Hello, I hope it's OK to join you all.
I've read the first couple of pages and the last couple of pages and I've been alternately nodding along in agreement and feeling awed at what some of you are coping with. I'll go back and read more pages so I can get to 'know' you. I suspect I'll be here quite often...
I'm the DIL. PILs are 92 and 93 and recently moved into a care/nursing home. DH is recently retired and one of 3 siblings. He is actively involved in his parents' lives but I can imagine that if his siblings were posting on mumsnet they'd be saying "we work, our brother is retired, he isn't pulling his weight". I can see both sides.
PILs have been healthy throughout most of their life. MIL has arthritis and hearing loss, FIL has dementia and sight loss. Until last autumn they lived independently although with increasing amounts of family and professional help. MIL became increasingly immobile but could issue instructions and FIL could follow them although that was more difficult as his dementia progressed: "get the milk" (FIL wanders to kitchen and stands..) "it's in the fridge" (FIL looks around) "that's the door labelled fridge" (FIL open fridge and looks blank) "it's the milk you want" Task accomplished 
Throughout this period of deteriation all 3 children were working and each of them went for a day visit 1 weekend in 3. DH included. Although I know his siblings sometimes visisted more frequently and sometimes stayed over. PIL lived appox 2 hours away from everyone.
In the late autumn MIL had a couple of falls - one we didn't know about until we found the ambulance report, the other DH was visiting. He became their defacto carer (he was retired by this time). He helped his Mum to dress, wash, took her to the bathroom, pulled down her underwear, and pulled it up again afterwards. The other 2 siblings took over at weekends.
It became evident that PILs 'independent' life was not sustainable. In the end they had 24 live-in care to help with all food, medication, night time toiletting, personal care etc. They also continued to pay for some of thier previous carers - a weekly physio, twice weekly independent carer, cleaner, and a dementia befriender. It all seemed ideal.
MIL can be cantakerous (always has been) and decided that this arrangement wasn't working. She didn't like one of the carers (because of their Essex accent!) and became uncooperative with them. She also expressed a strong desire to have time away from FIL, who's only desire is to sit next to her and hold her hand (sweet but claustrophpobic). She pleaded to go to a nursing care home, couldn't get out of her own home fast enough.
Both PILs are in the same care home and they are in seperate rooms so at least MIL gets a break overnight. FIL is very bewildered, doesn't remember that he has a room there, although he seems content mostly. MIL is awful. I don't know what she imagined it would be like - maybe that her hearing would be miraculously restored, that she would not have to spend any time with FIL, that she would meet a new circle of friends. Instead she has sunk into a depression, hardly eats, won't participate in any activities. It is heartbreaking.
The nusing care home is closer to all of us: 40-60 minutes drive for us, 80 minutes drive for sibling 1, and 5 minutes drive from sibling 2. And therein lies some of the problem. Sibling 1 visits once a week but sibling 2 has been visiting 3/4/5 times a week, sometimes planned sometimes in response to a 'crisis'. The crisises are nothing critical just the normal day-to-day ups and downs of moods where one parent is crying or another one is having a period of delusion. None of this is helped by the fact that S1 and S1 phone every day so are exposed to the vagaries of mood, and S2 feels under pressure to respond.
All 3 siblings are honest in that mostly there is very little joy in visiting.
I know that DH would prefer to visit infrequently. He is accepting of going once per week, usually goes twice a week, and feels under pressure (from his siblings) to go more. He's not exactly copping out. But this is not the retirement he anticipated. He's very outdoorsy and active, wants to see the sun shining and get out on his bike, or go away camping for a few days, to be spontaneous. Then there's holidays. We've already had one long-ish holiday away, DH has a week's cycling event planned, then a climbing trip to Nepal. These are things he can do now, in his younger retirement (and the first trip was my holiday too, with my work arranged to make it possible). But it leaves his siblings carrying the load and I sense their resentment building up.
DH acknowledges that the most important thing during the next years (FIL is physically very fit and could live for a long time) is to maintain a good relationship with his siblings. PILs are safe and very well cared for in a great (and eye-wateringly expensive) place. DH feels that all siblings need to step back to a manageable and sustainable level of visiting. Emotionally that is easier for him than his siblings. I can see it from their perspective, I can see that they are working and that DH has 'more time on his hands'. I feel like I end up nagging him.
The sibling relationships in general are pretty good (although 2 of them are twins which brings its own dynamic) and I'm sure that family bonds and good sense will prevail.
I'm not particularly asking anything here (although any insights / advice would be appreciated). But goodness, it feels good to be able to get all of that off my chest!! Thank you to all those who set up and support these threads 