Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Elderly parents
Original poster

Reasons one might become 'old before their time?'

33 replies

utopian99 · 19/03/2023 16:05

Not sure if anyone can help. My FIL has quite suddenly (within the last 5 years, not just post covid,) gone from being a normal 60-something to what most people would expect from a much older man. Even my DHs grandmother (FIL's mum,) and aunt (FIL's sister,) have commented on this, so it's not just us.

DH is upset and a bit exasperated by this, I think because he thinks some of it is due to FIL giving up/not trying to be and MIL is obviously taking a fair bit of the brunt of it, as she's found herself slipped into slightly more of a caring position when no one expects this for a 69 year old.

I wonder however if there could be something diagnosable behind it (and if so, possibly something treatable?) It's been a pretty fast change, which is why I wonder. My mother developed a thyroid problem in her 50s which made her really tired, among other symptoms, but once diagnosed and operated on went straight back being a normal, healthy, active person - literally within a couple of weeks.

Am I being mad/is this wishful thinking? Who or what would you ask if trying to check?

OP posts:
thedevilinablackdress · 19/03/2023 17:48

Eyesight will be a big part of I reckon. DM got a new lease of life after cataract surgery.
Hearing is also one to check on.

Original poster
utopian99 · 19/03/2023 17:18

MumOf2workOptions · 19/03/2023 16:09

I'm so sorry to read this
I'd get him to the GP and have some bloods done and check infection markers etc...
hopefully you get an answer soon

He's been diagnosed with a few physical things, not sure if we should suggest checking for something else? What are blood markers? Is that very intrusive though? They're quite traditional and self respecting people and don't like fuss and I really wouldn't want to overstep either..

OP posts:
Original poster
utopian99 · 19/03/2023 17:14

HappyHamsters · 19/03/2023 16:16

Has anyone spoken to fil and said they are concerned about him, has he seen a doctor. If he is depressed and your dh thinks he has given up then both he and mil need his help and support.many people much younger than your mil take on a caring role.

I wondered if it could be a depression onset, but it's hard to know how to suggest looking into that. I don't feel it's my place? DH has spoken to his mum about what might help with other physical health issues but so far not about anything regarding mental state. I think it feels like a taboo in lots of families, tbf, so is tricky.

We try to make sure we arrange to see them regularly and DH phones and we both WhatsApp lots for general chit chat etc. We live 2 hours drive away (each way,) so tend to go up for a weekend or have them to ours, but are wondering if that's tiring and it would be better for us to drive up say on a Fri evening, have a whole day on Saturday and then come home late so as not to stay all weekend. Or have them to ours so we can do the cooking/entertaining etc but that means a drive for them, so again not sure of best strategy.

OP posts:
Original poster
utopian99 · 19/03/2023 16:57

whatwasIgoingtosay · 19/03/2023 16:14

It could be the onset of dementia, or maybe depression. My late FIL became very 'old' after he retired, then was asked to help out with meals on wheels and it gave him a new lease of life - being out in the community, talking to others less fortunate than him and being seen as helpful. Maybe he just needs a useful purpose in life. 🙏

We wondered about this, it has set in since he retired. MIL has tried really hard to involve him in her hobbies though, and DH and I have tried to be encouraging in anything that might be something to get engaged in, but he doesn't seem to have something that could be that engaging. That being said, his eyesight has deteriorated and that doesn't help. He's going to have cataract surgery soon which will hopefully make a big difference to that aspect, so hopefully will help.

OP posts:
MichelleScarn · 19/03/2023 16:25

Are they isolating themselves and feeling low, or just wanting to be 'looked after' so everyone else running around after them?

HappyHamsters · 19/03/2023 16:16

Has anyone spoken to fil and said they are concerned about him, has he seen a doctor. If he is depressed and your dh thinks he has given up then both he and mil need his help and support.many people much younger than your mil take on a caring role.

whatwasIgoingtosay · 19/03/2023 16:14

It could be the onset of dementia, or maybe depression. My late FIL became very 'old' after he retired, then was asked to help out with meals on wheels and it gave him a new lease of life - being out in the community, talking to others less fortunate than him and being seen as helpful. Maybe he just needs a useful purpose in life. 🙏

MumOf2workOptions · 19/03/2023 16:09

I'm so sorry to read this
I'd get him to the GP and have some bloods done and check infection markers etc...
hopefully you get an answer soon