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Elderly parents
Original poster

Hygiene issues with DM

31 replies

VoluptuaGoodshag · 12/02/2023 12:03

She doesn't shower. Ever! Her house is totally adapted to enable her to do so. She lives alone and can manage perfectly adequately but she will not shower, preferring to just wash at the basin.

To my shame I had to have strong words with her recently when she had an accident with her colostomy bag leaking. (I don't want to go into details but it wasn't pleasant and I had to do a major clean up). I basically told her that if she didn't start showering, I wasn't going to take her out anymore. :( She was still refusing to even change her clothes until I pleaded with her to do so. It would have been so easy just to strip off in the 'wet room' shower and get properly clean. I fear these accidents will only get more common and I dread visiting. I hate feeling like that, I feel like a rubbish daughter but I also gag at being near her or taking her anywhere. Isn't that terrible. It needn't be like this if she would just shower and deal with her bag properly. I'm not great at being a nurse but I'm trying to be for her sake but it's really getting me down.

OP posts:
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PritiPatelsMaker · 13/02/2023 20:50

Losing a sense of smell and taste and being a little forgetful were DMIL's first signs of Vascular Dementia.

She was being investigated for her sudden loss of taste and smell, had a brain scan and that revealed the dementia.

Poor hearing can have an affect on cognition too over time.

I think it might be time for her to have a care needs assessment and for you to alert her GP that she might need a review for her memory.

Original poster
VoluptuaGoodshag · 13/02/2023 14:43

@Chocchops72 that’s interesting re capacity. She is slightly deaf and showing signs of forgetfulness. But you don’t need a sense of smell to know that poo smells and if you’re covered in it then you are going to smell too. Might get in touch to get her needs reassessed.

OP posts:
Chocchops72 · 13/02/2023 14:33

I cannot understand why she thinks it’s fine.

This is the puzzling bit that you maybe need to push at. Do you think she gets it? You say that she said nothing when you threatened not to take her out any more... do you think she really understood what you were saying, and why? Would not saying anything be her normal response? I guess I'm wondering if she is able to recognise this as an issue, not just being awkward or independent. Does she still have capacity in this respect?

You also say that she has no sense of smell... is that true? I mean ,does she genuinely not have a sense of smell? If that is the case, then that would explain why she thinks there isn't a problem.

In any case it sounds like a horrible thing for a daughter to have to deal with: I know my mum would be mortified. If she's not able to keep herself clean and this might have serious consequences for her health, wouldn't that trigger a care assessment and care visits being put in place?

Sunriseinwonderland · 13/02/2023 13:30

You really do have to have a shower if you have a colostomy and some incontinence or the risk of infection is really high.
Would she rather have a shower everyday or end up in hospital with sepsis and then probably a nursing home?

TheFeistyFeminist · 13/02/2023 13:28

My mum will only shower when absolutely necessary and moans about it. I nag her into changing her clothes, the longest she's gone in the same clothes day after day is over 40 days.

Some patients with dementia feel like the water hurts them.

Adding in continence issues must make the problem so much harder.

It might be time to get advice on assessing how her extra daily needs can be met.

Original poster
VoluptuaGoodshag · 13/02/2023 11:36

To answer the various questions more clearly:

  • yes she has a shower in a wet room, totally geared up for an elderly person as the previous resident was in a wheel chair. It has a fold down seat and grab handles and nothing to trip over
  • her wet room, like the whole house, is toasty warm
  • I was brought up with a once a week bath so I get she's from a much older generation but seriously, if you and your clothes are covered in shite, a wash at the sink isn't going to have much effect
  • she walks with a zimmer around the house but she can take that to the toilet and then use the grab handles to shower
  • even when she was in hospital she never showered, preferring the nurses to give her a bed bath
  • she says she dotoesn't want to shower in case her hair gets wet (there are ways round this)
  • when I told her if she didn't shower I wouldn't take her out she didn't say anything just promised that she would. The following day I couldn't tell if she'd had one or not. She didn't smell but the soap was dry in the shower. I know she's not showered previously because I clean the house and the shower area is always bone dry and dusty
That's all I know. I will quiz her further next time. I honestly couldn't stay longer than necessary as the smell was overpowering. She has no sense of smell.
OP posts:
stopringingme · 13/02/2023 10:16

Maybe she is scared of falling, my Dad is so he showers when the carers are there.

Pfeiffle · 13/02/2023 09:54

Does your mum have a chair for the shower? Can she sit down/stand up ok? Does she have dizzy spells or balance problems? Is it a wet room or a shower enclosure? Would she be willing to allow carers to help her in the shower? Sorry for all the questions. We had a similar problem and it did cause infections and delirium but with regular showers this stopped.

Chocchops72 · 13/02/2023 09:33

I was very blunt with her last week and said if she doesn’t shower I’m not taking her out anymore.

And what did she say in response? did she acknowledge what you said or recognise that there is an issue?

Would she accept instructions from a continence nurse or other medical person?

the sense I’m getting from your post is that you feel she should just do what is (to you) the most obvious and sensible thing. Maybe you need to find out more about what she’s thinking and why she’s not keeping herself clean? Does she recognise there is an issue? Has she said why she doesn’t use the shower? What does she say when you tell her that the bag is leaking and her clothes are dirty?

MereDintofPandiculation · 13/02/2023 09:25

It’s possible to keep yourself clean without showering. My dad is incontinent and doesn’t shower but he is perfectly huggable! Your issue isn’t that she doesn’t shower, but that she doesn’t keep herself clean.

As to why? Is her shower room warm enough? It needs to be warmer than tge rest of the house. There’s a second as you step into the shower when the jets at the edge feel very cold, and if her bathroom isn’t very warm, she will feel chilled when she comes out of the shower. It’s warmer washing at the basin because there’s only a small portion of you naked and wet at any one time. Also, she won’t smell the urine, she’ll be used to it and her brain won’t register it. Have you told her she smells?

Remember that until she was in her 40s it wasn’t at all common to have a shower in a domestic house. Showering isn’t as hard-wired into her as it is into you.

Original poster
VoluptuaGoodshag · 13/02/2023 08:13

both Me and my brother (who helps also) have POA.
she’s had her bag over a year now. She manages fine and under normal conditions doesn’t smell but she should still shower at least once a week imo, just get a good clean. It may well be dementia. She had carers when she came out of hospital last year but she can manage without. She eats ready meals. Her bags are cut to size bit she always trims a bit and I think this is why they leak. We have continually told her not to but she still does.

I was very blunt with her last week and said if she doesn’t shower I’m not taking her out anymore. She’s well into her 90s. Thought we’d lost her last year but she pulled through. She seems bullet proof re infection. She can be very single minded as if to prove she still is independent but it’s not for the right reasons. She can well afford to heat the water and the house is like a sauna so that’s not the issue

OP posts:
Ladybug14 · 13/02/2023 07:43

I'm sorry.... I sounded rather blasé about getting carers in. We only managed it with Dad because we got the GP out, he insisted and Dad then agreed

It made no difference that we had health LPOA because Dad had capacity (then) and was refusing

Ladybug14 · 13/02/2023 07:38

Have you got LPOA?

Ladybug14 · 13/02/2023 07:37

I agree with @ShippingNews

It could be a sign of dementia

I'd get carers in daily for personal care

Is she eating and drinking OK?

PritiPatelsMaker · 13/02/2023 07:35

That must have been so awful for you all shipping.

I did suspect early dementia from the OPs first post.

ShippingNews · 13/02/2023 07:20

My DM got like this when she was in the early stages of dementia. Same situation - perfect bathroom set-up, everything so safe and easy, but she only ever had a wash in the sink. Cupboards full of incontinence pads, but she used tea towels stuffed into her pants, and had a pile of tea towels on her chair "to keep the chair clean" but was totally clueless that the pile stank of urine. Oh dear, it was awful, and if I said anything ( I was pretty blunt) she'd just look blankly at me and keep doing it. You have my sympathies.

Teeshirt · 13/02/2023 07:11

Is it down to cost? Cost of heating water or the actual cost of water if she’s on a meter?

Chocchops72 · 13/02/2023 06:41

how blunt have you been with her OP? Have you told her straight out how bad she smells? And worked out why she doesn’t want to shower?

CrotchetyQuaver · 13/02/2023 00:24

My mum was like this about showering/bathing and ended up with a nasty infected eczema on her lower legs due to poor self care. It was a bugger to shift once it set in but once it cleared and I took over washing etc it was quite easily managed with regular moisturising. In the end I used to go and shower her/wash her hair once a week. Bladder issues also which she was in complete denial about. I understand the smell issue, I would gag when I walked in their house sometimes. Didn't help the heating was set at about 27 as she felt cold all the time.

I had to be very frank with her and tell her she smelt which wasn't well received, but had to be done.

CharlotteRose90 · 13/02/2023 00:00

Has she had the colostomy long? I have friends with them and most of them said for Atleast a year they wouldn’t look at it. Hopefully the carer comes in soon. It’s not great to be sitting in your own urine or faeces but I can partly understand why she doesn’t want to look at herself .

watcherintherye · 12/02/2023 22:32

Would she accept/could she afford a carer coming in to help her shower? Sometimes it’s easier with someone who isn’t family.

Original poster
VoluptuaGoodshag · 12/02/2023 19:28

I’ve said I’d wait outside the toilet when she showers. I’ve said I’d help her. She doesn’t seem to mind whipping up her jumper and dropping her trousers to show me so I don’t think she’s shy. She used to say she didn’t want her hair to get wet which is no excuse as she could wear a shower cap and/or have the shower head down so low it would miss her head. It’s totally geared up for her as the previous owner was in a wheel chair so it has handles and a fold down seat. I’m amazed she’s not caught any infections.

OP posts:
pizzaHeart · 12/02/2023 18:46

Would she shower with someone waiting outside? She might be scared to do it while alone.

Noonesperfect · 12/02/2023 18:42

Have you tried getting to the bottom (no pun intendedGrin) of why she doesn't want to shower? Maybe there is something she's worrying about or concerning her that could be overcome.

Teeshirt · 12/02/2023 18:19

Bear/bare -both ways.

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