DM refusing to go to hospital appointment

Ok, from your updates it sounds like she has form for doing this throughout her life rather than it being an old age or dementia thing.
What's the issue with your birthday? If something happens your dad and or niece will deal with it, she's not living alone. Why do you need to be there?

This happened with my nan towards the end of her life. She had various health issues and was very cantankerous when it came to going to her myriad appointments. Things finally came to a head when she and I were talking on the phone one day and she mentioned she'd had a fall that morning and had had 'a little sleep' afterwards, but hadn't sought any medical attention.

I called her GP who in turn called my nan, and long story short my nan was furious with me. I was furious with her for being, in my opinion at the time, reckless and selfish, and she was furious with me for being interfering and disrespectful of her autonomy.

After we had both calmed down we had a talk and it turned out she had had enough. She had so many things wrong with her, and she would turn up to appointments with no idea what part of her they were going to be poking and prodding and what was going to happen. Some of the appointments involved distressing or painful procedures, and she just didn't want to do it any more. She didn't want people coercing her, or attempting to bribe her (as someone suggested unthread) into attending appointments she didn't want to go to. She wanted her views and opinions regarding her own body to be respected, not for people deciding that they knew best.

My MIL was the same, she would go to the doctor who would arrange tests, then she would cancel them. She also had a hip replacement after falling, which she did slowly recover from, but lost a lot of confidence. Her last hospital appointment for a scan was on a Saturday afternoon and she rang us lunchtime to say she just couldn’t go. I told her, the first time ever, that she was being selfish and needed to know what was wrong with her and that it was too late for them to get someone to take her place, but nothing worked. Unfortunately you cannot make her attend.

I remember being at this stage with my late father. He was determined to do everything his way but then assumed I would be on constant call to pick him off the floor, phone for an ambulance or rush him to A&E with no thought to the fact that I was juggling a job and my own family responsibilities. A few days after he died, in hospital following a fall, I fancied drinking a can of cider in the evening. Immediately the little voice in the back of my head said, should you, you may need to drive to Dad's or A&E then I remembered he was gone that was the moment I realised I had not had a drink for years without feeling guilty about compromising my ability to rush off at any moment and although I was grieving I still felt relief that that responsibility had gone.
I think all you can do is give your DM as much of your time as you think reasonable and make it clear that she is responsible for her actions and that you cannot always be available to pick up the pieces.

We have stopped doing stuff, just to be around in an emergency. I am beginning to think it's a mistake. But for me, its probably a bit of fog.

It does feel like we are the emergency plan, without consultation.

Siblings are off on long holidays & wondering why we don't do similar.

Is she unhappy about you wanting to go away, or is it that you're worried?

I understand either way, but I'm not clear how the cardiology appointment impacts it, or what the expectations are from the appointment.

Another one who thinks that at 87 she is allowed to make her own choices regarding her health. I understand that it must be worrying, but people often do get to a stage where they don't want any medical intervention.

What do you mean, OP?
Is something more likely to go wrong if your mother doesn't go to a cardiology appointment? Honestly, at the age of 87 she should be treated holistically.

Maybe try and get her an OT home assessment, to see if any aids can be recommended for her - but her attending clinic appointments at her age, especially if she doesn't want to, is really not going to change things medically.

What is it you're wanting the cardiologist to say or do? I would just let her make her own choices, she is 87 after all.

Yep, we have this. Mil doesn't really have capacity but it's impossible to get her to appointments.

Fil gatekeeps & won't really let us in to help, so it's difficult.

We've now expressed our concerns to the GP. Not a lot else we can do, it's really difficult.

My parents are 87. Mum is OK but she does come downstairs backwards as she can't see the edge of the stairs with her stupid bifocal glasses. Dad is falling over a lot. I had a massive row with him before Christmas after his third fall in the early evening when he's had two massive glasses of Scotch which he won't give up. Told him if he's going to carry on drinking he's not allowed to do anything afterwards (like have a shower because he slips or climb a ladder - I kid you not) as we are sick of sitting and waiting for hours in A&E. So far he hasn't actually broken anything so they just send him home again.
They both have DNR's in place with a note on the wall just inside the front door. They are both fed up now and have pretty much had enough. They may enjoy another summer as they are both great gardeners but they have been so fed up through the winter. 3 of Mum's aunties lived to well over 100 and Dad says a gypsy once told him he'd live to 92 so they might be around for a while yet.
With strong hearts, no signs of cancer and having had pneumonia jabs there's not much to take them.
Dad's always at the GP's but Mum soldiers on.

OP I wouldn't worry about this at 87.

At 87, I would leave her to it.

Jennifer so what's the deal at the mo? What sort of benefit would she derive from the appointment?

I'm kind of thinking an 87 year has to be quite strong to crawl upstairs. How does she get downstairs?

It's really hard, OP. All you can do is try and find out why your mum is refusing to go, and see if you can calm any anxiety she may have about it and support her to make choices. Ultimately it's her decision if she has capacity, however misguided you think that decision is.

FIL did the same at the end. He had always been secretive about his health and decided he wanted to die straight after Christmas one year. He refused all further hospital or GP appointments and his organs packed up 2 months later. He had known he was in kidney failure apparently but told nobody.

My dad was the same and ultimately it lead to his untimely death. I had spent years arguing with him. Then one day I decided it was his choice and we could either argue or get along. He died at 65. He didn't take the advice about his health so I partly have to accept he knew his risks and didn't care to change. The reasons was his to make. Now my mum is doing the same. I find asking and begging and worrying is making me sick.

If she's deemed to have capacity there's not a great deal you can do. You could raise concerns (on both the appointment refusal and the stairs) by writing to her GP which might trigger them to get her in under some pretext and try and find out why she doesn't want to go. GP won't be able to discuss with you though unless your mum has consented to that. If you or the GP were to ask social services for a care needs assessment would she co operate with that? I do sympathise, it's really stressful when their capacity is borderline and they just refuse everything.

Does she go anywhere? Is she afraid of leaving the house or going into hospital? Has she had help from OT?

If she doesn't want to go, and understands the risks, you can't make her.

TBH if she doesn't understand you probably can't make her either - but that would imply she is quite unwell and there may be limited benefit to the appointment.

At 87 she may have different priorities to you, which is hard as a DD but is her right.

Hi

Sorry to hear of your troubles.

Has your mum seen a cardiologist before?

My mum refused the most recent appointment, but that's because she knows what her options are, apart from pills, and doesn't want any procedures. Is it possible your mum is refusing because of something similar?

Re the stairs, how did your mum manage when she broke her hip?

@JenniferBooth I'm so sorry. It must be so stressful for you but I just lost my mother (a month ago now) because she was also too scared to go to the doctor. If we just got her there we could have had years with her! Please keep trying.