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Elderly parents
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The Cockroach Cafe 🪳 Spring 2023

971 replies

MereDintofPandiculation · 02/03/2023 09:21

Welcome! I’ve done a really good clean of the place overnight, and brought in daffodils from the garden to remind us all that spring is around the corner and better times on the way.

Come in when you want to share good news, or to rant, or to ask a small question that doesn't warrant its own thread. Or just to hang out with others who understand what you're going through.

For newbies: why cockroach? Previous long term resident of "Elderly Parents" Yolo's DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. Her ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. So 🪳 mes amis/amies, and may you all live to fight another day.

OP posts:
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IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere · 16/04/2023 11:10

@Juneday I'm in Wales so probably not comparable but it was agreed between the hospital, Social Worker, mum and me that she would try a home "for a little while" in the middle of August. The first home came up at the beginning of October and I said no because I have only heard bad things about it locally (even though the inspection report is glowing). Two weeks later a second option came up. Although it is difficult to get to (20 minutes by car/ 2.5 hours by bus / £25 by taxi) we decided to look at it. It was so lovely that we decided to take it even allowing for the inconvenience of having to arrange a lift to visit her.

Those talking about their birthdays being forgotten - that was something that my mum did. She was always generous and would want to buy me anything I mentioned liking or being interested in but I can only say she stopped "thinking about me". In the end it was like I existed just to be a part of her and do her thinking for her. There was no unkindness or nastiness - just no thought that I was a separate person.

I saw her on Friday for the first time for a month - a combination of Covid/my cousin isolating prior to surgery and my other source of transport going away. But I was shocked by her deterioration. Her left hand has been very curled up and claw like but a month ago she could use her thumb and two fingers on her right hand to pick sweets out of a tub. This week she could not feed herself at all. She couldn't hold a biscuit or pick up a sweet - but still devoured the bar of chocolate and half an Easter egg!

Original poster
MereDintofPandiculation · 16/04/2023 10:54

instead will contact council first, I did email them the first time it happened but we have this login which means I can only report if it relates to the property I pay council tax on, clearly a phone call is best. If the Council make it too difficult, try you local Councillor or your mum’s if she is in a different Ward.

OP posts:
funnelfan · 16/04/2023 10:39

do you have access to the carers notes? mums use an electronic system where they log each call, and I have a log in where I can read it.

funnelfan · 16/04/2023 10:36

If your instructions to the carers are not followed then you need to take it up with the Agency and find out why. Building some kind of working relationship with the carers is hugely beneficial all round, it’s a partnership at the end of the day.

Juneday · 16/04/2023 10:22

I leave notes,ignored along with pre pared yea in Tupperware, and bought the cheese straws the Carers suggested, still unopened, but I worry I am micro managing! Thanks for tips about bins, I was a bit surprised the upstairs neighbour didn’t help, we have often helped her! I think she is trying to distance herself in case we ask for more help especially after the screaming she phoned about. I can see it is hard being the neighbour right now. And we wouldn’t dream of asking more anything more than moving the bin 3 feet, instead will contact council first, I did email them the first time it happened but we have this login which means I can only report if it relates to the property I pay council tax on, clearly a phone call is best.

TheShellBeach · 16/04/2023 06:33

Sorry! I meant to tag whoever mentioned delusions of children.

TheShellBeach · 16/04/2023 06:28

That's very common with Lewy Body Dementia.

funnelfan · 16/04/2023 00:35

Mums council offer assisted collections for people who can’t move their own bins. Just got to ring them and let them know. Fortunately she’s never needed it - for years she and dad were the “binfluencers” in the street so the neighbours are paying it back by moving them for her.

regarding the oj - I leave notes for the carers. Last week it was “I’ve bought mums some hot cross buns, please offer them for breakfast or lunch”. They all went and I saw a note from one of her regular carers in the system saying she enjoyed them. I don’t know whether the carers find the notes helpful or think I’m a controlling so and so but they get the job done! I sometimes get different stories from mum and the carers - eg they didn’t give me lunch v she was offered lunch and refused it. I think it’s partially her memory and partially she doesn’t always process properly what they say, particularly if they’re wearing a mask and they’ve got a strong accent.

Juneday · 15/04/2023 19:09

Being realistic and preparing for longish wait. Dropped off food with DH, pre prepared salads not been opened, banana and apple not offered, bin men didn’t collect rubbish because the bin was not near enough to pavement so have had to bring all the rubbish home with us, MiL was asleep and then upset by bad dream and then chatty - very happy to be offered an OJ with straw. Buy them every week but carers don’t offer them. 🤔. She is anxious she owes someone money but we told her ring us if anyone says so. (Don’t think anyone has said so though.). I know money worries are common and it is sad because she gets so anxious.

countrygirl99 · 15/04/2023 18:12

I think it's luck of the draw with funded places. We were lucky with MIL last summer and a place became available in our preferred home within a few days. Which was lucky because FIL died 4 weeks after she went in and spent most of that time in hospital. She couldn't be left at all.

countrygirl99 · 15/04/2023 18:09

@Juneday I work for a bank and this ISA season has been bonkers as it's the first for a long time with decent rates.

SheilaFentiman · 15/04/2023 17:56

No, because Dad is self funded, but it took us a while to be able to move him (essentially, a place only comes up in his area when someone dies, moves in with relatives or goes to a higher level of care, so waiting lists are unpredictable in timing)

Juneday · 15/04/2023 16:25

Anyone experience of waiting list for funded care home places? I have a feeling it will be several weeks - in a London Borough.

Juneday · 15/04/2023 16:16

local branch closed so went for nearest with appointment before May! I was told end of tax year planning taking up appointments. Just as well we have it now as needed to up date before financial assessment form. Form doesn’t allow much room for regular outgoings? Need to find paperwork with increased Council tax on….

not visiting for a few days, MiL eldest son visiting first time in a month tomorrow, will be I interesting to get hear his feedback to DH after - I think I should ask him to put a wash on whilst he is there and hang it up after. 👍

Malbecfan · 15/04/2023 13:15

I just did a walk-in in Dad's local branch of Barclays. We did have to wait, but the lady who booked us in said we could go and do some other errands without losing our place in the queue. When we got back, we went straight up to the waiting area and got chatting to the other punters - it was really good fun. However, this was in S Manchester which is a lot more friendly than where I am now. From arriving at the branch to walking out with it all sorted was just over an hour. I did take my certified copy from the OPG with me which they copied. I went in on 3rd April, the debit cards came on 11th and the PINs on 13th. I need to get a PIN sentry but I'll give them a few more days.

I'm no fan of Barclays - their main Exeter branch almost cost me my house purchase - but Dad's branch is lovely and they were really keen to help.

SheilaFentiman · 15/04/2023 11:58

I doubt it’s intentional, with so many branches closing, any in branch service is going to be under more pressure :(

funnelfan · 15/04/2023 11:39

Mum5net · 15/04/2023 11:28

It will never be a priority, as POA is a sign that the account will close rather than blossom and bring in new business. Eight years ago it was just as bad …. DM received £20 compensation from the bank for all the messing about my DSis and I had.

Very short sighted, as the Attorney themselves will be a potential customer… I think I’ve said elsewhere that I am not a customer of Santander, but my dealings with them while sorting out my mums accounts left me with a very good impression of them.

Mum5net · 15/04/2023 11:28

It will never be a priority, as POA is a sign that the account will close rather than blossom and bring in new business. Eight years ago it was just as bad …. DM received £20 compensation from the bank for all the messing about my DSis and I had.

lazymum99 · 15/04/2023 10:59

Sorry about the picture. Not sure why it did that

lazymum99 · 15/04/2023 10:59

For those of you who registered POA before 2020 but after January 2016 you can get an activation code to use the digital service via gov.uk here
https://www.gov.uk/use-lasting-power-of-attorney
i did this with a POA set up in 2016 and then have used it successfully with DWP, HSBC and Aviva so far. You need to set up a government gateway account and then give whoever a reference number to access the POA

Use a lasting power of attorney

Share a summary of a lasting power of attorney (LPA) with an organisation, add an LPA summary, keep track of which organisations can view an LPA summary.

https://www.gov.uk/use-lasting-power-of-attorney

funnelfan · 15/04/2023 10:50

Chevyimpala67 · 14/04/2023 23:19

I wonder if I should scan the POA?
In case I need to send it elsewhere?
It was done before 2019 so not an online one

I have - I tend to scan any important documents (passports, driving license, wedding certificate etc) and save it on my Dropbox account so if they are lost or destroyed I’ve at least got that copy until I can get a replacement.

countrygirl99 · 15/04/2023 10:45

That's worse than NatWest!

Original poster
MereDintofPandiculation · 15/04/2023 09:56

I do feel PoA should be a bigger priority for banks, luckily we could afford to wait to be paid back, but in total were owed near £500 - that is a big ask just because Barclays had a 7 week wait for verification appointment Things have gone downhill. I’ve always had either an appointment in a few days, or walk in with no appointment, and on the spot verification. Even Barclays

OP posts:
Original poster
MereDintofPandiculation · 15/04/2023 09:53

Chevyimpala67 · 14/04/2023 23:19

I wonder if I should scan the POA?
In case I need to send it elsewhere?
It was done before 2019 so not an online one

You need an authorised copy. Solicitor or Financial Adviser can do it for you. So can the donor if they’re up to it - there’s a stamp you can buy with the form of words and it has to be stamped and signed on every page.

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Newmum738 · 15/04/2023 09:21

DM has been with me for the last 10 days and travelled home yesterday with National Express. She managed to leave the coach without her luggage and then leave her bag in the newsagents. Thankfully she still has her handbag. She is meant to be going in a coach holiday on her own a week on Monday and is really looking forward. WWYD?!!!!!