The Cockroach Cafe 🪳 Spring 2023

It's just so difficult, I feel sick just thinking about it. My DSis & DM are both very volatile people, rational discussion with them is very difficult.

I think you have to agree with her (partly) on this, TBH:

She was very upset and said "I devoted my life to you all, gave up things, now no one wants me".

saying (you and dsis) “we love you but it is no longer possible to live with dsis as it is too much. We need to find an alternative and a care home where we could both visit would be the best long term option”

I don't underestimate the stress my sister is under. How though, do you persuade an iron willed elderly person to go into a care home?

Completely agree re respite care. Your DSis isn’t coping and honestly, a house with that many adults sounds a lot for everyone’s nerves.

Looking after an adult is very different to looking after children, who are (a) light enough to move around when they are most dependent and (b) who become more, not less dependent as time goes one.

If your mum has cognitive decline but not AD, moving to a home whilst she can still “learn” new things eg where the lounge and garden are or whatever would probably be good too, long term.

and it would be less distressing all round.

@TheIoWfairy ❤️

DM owns a bungalow - 3 hours drive away which I've been organising house clearance for. The situation where she's living now is complicated - brother in law's brother - in his 70s, also lives there & it's his house. I don't know what would happen if he died - presumably his children would inherit & DSis & family could be turfed out.

I have thought about sheltered accommodation- there are some reasonably close to where I live. DM would be on her own there but I could visit. I even thought about moving her back to her bungalow, tho that's horribly impractical and I wouldn't be able to "pop over" if things went wrong.

Respite care is a good idea to cool things off a bit, maybe. I don't really know how to go about finding it. I also worry because DSis is "the boss" and tho lots of things are left to me - sorting out bungalow, trying to get her hearing aid fixed (the latest problem), she also gets very annoyed if people go above her head, as it were.

Respite care a very good suggestion.

Oh @MissMarplesNiece that sounds an awful situation for your dm.
who owns the house? Does she have a care assessment? Attendance allowance? Social worker input? Sounds almost or possibly a safeguarding referral.
are thee sheltered accommodation/ extra care options near you?

I'd investigate respite care and urgently reassess the whole situation. This affects everyone.

I really don't know what to do. I'm at the end of my tether.

My mother - late eighties, very needy & dependent, imo some cognitive decline but not dementia, very physically infirm - lives with DSis, BiL & 3 adult grandchildren (ages 24 to 32).

It's been getting increasingly tense in the house. DSis has no patience - with anyone not just DM. The house is a total mess, no one does any cleaning tidying etc. When I wanted to give DM a bath I had to go buy cleaner & cloths etc to clean it. DM has urinary incontinence & a commode in her room. Day to day DM needs help with medication, brushing her hair. She washes herself, empties her own commode etc. She can make tea, a sandwich etc but couldn't make a meal. Refuses to use walking frame and has fallen a couple of times.

DSis has mentioned before she can't put up with DMs "neediness" and wants her to go to a care home.

Yesterday I went to visit DM. I'd hardly put my foot through the door when my nephew was telling me DM had to go to care home, she needs full time care. Was pretty p'ed off - she doesn't need full time care. Except for the couple of things I've mentioned she is fairly self-sufficient. Turns out she'd asked nephew to put her hair in pony tail.

Broached subject of care home with DM . She was very upset and said "I devoted my life to you all, gave up things, now no one wants me".

DM has been on the phone upset this evening. Apparently DSis had screamed at her "the sooner you die, the better".

I don't know what to say, what to do. Imo she'd be better off out of the house where she is definitely psychologically neglected and receives only basic care, but she reiterated tonight that she won't go in a care home. I live in a 1 bed, first floor flat so unless DM slept on sofa she can't come here. I totally understand that she's a difficult person, always has been, and living with her is not easy. I sometimes lose my cool with her when she's being demanding, but I would never scream "the sooner you die the better" at an elderly lady.

@Newmum738, how upsetting, I feel that one too.
My dad, an articulate and intelligent man, started losing speech early in his dementia and it still breaks my heart to remember finding the 'word a day' dictionaries etc he had been studying in the early stages of his decline 💔
I loved every version of him, even the one who couldn't quite remember my name 😢

Really wish I’d known this

That’s really helpful to know, thank you

We found the house clearance company would keep to one side things like photos, documents etc whilst clearing the rest of the chaos so didn't have to worry about missing something.

Ah it's a picture it won't let me add for some reason. A book called 'learn to remember' 😢

The task of clearing my mum's house to get her moved is very overwhelming. She and my Dad have so much stuff!! It's also a real lesson because others don't value it and you can't take it with you!! When I started clearing to get the house ready for sale, I found this in my mum's things 😢!!

I suppose I'm lucky that both my parents and ILs moved from our childhood homes many years ago. Sorting stuff is bad enough without the additional memory overload.

I’m still completely broken from clearing my mum & dads place after moving them in to assisted living. Mum is a hoarder. It was so sad that there were corners of her bedroom that she’d never looked at or cleaned. I had to pick things up with one hand, with a mini vac in the other hand to prevent the gigantic dust bunnies attacking me. A whole fridge (unplugged but still sealed) of ice tea bottles that had fermented. Exploding, swollen cans of ‘god knows what’ that nearly took my eye out when touched.
The saddest thing was figuring out that she must have given up a very long time ago…perhaps in the mid 1980s. Her and my athsmatic dad living in those conditions for decades - and very odd how once they’d moved, she just forgot and let go of all the stuff, while I spent months sorting through it all like some unpaid worker. I wish I’d discarded everything and let a clearance company come and do the dirty work. I’m not even sure it was worth it for the family photographs, but perhaps with time I’ll change my mind on that. It’s still pretty raw right now. Literally waiting for the house auction to finish on Monday. I really can’t wait to see the back of my childhood home!

I dread to think what I'm going to do with all my nans 'stuff'. I like the idea of taking photographs for memories without having to keep it all! Just had a tearful phone call, rushed round to find it was because her TV had gone wrong. I've already been round today on my lunch break. Kept calm, fixed it, made her a cup of tea and biscuits and now home. I've worked a 10 hour day today so really really need my bed tonight.

Thoughts with those clearing family homes, emotional and tiring. I still remember going to my grandmothers house after her funeral and no one could speak. She had lived there since she was married at 19, brought up her boys, lost her husband and married again.…. the memories stay, especially if shared regularly.

@MereDintofPandiculation that is the question I should likely ask. I can’t believe it was all her meds which is concerning too as she has ‘blood thinners’ and one less important med too. So I hope she had already taken those. I will quietly ask the staff when we visit, although sadly no improvement in her behaviour and confusion atm. So not sure if she still has a UTI or not.

I am being over sensitive I think, this basically kind relative had points to make/requests for MiL and I felt somehow as if DH and I were neglecting our roles. Even before MiL’s diagnosis I was her main support, there is so much the family were unaware of but I didn’t feel I needed to tell - funny going through paperwork and finding notes I had written for her; and mine and DH phone number all over the place on scraps of paper, hospital letters, in drawers and bags etc. I sent a letter to the doctor that led to the appointment and referral and dementia diagnosis. MiL asked me to sit in at every hospital visit, even when I didn’t want to, even when she was examined; including her sending a doctor to get me to join her behind curtain in a full ward of ill people the middle of Covid. (I should not have been there.). I have washed soiled clothes and bed linen that the Carers left on the kitchen floor, been told I am ‘not a good DiL’ by MiL a few months ago (In her mind MiL thinks she should be living with me and I should be her full time carer).

I have my parent alive and in their mid 80s and see less of them….

SW has duty of care not family, and that feels like a relief - but during the last 18 years I have spent more time with MiL than anyone else. I took her for coffees, IKEA trips with the children in tow😁, always to us for Xmas with lifts home, DS took her for big shops, etc etc. I say things about her friends and life and DH says ‘I didn’t know that’…. And I am nagging DH to make regular contact with SW - SS won’t talk to non family, but DH often has to ask me for info. I am taking big steps back to let the experts in the nursing home get on, very different from the Carers who left much work to be done ! I would prefer it if all family did the same I suppose. I see our role now akin to the grandparent who gets to spoil their grandchild, albeit this grandchild is having a few tantrums atm.