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Elderly parents
Original poster

I’m a new sandwich - any advice

54 replies

SadSandwich · 06/03/2023 10:44

My DM is early 80’s and moved into an over 50s place about 15mins away. I have 2 teenagers, full time job, DH and we have never had any help. No family local so this is a shock. I don’t really get on with DM and over the years have maintained low contact mainly for my mental well-being. DM is overly critical, can be harsh and moans at everything. Worse that she gossips about us siblings.

What is life going to be like with her here. How many times do I have to visit? Do I have to do activities, but the shopping? How do I maintain privacy and not be the subject of her gossip? I have no idea what to do. And totally pissed off that now the kids are at an age where I finally have more freedom, DM moves down - she is unable to walk far so shopping, walks - all need support. Any advice or have you been there? I really am sad about it if I’m honest.

OP posts:
DPotter · 06/03/2023 11:00

Continue as you are - low contact.

You don't have to get involved with her at all - it's perfectly fine not to be at her beck and call. She's in an environment where there is probably a warden / house manager who can point her in the right direction for GPs, etc. The facility will run social things and there'll be her neighbours for company. If you've never had the type of relationship where you pop around for coffee or go shopping, there is no need to start now. You can be open with her if you wish, or can just leave as is.

Things you don't have to do
take her shopping every week
have her over for lunch every sunday
drop in for coffee after work a couple of evenings a week
take her for appointment to GPs / hospital / chiropodists
tell her any of your family's business

You get the idea

Makegoodchoices · 06/03/2023 10:58

Get shopping delivered, try and condense needs into a regular slot of time and then think of it as charity work. One of my friends does a few hours a week at a food bank, my hours are social care for my mum.

thedevilinablackdress · 06/03/2023 10:51

Has she moved with the expectation you will do more for her? Have you discussed it?
There is no set number of times you have to visit, or support you 'must' provide.
Keep your interactions short, get her shopping delivered, don't give her any info to gossip with.

Chasingsquirrels · 06/03/2023 10:48

If you are low contact, wouldn't you just continue that?
What do you feel it is your job to support her now?