The Cockroach Cafe 🪳 Spring 2023

I was also at breaking point before this, in a different way. Either way I feel about to break..

Oh @SkeletonGhost I am so sorry to read this. It sounds like you've been through a very bad time emotionally lately - probably for years?

Believe me, you need to get away from your aunt.

I thought I could cope with mine. I was wrong. She denied me food (told me I was fat anyway, so didn't need food) complained about everything I cooked (and I mean everything), told me never to use the washing machine without her permission because she couldn't afford it (which was complete nonsense), turned the TV over when she realised I was watching something - not because she really wanted to watch the other side, but just to be horrible.

It ground me down, until I collapsed in a sobbing heap in the next-door-neighbour's arms, after an appalling shopping trip with my aunt. She went into the house and he came to help me take the shopping out of the boot.

OMG he was so kind. He'd thought that she was delightful but after comforting me for a few minutes (and I felt so stupid afterwards) he got his wife, and they took me into their house for a cup of tea, and told me I should make plans to leave.

There is no need to be abused, just because you're a carer, and if you've got to the point where you're thinking of suicide (I did, too) you absolutely need to leave.

I realised, once I got away, that I'd been taking large quantities of sleeping tablets, all day long, just to keep myself calm. It was horrendous.

Now, I don't know how you're going to escape from your aunt, but you must. Is there a local church minister you could talk to? I actually found that my aunt's minister was very supportive and helpful to me, not to mention shocked when I told her what had been going on.

@SkeletonGhost this sounds really tough and of course it isn’t fair to blame dementia per se, I know younger people with similar personality traits within my family, where some find them charming and delightful , but others get a very nasty selfish person and her own DM no longer sees her.

I think you are right the filter goes as they get older. Friends DM is very abusive to her husband of over 50 years, and controlling too - as an old fashioned husband who feels loyal but also a little scared.

Others are right, you must get yourself some longer respite, as dementia progresses maybe others will see the other side to her and help and support you. MiL had a bit of another side that rarely showed, but had reduced me to tears on a few occasions pre dementia, but recently she blurted out lots of unfounded criticism to DH and also to me. Thankfully other family agreed she had that side to her and were sympathetic. But it is still hurtful and hard to forget. She told me that I am not a good daughter in law. Despite doing her shopping, her gardening, her washing, taking her out for coffees regularly before Covid and to 90% of hospital appointments and spending about 15 hours in A&E with her in last 12 months. The temptation to answer back!!! I think what she was expecting was me to invite to live with us - she lived with us for three months several years ago - never again …..

You are clearly a caring person, don’t forget that, she is lucky you are there for her.

Anyone else who has come to sit with her while I've nipped out for an appointment of my own, and the day centre/cafe she goes to once a week - can't speak highly enough of her. She's a delight, funny, happy, singing, joyful, a good laugh, pleasant

No solutions as such @SkeletonGhost , but offering sympathy and recognition. My MiL absolutely could be your aunt’s twin. To everybody else she’s a ‘delight’, but to her family she’s mean, manipulative, spiteful, grasping and jealous. Amazingly so given the extent of her dementia!

It’s not just conflict because she says something wrong and they try to correct her. It’s that she’s got an instinct for making hurtful and undermining comments. Easier for me to ignore because she’s only in law, but I see the hurt felt by her DC who are doing their best for an ungrateful old B.

If she’s driven you to thoughts of hurting yourself, you need to escape. She’s an aunt, not a parent. No obligation to stay. Your parents want (or ought to want) you to be happy. If it’s financial problems, that’s harder but not impossible.

@Lightuptheroom They have a named social worker, don't they? Even if the SW refuse to speak to you specifically on the safeguarding, I'd still continue to send the named social worker emails with my questions and thoughts. When were you last in touch with Age Concern? They might be supportive?

@SkeletonGhost So sorry you are going through this. People here will help you with your escape plan. Maybe start a separate thread; many posters will relate to you and have valuable input...
Take every opportunity to leave the room, even better the house, especially in this good weather.
If you are forced to be around her, can she sit in a wheelchair and you can at least be outdoors? DM's care home had about seven spare wheelchairs and begged me to ask friends and neighbours if they needed any for free, so if you don't have one, I'd ring your local care home and ask...

Ok, social services say they can't speak to us as no power of attorney, so what do we tell them to do now?

Have to read any books on dementia ? Of course everyone's experience of it is different , but I wonder if by reading a few books it will give you an insight on how best to deal with her.
I moved into the home of the relative I was caring for ( non dementia ) and cared for them for a few months before they died. At the time , it was the hardest thing I've ever done , it's relentless , you have my sympathy.
With regard to you aunt's dementia , I have read it's easier to try to live in their world rather than disagree or correct them.
As hard as it is , would life be easier for you if you agree with her on things , i.e she calls you a name , tell her yes I can be , or by reading on this thread , a distraction , she says something nasty , just nod your head , and say , Ooh look at that bird in the garden or completely change the subject and ask a question about something she might engage in.

(I'm really sorry, I can't be concise. I suspect that it's down to not having enough people to talk to in real life)

@SkeletonGhost The receptionist at the GP should be able to point you to carers groups, our surgery has one meet there once a month. I would suggest that you make sure you are registered yourself, also registered as a carer and get an appointment for yourself too.

I am fortunate that I have the other side of this, MIL no longer recognises me so I get the the manners that are reserved for strangers rather than the direct/blunt/plain speaking/rude speech that has always been dished out to family. She no longer criticises my hair, my clothing, my life choices - after thirty years of her sticking the knife in at every opportunity I'm still waiting for the jibe but it doesn't come.

Get yourself a notebook and make an escape plan. If you can't go now then it will enable you to work out what you need in place to be able to go. Can you find a short term rental while you get back on your feet, a summer of house sitting/pet sitting? Forget about the dreams you had for this, the happy memories and all the rest. You've moved in with someone, it didn't work out, they are not going to change their ways. If this was the relationship board it would be a universal LTB. If you weren't there then social services would step in, so let them while you piece your new life back together. This is not a living situation that is going to help you heal.

You are very welcome here, yes you're in the right place and I'm sure there are many here that have felt trapped by care and not fit for the sainthood that it seems to need.

@TheShellBeach sadly, it all coincided with a break up and house sale on my end as well, so this is home for me for the foreseeable unfortunately.

I have managed to book a GP appt for her for next week, so I'm going to see if there is anything they can help with as she isnt medicated for anything relating to the dementia at all either..and despite being a total... wotsit... she is compliant with accepting her medication and taking it.

@notaflyingmonkey that's what I'm worried about, but I was also at breaking point before this, in a different way. Either way I feel about to break..

@SkeletonGhost don't stay, it will break you.

@SkeletonGhost I also found myself in this position. It was absolute hell. Nobody else seemed to see this side of her.

I think you should make plans to leave. I don't know your circumstances but surely you can go back home? I did, to everyone's surprise.

It was the best thing for me. Also, the next person who moved in with the lady phoned me after three days and she was already at the end of her tether.
My "sweet old lady" was doing to her exactly what she'd done to me - complaints about everything, especially the food. Refusing to pay for anything. Making rude personal comments. Being spiteful.

You have my sympathy.

Evening all - hope you don't mind me joining this thread! NC to avoid other threads/posts being linked, but have been around MN for a fair while.

Recently took on the role of a live in full time carer for an elderly relative, and I'm full of regret. It was supposed to be for her benefit - financially, keeping a closer watch, more personalised care by someone who knows her, able to create the memories we missed making with her husband (quick death following a surprise covid diagnosis a couple of years ago)... especially as care wise she doesnt need washing, hoisting, moving yet.. and in like - it would benefit me as a break from my incredibly stressful and toxic workplace, give me time and space to figure out my next steps, and create those happy memories.

She has had dementia diagnosed for about 7 years now, and was showing signs in the couple of years before that, but between her and her husband, it was masked/managed well.

She always was an odd person, erring on the side of abusive, with a healthy dose of gas lighting... and I had completely forgotten/blanked out just how bad it was.

It's as though all the good parts of her have gone, and she's just been left a confused, spiteful, vicious mess of a person. Still emotionally manipulative and abusive.

Anyone else who has come to sit with her while I've nipped out for an appointment of my own, and the day centre/cafe she goes to once a week - can't speak highly enough of her. She's a delight, funny, happy, singing, joyful, a good laugh, pleasant...

They give me the crazy eyes when I say that I'm glad she has been so lovely for them, but she sounds like a different person. The side eyes, the sceptical expression...

It was really tough last night, and I felt feelings of wanting to hurt myself for the first time in many many years. I didn't, and wouldn't, but I wanted to. And not to end anything, just for the brief moment of silence it gave. And all that was going through my head at 2am this morning was her laughing in my face, being sarcastic, passive aggressive, and generally a bitch.

And I can't say any of this to anyone in real life. They all say "oh its just the dementia, you have to make allowances". Or "you're doing such a good job looking after her".
Or they just don't believe me. Or will think I'm a horrible human being.

Except it isn't just the dementia. The dementia has just removed what small filter she had for me. Somehow she still puts her "public face/mask on" for other people.

And tomorrow is the day centre day. Which gives me a few hours reprieve from it all. Other than the vitriol I'll get in the morning encouraging her to get up/ready and breakfasted to go out.

I'm not even sure if this is the right place on MN to post - please let me know if it isn't and I'll get it removed.
I just have nowhere else to turn, and I scared myself last night.

@SheilaFentiman @IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere it's so alien to me to not want to be there for them. I guess we are all different!

I've offered to take her at the weekend and she's accepted so that's something. DH has also been trying to get hold of the consultant today to find out what's going on. I feel like they are just dragging their feet because they don't know what to do. I'm the meantime, the poor guy is going crazy just lying in a hospital bed 😳

@GordonBennett345 I have no idea if my mum actually had physio when she was in rehab. She said she didn't but was totally unreliable and confused by her surroundings

@SheilaFentiman My parents had been married over 50 years, very much in love, but when dad was diagnosed with cancer my mum refused to visit him in hospital because "she wanted to remember him as he was". He died just two weeks after his diagnosis and she told everyone that it was an agreement that they had had. I stuck up for her at the time but having been quite poorly myself I have thought about they way she was and am absolutely baffled that she would choose to protect her feelings rather than consider his and she had no desire to say goodbye. She is in a nursing home now and isn't aware that dad is dead (he died 10 years ago) but I am having to deal with my own anger that she didn't want to see him.

DM has not seen DF since he went into the care home nearly a year ago. Even though they would have brought him to her. Words cannot express the suppressed fury I have about this.

My mother is currently in a rehab ward in a community hospital. Not convinced she's getting any physio at all. And she has no idea what she's doing.

@Newmum738 sorry to hear about your FiL. Can he be moved to a rehab hospital where he’d likely get a bit more physio / OT? This is what they did for my MiL. Originally just going to discharge home from hospital but when we said she’d not manage found her a bed in a rehab place. Never knew they existed.

She doesn't seem concerned at all 😳

A cavalier attitude to my FiL’s terminal cancer was one of the positive signs of MiL’s dementia, which she had more or less successfully masked up to that point. She was refusing a stair lift for this poor man, but could seem quite lucid.

FiL has been in hospital for 2 months now. We went to see him yesterday and he was very tearful. He had a stroke before Christmas and now can't walk and has extremely limited use of his hands. The hospital doesn't seem to be doing much and I think he can't see himself coming out (I can't either). Any thoughts on how to help him handle the depression? Can you believe MiL has only been to see him once! She doesn't seem concerned at all 😳

@thesandwich I hope tomorrow goes as smoothly as possible for you

Thinking of you @thesandwich

Thank you kind friends.🌺

thesandwich wishing you all the best for tomorrow, big hug if you want it.

Does anyone find their parents make customer service calls in error? I do like to leave mum to do the stuff she can do but it sometimes causes more problems.

I really struggled with mum yesterday. Lucky I didn't have a two hour journey each way and just went home when I hit my limit.

@thesandwich You don't have to put yourself through this, the day is hard enough without the eulogy on top. You know what you want said, you can hand it over to someone else to deliver. Fabric hankie rather than paper, they stand up better to nervous mauling and if you can, have a sheepdog friend who keeps an eye on you and will rescue you when signalled. The family that we only see at weddings and funerals is sometimes distant for good reason. Otherwise stand in front of a mirror and have a quick practise with "Oh, sorry. I've just seen someone I HAVE to speak to."

Oh, good luck @thesandwich, Give that eulogy your very best! Wishing you strength, robust mascara, a big hug and even bigger drink for afterwards.