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Elderly parents
Original poster

Deep sense of resentment

37 replies

Houseofjoy · 26/03/2023 09:05

Hi,
It's my first time posting and I'm not exactly sure what I'm after. A little understanding or a way to make myself feel better. Like many on this thread, I feel I am at breaking point. Or a little way past that.
I care for my DM who is 74, blind and broke her hip 8 months ago. Her sight loss has caused her to break almost every bone in her body at some point. Her previous frequent and excessive alcohol consumption did not help with mobility either.

I came to stay with DM 8 months ago and the original plan was to share care with my sister. One week on, one week off. But as DSis kept putting her week off, I just sort of stuck around. Things were going ok for me and my Mum. I cook, clean, do the washing and shopping, decorating, DIY all the admin etc. No personal care yet which makes things easier. But it feels like a lot as there is still so much stuff to sort through after she downsized following the death of her partner.
I was working but failing at that - ended up miserable and with the cost of living crisis, decided to abandon failing job, move in with my Mum permanently and rent out my house. It's a small income, around £600 per month but it meant I don't have to pay bills so - I'm surviving.
So, things were going ok but my main issue is that I have very little support from my sister and my relationship with my Mum is becoming increasingly strained as a result. Sister works full time (very well paid job with some status) and moved near to my Mum 2 years ago, ironically so she could offer more support. In those 2 years DM has been inside her house on 2 occasions. Once was Xmas and DSis tried everything possible to get out of that. DSis visits her approx once a month, never takes her out unless I ask her to. Even then I think there have been 3 meals and 1 trip to theatre in 2 years.
DSis refused to visit when we were both ill with chest infections as she didn't want to catch anything. That was hard. Both emotionally and physically.
I told DSis I was thinking of going to a friend's next Xmas as I felt unappreciated by DM and my son. (DM and son never buy me a present, no help cooking Xmas dinner from DS, and I feel like a servant) DSis refuses to have DM over for Xmas dinner next year.
When my car broke down, DSis suggested I just walk to the supermarket (30 mins walk away). No offer of a lift or picking stuff up.
DSis OH thinks DM is too dependent and wants her to get cleaners/meals on wheels etc which my DM doesn't want.
When I ask DSis directly for support, I am made aware of how inconvenient this is for her and how she needs to put her OH first. OH and DM do not get on.

To make matters worse, I'm visiting my Uncle twice a week as he is EOL and being supported at home by DF and other family. Emotionally, it is hard but made worse by DSis now complaining that by taking on care responsibilities, I am excluding her and making her feel bad. Big heated argument followed.

I am so tired and exhausted. My own life feels so out of control and I don't even know what my own needs are any more. I deeply resent my Dsis for opting out and leaving me with all of it. She says it was my choice but also blames me because I have a closer relationship with family. I feel so isolated and alone and I have no one to talk to about this. It's affecting me badly with very dark thoughts indeed. How do I pull myself round.

OP posts:
Original poster
Houseofjoy · 26/03/2023 09:36

coffeecookie · 26/03/2023 09:23

Why does she need someone with her all the time? As a social worker I would be putting in some domiciliary care only based on what you say ?

Does she claim DlA or Attendance Allowance and therefore are you claiming carers allowance to top up your income... then you can claim other benefits you should not be living just on the rent.

Thank you, that's interesting.
She struggles with all daily tasks, getting drinks, getting dressed, finding anything, emptying commode (which she needs at night because of continence issues), getting to toilet on time. She broke both hips and now struggles with movement and is at risk of injuring herself on stairs, trip hazards etc. Will not use frame or stick! She has COPD and other complications.
She doesn't really need someone with her all of the time. I can go out shopping or meet friends. But her care needs are quite strange and specific because of her blindness.
Just put in for attendance allowance. She's already on higher PIP.

OP posts:
Ilikewinter · 26/03/2023 09:35

From experience the more you give, the more people take. You really need to be strong / get angry, do what ever it takes to say enoughs enough and take your own life back. I think you should look for at least a part time job, or volunteer work, day time hobbies etc. Do something for you. I know its not that easy, especially when you are just stuck dealing with everything day in day out, but please look after yourself 💐

Slimjimtobe · 26/03/2023 09:32

You are a lovely kindhearted daughter but you need to step back - dsis is very mean to not support you and your mum at all

BrainOnFire · 26/03/2023 09:30

OP, I'm sorry to say this when you're obviously feeling so down, but your sister is basically right. You chose to give up your job and move in with your mum, and if she's still working full time while you're not working then it's not reasonable to share your mother's care one week on, one week off. If you're not happy, you need to move back to your home and/or look for another job.

Could your mum move into a retirement living flat if she's not capable of living on her own? My in laws have done this and it's really good. They were finding that maintaining their own home and garden was too much for them.

Don't cook Christmas dinner for people who don't appreciate it. But by the same token, don't expect your sister to do it either!

Knotaknitter · 26/03/2023 09:29

You need some support. Accept now that it won't come from your sister, she's shown you what she's prepared to do and that's unlikely to change. That may sound harsh but not everyone has the perfect family, all pulling together. You can't change how people are, you have to accept the truth of how the relationship actually is, rather than what you wish it was.

Would your sister pay for the cleaner she thinks mum needs? If so, accept it because it's one less job for you to be doing. You don't have to do all the work, if someone else can do it (more likely paid help than your sister) then have them do it. In England you are legally entitled to a carer's assessment, potentially it's another source of support for you. Has your mum had a needs assessment from Social Services? Your mum is only young yet, how long do you think you can carry on like this before you end up in hospital?

CharlotteDoyle · 26/03/2023 09:28

Have you been in touch with adult social services? My understanding is that it's this exact sort of situation that social services is there for. Eg they can assess your DM's needs and financial circumstances and put in place a support programme such as in-home care or possibly a move into a facility.

livinthedreamnot · 26/03/2023 09:25

Didn't want to read and run. Those more knowledgeable than me will be able to advise you further but are social services involved? Have they carried out a care needs assessment? The care of your DM should not all fall on you, it sounds as though it is unsustainable for you and your DSis will not step up. For you own sake please get some practical help, it's too much of a burden to carry alone.

coffeecookie · 26/03/2023 09:23

Why does she need someone with her all the time? As a social worker I would be putting in some domiciliary care only based on what you say ?

Does she claim DlA or Attendance Allowance and therefore are you claiming carers allowance to top up your income... then you can claim other benefits you should not be living just on the rent.

Original poster
Houseofjoy · 26/03/2023 09:22

cocksstrideintheevening · 26/03/2023 09:15

I'm sorry op but you're being a martyr. Where's your life in all this?

I really don't know. I'm trying hard to get support so I can start to get a bit of my life back. It's just not happening

OP posts:
Dotcheck · 26/03/2023 09:20

I think you need to get back to work- even if part time. I think having another focus in your life will do you the world of good

hattie43 · 26/03/2023 09:18

You are in an awful situation and it's not tenable longer term . I will be in a similar situation when the time comes and I'm not going to put myself in a similar situation.
In your shoes I would regain your own life . Move back to your own home to put space between you and your mum . If then involve social services and caters to see what help is available . Personally I absolutely won't be doing personal care and you may feel the same when the time comes , it'll be easier on mum to get her used to carers now rather than later.
Bottom line for me is you have lost your own identity. A move back to your own home can mean friends visiting and just some quiet time . You'll feel engaged with the world again rather than being in the insular caring bubble .

cocksstrideintheevening · 26/03/2023 09:15

I'm sorry op but you're being a martyr. Where's your life in all this?

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