to be emergency on call. Maybe suggest you halve your visits and he pay carers instead, then if he takes to that you could slowly withdraw entirely from the regular care.

It's hardly 'frittering'. It's ensuring you are safe and cared for at the most vulnerable time of your life. If we all want to live to 80, 90 and beyond in our millions we need to change our mindset.
Passing on an inheritance is a bonus, which indeed many caring adult DC would happily forego to be free to live their lives.

That does make you think. We do all have the right to choose what treatment we have. I would rather have my DC have any money than go on for years.

Your DF has made choices about how his life is - he might be 86 but he is lonely through choice effectively. Your job as daughter is not to fill in for friends and hobbies that he hasn't wanted to put the effort into.

He is living through you, and you are exhausted, it's not sustainable. The payment is a red herring as you are 'on call' 24/7 even though you are only meant to be with him a few days a week.

Your children deserve more of their mum, your DF is an adult and largely should be able to run his own life. Yes he might need help with appointments, bills and so on but the day to day expectation that you should drop everything for him needs to finish.

Hi OP, my situation is not as bad as your by any means but just on the food point: my FIL will eat (and seems to enjoy) meals from these two companies:

https://www.bighams.com/products/
https://www.cookfood.net/menu/main-meals/comfort-food

They are pre-made, oven or microwave to heat up, but FIL (who isn't very motivated about eating) likes these ones enough to bother! He's very fond of the lasangas and pies especially, but obviously you'll know what you DF might enjoy.

For us, buying in for him from these places made the difference between fed and happy, vs hadn't eaten all week because couldn't be bothered. So they're worth a try. You could try making one when you're there with him, sort of saying you need a rest and don't want to cook from scratch this time, and then se how he goes with it?

Realise this isn't the whole solution for you! But just getting him more independent with feeding himself might be a step in the right direction. Best of luck.

It's crappy getting old, it really is but that's life sadly. It shouldn't mean we get selfish and helpless and insular and have no regard for our family's lives.
You do need a proper talk..he might like the countryside but he isn't doing/able to do much in it from what you say so maybe moving closer to you would help. If he wants to stay where he is then he should be prepared to accept carers coming in. Your young family and yourself need prioritising. It's not selfish and children don't owe their parents. If I want to wallow in my poor health or lack of friends that's my issue not my children's. I think some older people feel bitter about their circumstances and the people they love get the brunt of it all.

What you are doing is amazing, compassionate but bot sustainable and sounds as though it is to the detriment of your own health and family. So what would be your ideal? How much time would you like to spend with DF and what would you like to do for/with him? Are there any activities you enjoy together that could be regular so he has something to always look forward to?

Once you have decided what you are happy to do (not guilted into doing) make a list of all the other necessary jobs, but try to encourage him to still do as much as possible eg getting meal out of fridge/freezer and microwaving.

Using his own funds/attendance allowance organise cleaner, gardener, carers, charity that do lifts to medical appointments, prescription dropoffs, supermarket delivery.

If he won’t heat up meals, then can he have meals on wheels service locally? Or carer each lunchtime to prepare for him? (Both DMs do this)

Please put your own health first. Parents choose to have children it is not about paying back at all. You care for him but need to give what you want to/are able to. Please get your old balance back! Good luck OP.

P.S. I'm going through the same thing myself so understand how difficult it is when they expect so much from you!

In answer to your original question no you're not selfish. It is absolutely draining when they're intransigent and don't realise you have your own life to lead.

This is so much easier said than done but you need to toughen up and establish boundaries.

I'm getting older and three of my children have said when I can't manage any more on my own, I can stay with them. Two of them have said that they will build a granny flat in their garden so I will be close but still have some space for myself.

We scrimp and save all our lives to buy in care Speak for yourself. I’ve scrimped and saved to pass a decent amount to my children. It’s only relatively recently that the expectation became spending years, even decades, reliant on others. My grandparents were carried off relatively swiftly with heart problems that today would be dealt with relatively routinely. So I completely understand older people not wanting to fritter away their children’s inheritance on care for themselves.

That said, OPs father is not of this mindset - he’s willing to pay his daughter.

You are not being unreasonable at all OP.

You've tried this, it was kind of you to try it but it's not working out and you're not happy. This could continue for years so you need to act now or you'll be miserable for years. It's all very well to say that he refuses carers, refuses to move house etc. He's not the only one who gets to make choices about his life - now it's your turn to refuse to take on this role. Your decision is just as valid as his choices. Then you can talk to him about alternative options - but only after he's 100% clear that the current situation is not going to continue. He needs to accept that he'll either need to pay for help or move to a retirement living flat. My in laws are in one and it's working out really well for them (and for DH, who couldn't carry on supporting them).

It sounds like you’ve been very kind. Too kind. You and your children need to come first! Is he too fatigued to use the microwave? You could visit once a week/month whenever and he could reheat meals you batch cooked in the microwave, or buy ready meals!

If your dad is paying you, he can afford to pay someone else and your relationship can go back to a parent/child one rather than employee/employer. The only concern I have is that he would still be phoning you about appointments etc and you might end up being on call 24/7 for no pay.

You do have the choice to go back to work FT & visit your DF in your off work time. He cannot stop you doing this.

I work FT

This may actually be better for both of you ?

You could also use this to implement getting other helpers into his household

I have a relative of similar age & no siblings

I think that you are doing too much !

Your priority should be you & your own children first

My relative is the similar age, lives alone independently & a weekly cleaner. Neighbours were very helpful during covid restrictions.

I live a several hundred miles away & go away on holidays
I do visit regularly
I do help with hospital appointments, times of illness, other things that need sorting out if I am available
I do take them on a holiday & days out
Example
They don't like using taxis, but will if I am abroad

I strongly suggest that you get a local cleaner/helper to share the load with you

I think that you need more time away

Good luck

You have a choice in this OP. Remember that. And your life will pan out as a result of the choices you make.