The Cockroach Cafe 🪳 Spring 2023

Agree with what was said earlier mum had many aids from o.t and she was self funded. They only look at means testing for bigger things such as a walk in shower for example

going through selling house with my mum at the moment it's very tough Just hope in time we remember the good times rather than the sad house it is now. My parents lived there for over 40 years so was very much our family home. I remember how difficult it was when my grandparents hine was sold as they have lived there for many years.

My mum sadly passed away in February . The funeral procession left from the family home and went passed my grandparents house her childhood home sad but fitting

Good point about major works. Mum.and dad had exactly that scenario after dad fractured his pelvis (though tbh should have done it years before but mum preferred baths so tough on dad). When we looked into it not only wad it means tested but you weren't allowed to start work before the decision which could take 12 weeks.

I think major works are means tested - things like taking a bath out and putting a shower in but equipment isn't. It is worth getting OT involvement, it's their job to spot things that pass us by and even trivial things like chair raisers can make a huge difference to the ease of daily living.

@MissMarplesNiece 🌺🌺 your post was really moving- I’ve got that to go through with my bruvs soon. So hard to know what to keep. I’m dreading it.

@Nodancingshoes people really disappoint me sometimes!

@Nodancingshoes dad had loads of stuff - various walkers, perching stool, shower seat, grab rails etc. None of it means tested and he was self funding. I think it was OT/community nurse/social sevices organise it. Mum has a pivotell on loan from social services.

@Nodancingshoes DM has had lots of things from OTs - walking frames - one for upstairs, one for down, bath chair that lowers her into bath, toilet seat & frame that goes round toilet, and they've fitted a hand rail along a wall. It wasn't means tested.

My father in law, who has Alzheimer's, goes to a Man Shed group every Monday, so thank you very much for the donation of the tools.

@MissMarplesNiece it seems so final to be disposing of the tangible elements that surrounded someone during their life. My Mum loved sewing and had embroidered lots of cushions. dsis and I found it very hard to just throw them out, but we reminded ourselves that Mum had got hours of pleasure (and a sense of achievement) from making them and years of joy from having them around - that's probably enough to expect from a cushion! I have one painting that Mum did (hanging in a spare bedroom), dsis has one embroidery (also in her spare bedroom). We both took a patterned tile from when Mum singlehandedly renovated and tiled her bathroom, and we made them into potstands. And we took one Christmas decoration each - a nice momento for once a year.

Now we are going throught the same with dh's parents' house. His dps wanted almost nothing to take to their care home. MIL said things no longer mattered to her, what as important was someone sitting and holding her hand.

I know there are fire regulations around what can be passed on but it hurts to know that there are so many in need and all PILs furniture etc is just being discarded. We did what we could - blanket and towels to the local dog and cat home, crockery, cutlery and cooking utensils to a local charity who helps people starting out in their own home, tools to a 'men's shed' group.

@Newmum738 with friends like that who needs enemies!
@MissMarplesNiece I am dreading this too. Getting rid of all the things that made them 'them' if you see what I mean 😢

I'm feeling abit overwhelmed today. Carers started today which went well but they messaged me with lots of things they recommend which made me feel I was failing nan. It's just so new to me, I don't know how any of this works! Carer said that we can get free equipment from the OT service but when I looked, it is means tested so I don't think this applys to nan as she has alot of savings. Managed to get a district nurse to call as she has a pressure sore. I am so not loving my new responsibilities which I know is selfish of me...

I'm not sure tbh! I've probably confused the 2 but it seems neither applies. Thanks to you both though.

@funnelfan @MissMarplesNiece my mum went through this too over my mama's stuff and was very upset.

@Newmum738 I have noticed before that those of a "right on" hippy lifestyle are sometimes the most selfish & least empathetic. Not all, of course, I've also met some who aren't like that, but many more that are. It's sad when a friend is unsupportive - fairweather friends.

Yes clearing up and selling the family home is so very painful. It's like total finality that that part of life has really gone forever. I'm dreading it myself but it has to be done. Just know your not alone

@GordonBennett345 I think you probably meant what @Knotaknitter said, but I think there is separately up to six weeks of state-funded “rehab” if someone is coming out of hospital and needs to learn eg how to manage with reduced mobility. This might happen in a care facility. Was it that you were thinking of?

This resonates with me, I remember mums sadness that the house clearers who emptied my grandmas house offered £50. Mum kept saying £50 for a lifetime of belongings. Very sad.

But now mum is that age herself and she has totally let go of any attachment to “stuff”, even her wedding ring. I’ve made sure it’s safe but she’s not bothered. I’m trying to use that to detach and tell myself they’re only things that once had emotional value but their time has now gone. I deal with it by taking pictures, eg the last surviving piece of crockery from a set used when I was a child. The pattern triggers such memories, but I can get them from the photo now rather than having a random dish cluttering up or kitchen.

I know the day is coming in the next couple of years when we’ll have to sell the house she’s lived in all my life. Both DB and I dread it because of our emotional attachment to the place. We both left home at 21, but our parents house represented the place at both still consider “home” and to not be able to go there any more is a very sad thought. I do sympathise.

@Knotaknitter yes, I think I won't hear from her again which is very disappointing and sad. I have plenty of good stuff to talk about but I'm not willing to pretend the bad isn't happening so she can stay in her happy place. I think I'm going to email her and explain that her response wasn't compassionate. Anyone that wants to give me breathing as a solution to pain and loss can F off!!!

I found your post very moving...💐 x

I'm feeling very sad and tearful. Yesterday me & my DB met house clearers who are going to empty mum's bungalow. Everything is going, carpets, curtains, furnishings, nick nacks no one else wants. I just feel so very, very sad - all the things DM & step dad used to make a happy life. Sometimes I find myself overwhelmed by the bittersweet symphony that's life. DH says I should remember the happy times I had there, but somehow that makes it sadder.

@RuthTopp I doubt you'll hear from her again. She can be in her happy place with the sparkly unicorns, not forced to see that people have real problems that can't be solved with breathing exercises. I think we'd all like to pretend that this life isn't happening to us but sadly ignoring it does not make it all go away. People change, relationships fade as a result.

@GordonBennett345 Are you thinking of the 12 week property disregard? That's when you are going to be a full fee payer but the value of your property is disregarded for the initial 12 weeks to give you a window to sell it. Not "free" by any means. The Age UK guide to property is here, the 12 week disregard is at item 5.4

https://www.ageuk.org.uk/globalassets/age-uk/documents/factsheets/fs38_property_and_paying_for_residential_care_fcs.pdf

@Newmum738

Your friend is wrapped up in herself and self absorbed . Sadly , not all friendships last and sometimes ( often ) it takes stuff like your dealing with for the scales to fall from our eyes.
start to look forward to her returning back to Canada !

Saw a friend last night who has become a bit hippy. She is living in Canada and back for a couple of weeks. I haven't spoken to her since my mum's dementia diagnosis in March and she hasn't checked in to see how I'm doing. I was talking about my FiL who has been in hospital for over 2 months and she said 'I want to use this time to focus on the things that will really serve us'. I was a bit shocked and said 'I think you've just said you only want to talk about the happy stuff and the thing is my dad has died, my mum has dementia, my FiL has been in hospital for over 2 months and may never come out. I'm caring for a 76 year old and 4 yo who are 3 hours apart. I can talk about the happy stuff but I cannot ignore this'. She apologised and then wanted to do deep breathing exercises to be calm again. I was really disappointed in her and I'm probably not going to hear from her again. How did I find such a friend?!!!

Does anyone know about an initial period on going into care where the state pays? Is it a disregard period? 12 weeks? I can't find info on who is eligible.