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Elderly parents
Original poster

Deep sense of resentment

37 replies

Houseofjoy · 26/03/2023 09:05

Hi,
It's my first time posting and I'm not exactly sure what I'm after. A little understanding or a way to make myself feel better. Like many on this thread, I feel I am at breaking point. Or a little way past that.
I care for my DM who is 74, blind and broke her hip 8 months ago. Her sight loss has caused her to break almost every bone in her body at some point. Her previous frequent and excessive alcohol consumption did not help with mobility either.

I came to stay with DM 8 months ago and the original plan was to share care with my sister. One week on, one week off. But as DSis kept putting her week off, I just sort of stuck around. Things were going ok for me and my Mum. I cook, clean, do the washing and shopping, decorating, DIY all the admin etc. No personal care yet which makes things easier. But it feels like a lot as there is still so much stuff to sort through after she downsized following the death of her partner.
I was working but failing at that - ended up miserable and with the cost of living crisis, decided to abandon failing job, move in with my Mum permanently and rent out my house. It's a small income, around £600 per month but it meant I don't have to pay bills so - I'm surviving.
So, things were going ok but my main issue is that I have very little support from my sister and my relationship with my Mum is becoming increasingly strained as a result. Sister works full time (very well paid job with some status) and moved near to my Mum 2 years ago, ironically so she could offer more support. In those 2 years DM has been inside her house on 2 occasions. Once was Xmas and DSis tried everything possible to get out of that. DSis visits her approx once a month, never takes her out unless I ask her to. Even then I think there have been 3 meals and 1 trip to theatre in 2 years.
DSis refused to visit when we were both ill with chest infections as she didn't want to catch anything. That was hard. Both emotionally and physically.
I told DSis I was thinking of going to a friend's next Xmas as I felt unappreciated by DM and my son. (DM and son never buy me a present, no help cooking Xmas dinner from DS, and I feel like a servant) DSis refuses to have DM over for Xmas dinner next year.
When my car broke down, DSis suggested I just walk to the supermarket (30 mins walk away). No offer of a lift or picking stuff up.
DSis OH thinks DM is too dependent and wants her to get cleaners/meals on wheels etc which my DM doesn't want.
When I ask DSis directly for support, I am made aware of how inconvenient this is for her and how she needs to put her OH first. OH and DM do not get on.

To make matters worse, I'm visiting my Uncle twice a week as he is EOL and being supported at home by DF and other family. Emotionally, it is hard but made worse by DSis now complaining that by taking on care responsibilities, I am excluding her and making her feel bad. Big heated argument followed.

I am so tired and exhausted. My own life feels so out of control and I don't even know what my own needs are any more. I deeply resent my Dsis for opting out and leaving me with all of it. She says it was my choice but also blames me because I have a closer relationship with family. I feel so isolated and alone and I have no one to talk to about this. It's affecting me badly with very dark thoughts indeed. How do I pull myself round.

OP posts:
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GordonShakespearedoesChristmas · 28/03/2023 06:52

Are you claiming any benefit to protect your own NI payments? Even if not entitled to any money due to renting out your house? Is that all done officially?
You sound very vulnerable financially OP.

PermanentTemporary · 28/03/2023 05:41

What @ModeWeasel said (I think). Your mental health is important and you need to prioritise that.

In your situation I would be practically chewing off my fingers with resentment of my sister. No wonder you feel dark. Also it is not ok for your mum to just say she's not going to do X or have Y, and you just fill the gap. I'd be pretty angry with her too.

So. What would a better life look like for you, without being filled with very justified resentment and anger? You've identified some things that would help, like an occasional break, but in fact I think I agree with those who say you need to reclaim your life. However the plans were made with your sister, it's not going to work like that. Your mum has got through the immediate patch after hospital and it's time to put something more sustainable in place.

VimFuego101 · 27/03/2023 19:58

You need to decide what you can realistically do in terms of help. It's not sustainable for you to live off your rental income (what happens if your renters give notice?) and you don't want to lose your place in your career, if you intend going back to it later.

Tista · 27/03/2023 19:09

give Up on your sister and focus on you. You sound fed up so get on with the needs assessment am sure she’ll get social services support, , get sister to pay halves on cleaner when you move out. You’d be more help popping in rather than struggling on

Architectahoy · 26/03/2023 20:30

How is the relationship between your Dsis and DM? When my DM needs help and support I won't be there (just like your Dsis!). My DBro is the favourite, she admits it publicly and he relishes in it. They're welcome to each other 😂

It's a quiet battle. I don't think anyone knows of my struggles apart from DH and Ddad. (I will however, care for my Dad when he needs it!)

SheilaFentiman · 26/03/2023 20:21

Agree - my parents pay for their alarm service

MereDintofPandiculation · 26/03/2023 20:20

Does she have a pendant alarm in case of falls? Social services should pay for that as it's preventative. I don’t think that is usual. Our Social Services don’t pay

Greenfairydust · 26/03/2023 14:24

I think you need to be realistic OP and accept that the current situation is not going to work.

You need to get back to having a life and a job and move back into your own home or your own retirement and sanity will be at risk.

Your sister has made it clear she is not able to offer the support you need, so your options:

  • your mother goes into supported living/ a care home
  • you have carers coming in to support her in her home.

You need to inform social services that you can no longer provide care and that they need to assess your mother.

SheilaFentiman · 26/03/2023 14:13

Definitely get the meals on wheels and a cleaner. Then that’s two jobs you don’t need to do and it makes it easier for you to get part time work if someone is sorting her lunch.

BrainOnFire · 26/03/2023 13:34

Your sister has let you down, OP. But instead of dwelling on your feelings of resentment, put your energies into finding ways to make changes for yourself. You do not have to continue in the position you're currently in.

tootiredtospeak · 26/03/2023 13:21

There is no reason you cannot involve social services and request carers just because you live there. Contact them explain your caring but plan to return to work and they will come and do an assessment and go from there. If you dont go back to work that means when the carers come you can have time to yourself even if it's only a walk or a swim or coffee and cake. You are entitled to a life your DM could live another 10 years. You have done a lovely thing but it's time to admit it's too much. I hope your claiming carers allowance too that 70 a week. Forget your sister you can't control what she does you have asked for help and she has said no she has set her boundaries now you set yours. Things that could help are organise a weekly delivery for food and contact other carers who will be much more sympathetic than the general public. Each council can signpost you to support groups for carers. Also have the RNIB been to see her if not get in touch they have coffee mornings she could go too and they organise transport if needed it could get you both out for a much needed break and to interact with other blind people. The RNIB near us have all sorts excersise classes soup and roll lunches coffee morning ect.

MichelleScarn · 26/03/2023 13:18

Did your sister agree to 24hr live in care week on week off at the start with no end in sight?
I can't imagine many people or their employer agreeing to this?
Also can't imagine many peoples partners being on board with this either!

Original poster
Houseofjoy · 26/03/2023 13:13

MichelleScarn · 26/03/2023 12:03

@Houseofjoy do you accept that your sister doesn't have to help you and your mum in the way your mum demands? You if you want to keep a good relationship with her have to ensure that you acknowledge that the choice of you taking on everything was your and yours DMs choice and it's unfair to resent your dsis for not going along with your plans.

No. If you read the original post you will see that the original plan which was agreed by both myself and my DSis was that we would do a week on and a week off. She didn't deliver that so I had to step in as DM was just out of hospital and needed round the clock care. I resent her for not going along with THE plans that she agreed to. They were not my plans, they were our plans.
Of course she is entitled to say she doesn't want to care for DM. What she is not entitled to do is say she will provide care and then let us down because she decides on a whim to book a holiday, or invite her friends up.
Nor is she entitled to offload off her guilt onto me because I am providing care and she isn't. As others have acknowledged, providing care often means you forge a closer relationship with your charge. One of the upsides of making that choice, But DSis cannot resent me for that.
We all make choices. But we do not make choices within the conditions of our choosing. Our choices are often made within a particular material and financial context and they are always loaded with emotional baggage. My choice would have been to do a week on and a week off and then I could have perhaps kept my job, pension, personal space and house and knowing that my DMs needs were met. But this was taken off the table.

And I no longer wish to have a 'good' relationship with my DSis, if that means I need to provide all the care, not ask for support, not ask her to come and visit my Mum or take her out, and make no demands on her time whatsoever and still have to shoulder her guilt for not looking after my Mum. That is not a good relationship.

OP posts:
Thesharkradar · 26/03/2023 13:00

Your sister has done a number on you it's like the trick they pulled with atlas, he was persuaded to shoulder the burden and having done so they all ran off laughing and he couldnt put it down ...
Well I may not have gotten the mythology details right but your sister knows that you are stuck between a rock and a hard place and it's very difficult for you to have any leverage over your sister

PickleMcPickle · 26/03/2023 12:43

Honestly, I'd be arranging social care and claiming back my life. Social care will take a while to get up and running so start now. I was on a waiting list for care for my profoundly disabled son and it took a very, very long time.
I know that care costs money but don't dedicate your life to preserving an inheritance that you have to share anyway. Accept that your DM's care needs will increase over time and chose to live your life.

MichelleScarn · 26/03/2023 12:03

@Houseofjoy do you accept that your sister doesn't have to help you and your mum in the way your mum demands? You if you want to keep a good relationship with her have to ensure that you acknowledge that the choice of you taking on everything was your and yours DMs choice and it's unfair to resent your dsis for not going along with your plans.

Original poster
Houseofjoy · 26/03/2023 11:15

Huge thanks to the wise folk on this thread.
@Sunshineboo thanks for your honesty and insight. You're right that caring is sometimes the right option and clearly there are benefits to both me and my DM in choosing this option. I sometimes lose sight of this so this is really useful perspective. And having a break will help me to see this a little more clearly and put in measures to prevent future burnout.

@Knotaknitter - I will work on accepting that help will not come from DSis and instead pursue other options. I think this will be beneficial for my mental health in the long run and stop the resentment. Thank you.
And thank you to all of those suggesting I get a PT job. Sage advice indeed which I will follow.

@hattie43 good luck to you and hoping you won't make the same mistakes I have.

xx

OP posts:
BrainOnFire · 26/03/2023 10:07

I also agree with pp that you are giving your mum too many options. Of course she'd prefer to have you there doing everything for her rather than some of the alternatives. You have to put your foot down if necessary.

ModeWeasel · 26/03/2023 10:05

How you feel matters OP, and you matter. Please talk to your GP about your dark thoughts and get some support with your mental health.

MichelleScarn · 26/03/2023 09:57

@Houseofjoy But her care needs are quite strange and specific because of her blindness.
Listen to @coffeecookie and get a social care assessment. It will feel like it to you because you are in the middle of it, but your DMs need are really not hugely out of the ordinary and could be managed with formal carers. A lot of the difficulties seems to be from her reluctance to use required aids or accept appropriate external care.

MichelleScarn · 26/03/2023 09:48

DSis OH thinks DM is too dependent and wants her to get cleaners/meals on wheels etc which my DM doesn't want.

he's right though?

coffeecookie · 26/03/2023 09:48

Attendance Allowance is instead of PIP as in its one or the other so she might be better staying on PIP.

What is her mental capacity like? She's causing a lot of her problems herself by the sounds of it - if she doesn't understand that's one thing but if she's refusing to use a stick because she's stubborn and not because she forgets then it's on her and I'd be having a conversation about taking responsibility for herself!

Does she have a pendant alarm in case of falls? Social services should pay for that as it's preventative.

I'd ask for a social care assessment anyway as we have to assess cater blind then fill in gaps with what you are willing to do if anything.

FWIW my mother is totally blind, she lives at home alone with my sister and I popping in and a carer twice a day. She understands her own capabilities though which helps.

Original poster
Houseofjoy · 26/03/2023 09:45

BrainOnFire · 26/03/2023 09:30

OP, I'm sorry to say this when you're obviously feeling so down, but your sister is basically right. You chose to give up your job and move in with your mum, and if she's still working full time while you're not working then it's not reasonable to share your mother's care one week on, one week off. If you're not happy, you need to move back to your home and/or look for another job.

Could your mum move into a retirement living flat if she's not capable of living on her own? My in laws have done this and it's really good. They were finding that maintaining their own home and garden was too much for them.

Don't cook Christmas dinner for people who don't appreciate it. But by the same token, don't expect your sister to do it either!

I wasn't terribly clear - the original plan when we were both working was one week off, one week on. I am not expecting that now I am not doing paid work. I am simply expecting some/any support. Maybe a weekend off every now and then. Or for DSis to offer to take her out/invite her for tea etc.
What I wasn't expecting was criticism from DSis because I am shouldering all of the care for my DM.
You're right - Xmas dinner at friends will now be booked!

OP posts:
PragmaticWench · 26/03/2023 09:44

There are a lot of people around you saying 'no' to things they don't want, your DSIS saying what she won't do, your DM saying that she won't use aids or care staff visits. What about what you don't want for your life? Nothing about that.

I think your DM is clearly at a point where refusing either care staff to come in, or moving to an assisted care facility, is no longer an option.

Please think about going back to work, even if it takes some time to find the right job. You need to pay into a pension and you need your own life! It doesn't sound as though you are at all happy now, and that's not going to improve if you stay where you are.

Sunshineboo · 26/03/2023 09:43

can you access carers allowance and your mum PIP? both of these things may make it easier on you and allow you to get some relief, even if it is having someone come in for to care for her for a weekend or two so you can get away.

caring is hard but sometimes for a multitude of reasons it is the right option for both parties. if this is, on balance, where you think you are then stick with it, but get as much support financially and from social services as possible.

your sister is clearly feeling guilty. but you can not change her and please do not let her deflect her guilty feelings on you.

i say this as the party who felt pushed out by my sister who was primary carer. i always saw my relative regularly over my life. but worked and could not do the caring. my sister did not work and was skint so took the carers allowance and did washing cleaning etc. over time they got closer and i became more distant.

we had a blow up as i felt pushed out. didn't take me long to realise this was a massive me problem. i hope your sister has the same realisation