Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Elderly parents
Original poster

How do I forgive my parents for my childhood?

68 replies

mammatilly · 08/03/2023 19:57

My father was violent, very violent
He had no patience,, even small misbehavours his father was violent to him so it was following that pattern
My mither stood by and watched
I became angry and rebellious
I self harmed - cutting, overdose, even broke my own wrist
I screwed up all my gcses and left school at 16
They let me go out with a 22 year old when I was 15
They gave up on me

Luckily I made it through
But i had several violent relationships until I found meditation, therapy, and then university as mature student etc

What a miracle

Now I parent my children properly

How do I forgive them? It gets harder as my kids get older and I see the heartbreak of childhood.

I can't ask people in realife. I'm ashamed of my childhood and my parents.

OP posts:
BlueSeaWave · 08/03/2023 22:01

Everything you have described is huge abuse, both physical and mental. Well don’t for seeing it wand changing that. It’s no excise if that’s how they were parented, they knew right from wrong.

You don’t owe them forgiveness, nothing. They are just piling it on thinking they want care in their old age. Fuck them. Don’t care for them, nothing. Go NC and enjoy your children.

Beamur · 08/03/2023 22:00

I think you only really achieve mutual forgiveness when the other person acknowledges what they did and is genuinely sorry and you all move towards a different future.
Ultimately though you can forgive someone for how they have treated you - this is for your own benefit and it takes away the power that others have over you.
Your parents don't accept they did anything wrong. You know differently. I'd stay NC if I were you. Well done for breaking the pattern.

Hollyhocksandlarkspur · 08/03/2023 21:59

When you say you feel you haven’t accepted it OP surely it’s right that we none of us accept abuse is something to just be forgotten. It is completely and utterly wrong and still feels wrong however old we are. Maybe a good therapist can help you process and come through to a more resilient place I don’t know? But whatever happens you are an absolute legend for coming through and making your life good and breaking that appalling chain. Sending the best of good wishes to you and your lovely brand new family.

NCGrandParent · 08/03/2023 21:58

@mammatilly This stuck out to me: I thought I had a big enough heart to accept that they are products of their upbringing

It sounds to me like you understand them rather well and that you can accept they are products of their upbringing.

Moving from that understanding to forgiveness is NOT a natural progression. And I would say is likely not healthy, truthful or useful to you.

You are currently parenting your inner child as well as your own children. I have enormous respect for this loving act. Thank you for your bravery and strength.
^^
^^

TattyDevine · 08/03/2023 21:58

You don't have to forgive. You can try to understand- in your own time, as an educational subject, if you choose to study it.

But you have your own life now, so that choice is yours to make or reject or leave for another day 🙂

Panpig · 08/03/2023 21:58

Don't forgive them. Cut them out of your life completely. You are better than them, and it takes courage to walk away, but you will be doing the right thing. You don't owe them anything. Please put yourself first OP from now on

totallyoutnumbered · 08/03/2023 21:53

So your Mum gaslights you? The abuse continues. My Dad broke the cycle. He never forgave but lives the fullest life well into his 80s and has been my hero my whole life and to my kids in turn. I'm sorry op 😞

Original poster
mammatilly · 08/03/2023 21:49

Yes I am getting ready to walk away

OP posts:
Original poster
mammatilly · 08/03/2023 21:48

I don't forgive

But I treat them lovingly and decently as though it never happened

Because I can't bear the truth that it did

OP posts:
CaveatmTOR · 08/03/2023 21:44

One day soon, wake up, get the sun on your face and decide to live the rest of your life without seeing them ever again.

I would never be able to forgive that level of abuse - Fucking hell!

Original poster
mammatilly · 08/03/2023 21:43

That's what she always said
what she still says

I don't know if he hits her
But he shows her his temper

I wonder if she regrets her marriage

OP posts:
Original poster
mammatilly · 08/03/2023 21:41

I confronted him in first year of becoming a parent myself my child was born

He said he didn't remember everything
He said sorry if he upset me
My mother said we must forgive and forget

OP posts:
Alpiniste · 08/03/2023 21:39

What are they like now? If you let them know with haughty disdain that they were awful parents what they say. What would he say if you stood up to him and confronted him with the reality of his temper?

Matlab · 08/03/2023 21:33

Ok, definitely sounds bad enough for no contact

Enthrallingstoryofstillness · 08/03/2023 21:33

mammatilly · 08/03/2023 21:31

Is that abuse ?

It's horrendous abuse xxx

Original poster
mammatilly · 08/03/2023 21:31

Is that abuse ?

OP posts:
neitherofthem · 08/03/2023 21:31

Matlab · 08/03/2023 21:27

Did your dad actually abuse you, or was it a case of you harbouring resentment as to the person you parents made you into, and the path they sent you down?

It actually says in the OP that her father was very violent.

WoeBeCome · 08/03/2023 21:31

Have a look at the book Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents. You might find some of it helpful.

You are still thinking as though you can fix the relationship on your own. You still are feeling the responsibility of making things better. I wonder if you did that as a child at all? The onus is on them to make it better, not for you to somehow become a ‘better’ person by suppressing your anger and forgiving them. You can be true to yourself in how you feel about them.

Original poster
mammatilly · 08/03/2023 21:30

He assaulted me violently numerous times from young age - hit my arm with huge stick, banged head against wall, hit me with all his might..... many times ..... chased me screaming anger as I ran in terror

OP posts:
Matlab · 08/03/2023 21:27

Did your dad actually abuse you, or was it a case of you harbouring resentment as to the person you parents made you into, and the path they sent you down?

NeverDropYourMooncup · 08/03/2023 21:25

You don't have to forgive them.

Icy cold contempt or sheer indifference to any unpleasantness in their situation is perfectly acceptable in the circumstances.

Original poster
mammatilly · 08/03/2023 21:23

Yes exactly I have done it - why didn't they??? That's what makes me angry and sad - they ate educated intelligent people and yet simply didn't do the work.

OP posts:
fdgdfgdfgdfg · 08/03/2023 21:19

I'm another one to ask why you need to forgive them?

Well done for breaking the cycle. You've shown that it can be done, so why didn't they do it?

You owe your parents nothing, have the relationship with them that benefits you, even if that relationship is no relationship.

allthegearandnoideaatall · 08/03/2023 21:13

Sending solidarity and love 💛

Ladybug14 · 08/03/2023 21:10

@mammatilly - it can take decades to find peace after suffering childhood abuse. Sometimes it's not possible to reach that plave of acceptance, forgiveness and peace

None of this turmoil is your fault

But if you want to understand it more and try to find peace with it, try some therapy. Maybe talking therapy?