I’m a new sandwich - any advice

That's just unfortunate. If we all want to live till 101 the mental health of the physical working population bringing up families and holding down jobs takes priority. We don’t all want to live to 101. Opinion polls repeatedly show that we want to live while we are in good health with friends and family around us, and we want to be allowed to die once we are no longer in good health. At the moment too many of us are being forced to live when we no longer wish to, and paying for the “privilege“.

I’m not saying children should bear the burden of their parents’ decline. Just challenging the statement so often repeated “we scrimp and save so we can look after ourselves in old age”. I think most people’s idea of “saving for old age” is framed around being able to continue with hobbies or go on holiday (and leaving the house to the kids), not saving to spend £50000 a year vegetating in a care home.

That's just unfortunate. If we all want to live till 101 the mental health of the physical working population bringing up families and holding down jobs takes priority.

That generation can be very unwilling to spend money.
But set up the local taxi service, ?cleaner, ? visits with the other residents, make sure you have the timetable of what's on and when to inform her, there will maybe be bingo etc
Food can be delivered surely.
My DM wanted lots of trips out into the local town so she can chat to people she meets I would do this twice a week but wasn't working.

My advice is: don't do it...

If you have a difficult parent who you don't have a good relationship you should not be pushed into becoming the main carer by default.

If your parent is in supported housing she can also arrange for carers to come in if she needs additional help.

I think women really need to build better boundaries rather than just accept they should always care for everyone but never put their own physical and mental health first.

So put your boundaries in place from the start: you have a job and a family of your own and you won't be able to provide support beyond a social visit if your relationship with your mother means you are OK doing that.

if not you will end up miserable and exhausted with no life for the foreseeable future.

And there is the counter argument that being able to look forward to the next visit is reassuring, and far preferable to them wondering whether when if ever they will see you again. I suspect a compromise of never setting a routine, but making a definite arrangement. It’s easier to cope with missing someone if you know when they will return.

It soon becomes irrelevant with dementia. Time sense goes very quickly.

My tip:
Never do anything on the same day two weeks running. It is easy to accidentally set up an expectation that ‘We/you always do xxx on a yyyy’.

I visit my mum in a care home at competely random days and times.

Do what you can while preserving your sanity and energy. We had this with DF, started LC and ended up NC as it was too emotionally and physically draining. There’s a lifelong backstory to why we went NC but I am an only child and wanted to do my best for DF so we did what we could for as long as we could. In the end it was damaging my marriage and harming DCs. Don’t rule out some counselling - the guilt is horrible but one thing I’ve learned from haunting the elderly threads on here for a long time is there are two tests for how much you can give to a parent in this position - firstly, were they a good parent to you? If not, you owe them nothing. Secondly, if you do choose to help, how can you give without harming your own life? Solidarity 💐

A battle scarred sandwich veteran here- 15 years and counting. Brilliant advice here- come over to the cockroach cafe to meet like minded souls. Bad daughter bench is always busy but always room for more……good daughter room a bit dusty and empty.
it took cancer to shift the balance for me- please don’t follow suit.
Facilitate, don’t do…… cleaning/ shopping/ etc etc. and the longer elderlies can be independent the better.
Excellent advice re FOG. Manage expectations and DO NOT feel obliged due to others who have ideas about what you “ought” to do.

Yep, much solidarity.

People look at these questions with their own experiences & if they have loving, warm, supportive parents, they don't really understand why this is such a scary prospect.

You can have boundaries but if they are trampled on & you're made to feel bad for even having them, it's really hard.

Distance really helps. Interestingly, my siblings are far closer but have much better boundaries. They remain low contact.

Annalisa Barbieri's podcast on talking to difficult parents is really good. Well worth a listen. 👍

So she lived nearer your sibling before, they're low contact too and your DM has taken it upon herself to move very close to where you live without any discussion? In effect she has decided that you'll be the one on hand to help her in old age. A bit sneaky that! I imagine she'll be on the phone asking you to do all sorts of stuff so have a good think now about what you will and won't be prepared to do and communicate that to her. Perhaps help her out initially to sort things e.g online shopping but then step back.

I would follow suit, move without telling her 🤷
Easier said than done of course, she can't make decisions about your life and how you spend your time, you don't have to do anything different.

I have no idea what to do.

Don't panic, you do what you've been doing for years. You prioritise yourself, and have great boundaries.

Yes this is a shift in terms of her proximitiy and life stage, but just make sure you start as you mean to go on and don't set up routines that you're not going to be happy with continuing. If you're there and she starts to speak out of turn, stand up and get your coat on and say you must be off! You're close enough so you can pop in and pop out, when it suits you.

The accommodation set up should be fairly sociable, online shopping once a week, just continue the arms length, you did the hard work years ago going low contact initially.

Don't do anything rash. Have a few days to process and discuss with DH and decide what you want to do. You don't have to do anything and anything supportive or helpful you do today will be expected tomorrow. I'm not saying to not support her at all but decide what your boundaries are and what level of visiting/support you can sustain for the next few years and start as you mean to go on.

She made the decision to move. She will have support as part of her 'accommodation'..
Nothing has to change in your relationship or contact with her.
If she is as malignant as you say people will soon suss her out.
You carry on as normal with the family you have who love you.
Stay strong.

I've been a sandwhich for about a year. Whatever level of contact you choose to have (I have a bet good relationship with DM and do all the domestic things you've been advised against!), please make sure you have time for yourself. I have a hobby that to do for about 2 hours a week, first thing on a Saturday. It gets me out, it refreshes my mind and body and I return mentally stronger to deal with everybody and everything.

Just choose what you're willing to do and don't deviate from it. There are resources out there to make life easier

This is what we 'scrimp and save' for all our lives. To buy in help and care as needed when older and leave our busy adult DC with jobs and families of their own to enjoy the prime of their lives. This is often said on here, but I don’t think it’s necessarily true for the older generation. You scrimp and save so you can pass on something substantial to your children or to your grandchildren. So anything you spend on yourself on daily living tasks that you’ve been used to doing yourself is whittling away at your children’s inheritance. And that upsets yourself esteem.

Jesus wept. My mother fed, clothed, housed and took me to activities. She also hit me, degraded me and controlled me.

People really do reap what they sow. Nobody goes low contact with a mother who has been loving and caring.

OP, when your Mother has moved too will have a shopping and cleaning service that she can tap into. There will also be cooked meals.

If it doesn't then she needs to move again to a place that does.

Giving birth to a child and looking after it is not something that is done in the expectation that the child has an obligation to look after you in the future. It is not a debt to be repaid.

The OP's mother is difficult and unpleasant. It is hard enough supporting an elderly family member without that as well.

Why should she do any liaising? It's up to her and the siblings whether they do anything.

You choose to have children and bring them up. That's not in the expectation they'll care for you when they're old. It's just what you do by choosing to have a child. You don't choose to have nasty parents.

You don't have to do anything.

But she did everything for you as a baby/toddler/child/growing up - I presume?

Just very sad that everyone is saying she's reaped what she's sown.

I would liase with your siblings and set out expectations for everyone to help and try to buy in as much support as possible. Are your siblings close by? Where has your mother moved down from, how far away? Any other family who could help?

Don't do any more than you do now.

Does she keep ringing you up, asking you to do things for her?

Teenagers don't need to be doing her hoovering. Surely she wouldn't have her GC doing that! She can pay for a cleaner. This is what we 'scrimp and save' for all our lives. To buy in help and care as needed when older and leave our busy adult DC with jobs and families of their own to enjoy the prime of their lives.
Cleaners, gardeners, local handymen, pharmacy delivery, online shopping, taxis, carers etc etc. The rainy day is now here.