Reasons one might become 'old before their time?'

"growing" bonsai trees They do grow, you know! Else why would they need pruning every year?

My DH is 72 and struggles because his diary is so full, with voluntary work, theatre and friendships being some of those commitments. During lockdown, he became a grumpy, inactive old man. He’s much happier and pleasant to be around when he is engaged with Life.

I can’t help but feel sorry for your MIL. Why is it her job to get him out and engaged with her social engagements? It must be really hard for her so I can see why your DH is concerned about his lovely mum. You are both (OP and your DH) clearly great people.

There’s no doubt that retirement is a big change of lifestyle and if you don’t have hobbies or friendships outside of work, or a curiosity about life and places, then of course it’s going to be a huge vacuum.

I agree with pps about medical checks and that the eye surgery will hopefully give him a boost of confidence. I assume that this has stopped him from being able to drive and thus be independent?

I hope to goodness it's a choice on one hand and on the other am horrified that late 60s is being whispered as ancient on this thread.

DH and I are nearly 62 and 63 respectively. We both still work full-time and have interests. Opera, theatre, gardening, our home in France, books. We are starting Mrs Dalloway next week and planning a walk through her London haunts in a week or two.

I visited mother and step yesterday. 86 and 78 respectively. Both have had their cataracts done in the last five years and rave about it. Mother still drives, step plays golf, off 4, three times a week. Step was gardening when we arrived and has started "growing" bonsai trees as an extra interest. They played zoom.bridge throughout covid and mother had zoom coffee mornings - they all delivered cake to each other on the designated morning. MIL struggled more in covid but was widowed 15 years ago and never so sociable. She has Parkinson's but is still quite nimble.

Providing the body is willing age is a state of mind. I really hope our DC (28 and 24) don't think of us as decrepit.

Obviously no one can diagnose from what you've said here but he definitely needs to get to doctor..

DH started seeming "old" in his early 50s. I "joked" about him being old and unfit, needing a nap in the afternoon, groaning when he had to bend down. He died from cancer at 54.

My Dad is similar (although 79) he has aged dramatically since his prostate cancer diagnosis. A cancer which was only found through investigation for something else.

Some older people do take on that "old person" role and expect to be pandered to. The best thing to go is not pander! My parents made quite a thing out of certain things being "too much" for them when DD was born 16 years ago... My mum was only 60!! I realise looking back she could have contributed a lot more than she did do but used the "I'm too old" thing as an excuse to not help. She retired aged 55. I'm going to be working until I'm 70!

They're in their 70s and 80s now and fully expect to be looked after.. When they arrive they sit and are waited on to the point if they need a knife to cut some cheese or something they won't go to the cutlery drawer and get it they'll sit and stare at the cheese and wait for me to get it. I'm always exhausted by the time they leave. They've even admitted they won't go out for meals but like coming to mine as it's like being in a restaurant! They won't meet me anywhere like an NT property or a garden centre to save me constantly cooking as they say it's "too much" for them and they'd rather relax in my nice house. They manage their hobbies and activities however. It's always mine rather than my sisters house as well.

Totally! I had a dementia-like moment yesterday when my brain misinterpreted a change of surface as being an actual step and it nearly caused me to trip. I used to work with someone who had had Parkinsons from young age, and he was telling me how much difficulty he had with these raised bobbly strips they put so those with severe sight impairments can recognise where the road crossings are. His brain could not make sense of them, and it sometimes took so long to persuade it to move his legs that he missed the "green man" completely and had to wait till the next one. So anything, physical or mental, which interferes with your visual perception can really affect your moement.

@MereDintofPandiculation that's sort of what i meant you worded it better, but untreated hearing loss is a risk and the decrease in social activity that comes with it can lead to withdrawal anxiety depression etc

to be honest if I couldn't see my own feet properly I would be nervous about walking and vertainly wouldn't be going on uneven ground etc but hopefully once eye surgery done that confidence with mobility will return

free loss of hearing can lead to dementia According to my audiologist, the mechanism is that uncorrected loss of hearing leads to social withdrawal which in turn raises risk of dementia. So no need to be afraid of getting a hearing test, because it can be corrected and thus reduce the dementia risk.

Hearing, because you don’t recognise you’re losing your hearing. I still have to stick my fingers in my ears to see if I have my hearing aids, and I have “moderate” hearing loss. It’s confined to the high frequencies, though, so general noise I can hear as well as ever. I just can’t hear “s” and “t” and similar in speech. With DH, my brain interpolates, when I’m in a group it’s easier to let the conversation wash over me.

I only discovered my deafness because I realised if I rubbed my fingers together beside one ear I could hear it, but not behind the other. I could have gone another five years without either me or my family noticing

My dad did this. Retired at 65, having worked since 14. Announced he was now an old man and pretty much never did anything ever again. I’m quite sure it was linked to depression as he’d suffered all his life but of course didn’t seek treatment or do anything to address it. Latterly had vascular dementia and died at 82.

My husband and I have a fairly active hobby which is popular with older people. We’re in our 60s but socialise regularly with people in their 80s and 90s who are intellectually sharp and physically active. Infirmity and ill health can creep up on you, no question, but there a much greater chance of living better and longer if you engage with the world.

if he can't see properly that will of course affect mobility as he can't see where he is going as well and will be nervous of falling tripping, all of which make you look and feel more vulnerable / elderly
most adults over 60 have some hearing loss so if he is missing bits of conversation it makes life less social, how long till cataract op, if ages is there any way they can afford to get it done privately
once eyes sorted a hearing test, specsavers do them for free loss of hearing can lead to dementia

This technique for sorting FIL will sound awful but bear with me. It works.

Do not - at all costs - pander to the inactivity. Don’t make the extra effort yourselves and try and persuade MIL to stop busting a gut waiting on him hand and foot.

Why? So you can tell whether he’s unable (Dementia/disease/needs doc) or unwilling (fixable without doc) to cope. A doc needs this info too.

Ideally take MIL away for weekend and see if FIL survives. If she won’t go, do your best to find out why.

We had to do this in our family cos DF was getting so idle we really wondered if he was losing his mind, but like FIL he was too young for dementia so that didn’t make sense.

We were foxed and the care withdrawal cleared things up.

Turned out DF could cope a lot better than he let on - but some things went bizarrely wrong. After pushing and going private, family were told DF had a brain disease that causes apathy and lack of empathy, so he was fine using his DW as a slave. (it’s pretty rare, luckily for you).

Good luck.

I think a lot of successful men find retirement strips them of their identity. Often they were so busy being successful that they've woefully neglected the rest of their lives. And so suddenly they become nothing, with no interests, no friends and nothing much to do. It ages them fast.

My parents (late 60s) have a lifestyle more like people in their 80s and have done so for a few years now. Partly it is due to my mothers disability (however that is complicated as her lifestyle makes her less mobile/healthy alongside her disability). I think most of it though is down to them just having absolutely no interests or motivation to DO anything. I find it really sad. They waited to retire and now all they do is watch TV all day and occasionally go out for tea somewhere. They both seem absolutely miserable and unfulfilled.

I think you can check FILs health, ask how he is generally etc. ultimately though if it is just a choice then you can’t do anything:

Is it linked to retirement?
Did he have hobbies interests that he did pre retirement that he could continue or was his lifestyles focused around work/a working week?

Is he happy with his life as it is? Perhaps he thinks that as he's worked all his life (I assume he has) and is now retired, he doesn't need or want to do anything much. He's earned a rest. Let him decide how to spend his retirement. Not everyone wants to go out and have hobbies

How is he getting old? Is he sitting around all day? 69 isn’t that young. Does he seem
happy?