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Elderly parents
Original poster

Frail Father in law- what do we do?

58 replies

FurCoatNoNickers · 17/02/2023 20:26

Hello, this is my first post on this board and I need help navigating a way forward for my father in law.

For context, FIL is in his mid eighties and lives alone, in his own home ( he owns it). We live about 40 mins away from him and bro in law ( DH's brother) lives well over an hour way and doesn't drive. DH is the child, FIL relies upon. We have two kids, one with autism. Very busy and stressful life tbh.

He keeps having falls, this started last summer and it's now happening quite regularly. They happen in the home and out in public, ambulance was called on one occasion as he badly hurt himself. He is struggling to maintain his home, cleaning and maintenance of it. He wears a necklace with a panic button on it but I feel the situation is becoming more serious as he gets frailer. My fear is he will fall down the stairs one night and won't be able to call for help. He is still driving but I think he needs to stop now. He is lovely but incredibly stubborn / belligerent.

What on earth do we do? What are our options? DH has power of attorney, both financial and health.

OP posts:
Original poster
FurCoatNoNickers · 18/02/2023 09:08

unfortunateevents · 17/02/2023 21:44

Does he have any help with cleaning/maintenance? Have you suggested that he get some help, what is his reaction? Have you spoken with him about the future, how does he see things panning out? I presume he does not wish to talk about the possibility of a care home? Would he move closer to you? Would you want that though?

He's nearly 85 but thinks he's still 40. He doesn't consider himself old. That's how he perceives himself.

OP posts:
Original poster
FurCoatNoNickers · 18/02/2023 09:07

unfortunateevents · 17/02/2023 21:44

Does he have any help with cleaning/maintenance? Have you suggested that he get some help, what is his reaction? Have you spoken with him about the future, how does he see things panning out? I presume he does not wish to talk about the possibility of a care home? Would he move closer to you? Would you want that though?

I go round to do a fortnightly clean and I've found him a good local handyman.

OP posts:
Chippy1234 · 17/02/2023 23:01

I so sympathise with you. I have something similar. I am sorry to sound harsh but I am heartily tired of older people insisting on doing reckless things and expecting the consequences to fall on a relative to sort out. At one point I had half of West London who had been given my name to sort out things that relative had decided they didn’t want to do any more. Often the first I knew of it was when I got a phone call and actually it all creeps up on you. The refusal to have carers in, the messy untidy, unclean house they live in etc.

Of course it’s their choice but to expect someone else to do it without even discussing it with them isn’t great.

Maybe I am the only one who feels my life is being taken over this.

dcadmamagain · 17/02/2023 22:12

My friends mum lives 6 hours away and she has cctv cameras that she can look at 24 hours a day to check all ok with her mum. Would this help your situation?

Livedandlearned · 17/02/2023 21:52

Locally we can call Care Direct, someone will assess care needs and any adjustments/equipment in the home that will make his home more safe to live in.

KangarooKenny · 17/02/2023 21:49

And you can anonymously report him to the DVLA on line. They do action your concerns.

KangarooKenny · 17/02/2023 21:48

Ask social services to assess him.
we found that we had to pull away from helping to get them to offer help. As long as you say you will help, they will let you,

unfortunateevents · 17/02/2023 21:44

Does he have any help with cleaning/maintenance? Have you suggested that he get some help, what is his reaction? Have you spoken with him about the future, how does he see things panning out? I presume he does not wish to talk about the possibility of a care home? Would he move closer to you? Would you want that though?