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Elderly parents
Original poster

Dealing with dramatic elderly MIL

63 replies

Orangesandlemons77 · 10/02/2023 04:41

MIL was bereaved 2 years ago. We live nearby and I tried to help support her in the time after, meeting up and having her to stay sometimes, weekly for dinner etc.

I have listened, over and over to details around the death and reassurred her she did all she could etc, I think it may be a way of getting over it the going over and over it all.

I've just been there, being kind and supporting practically with various things as well.

Thing is, recently I have been ill and unable to meet up quite as much (she had got used to meeting twice weekly)

This isn't going down too well.

I have had something quite nasty, a nast virus which takes a while to get over. GPs told me 5-6 weeks at least. It's really floored me and often just been in bed all day.

I also have 2 DC who are older but still require support as well.

Anyway I'm getting quite strong words from MIL. Things like I am lying around making it worse. It is disappointing I can't meet up as she was looking forward to it, an abrupt 'goodbye' and complaints about me staying home ot other family.

I feel upset that I have been so patient and caring but when it comes to me being ill I can't 'do enough'

I am NC with my own mother for various reasons and some of this is reminding me of that situation. Maybe I am taking it too personally.

Any thoughts welcome.

OP posts:
Original poster
Orangesandlemons77 · 10/02/2023 09:16

She is a hoarder so impossible to visit

OP posts:
Original poster
Orangesandlemons77 · 10/02/2023 09:12

She does come to ours, but she likes to go out for coffee too.

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Beeinalily · 10/02/2023 08:45

OP is there any reason why you go to hers and she doesn't come to you? She should be trying to help you, even in small ways, while you're poorly.

Original poster
Orangesandlemons77 · 10/02/2023 07:48

Beautiful3 · 10/02/2023 07:41

Your main priority is to be well. Ignore mil for now. Remember that she's not actually your mother, but your husband's. When I recovered I'd only set one day a month for her, not 2 days a week. All phone calls go straight to your husband, and not to be passed onto you. Set healthy boundaries to begin, after your illness.

Thanks, good plan. Especially as she is so rude about my illness. It is a virus, the recent things but I also suffer with depression and had rude comments about that.

For example 'what have you got to be depressed about" "anti depressants are addictive' that kind of thing.

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Original poster
Orangesandlemons77 · 10/02/2023 07:47

Although to be honest it is me who has done this, without being asked, I did feel sorry for her after FIL died and to start with it was me asking / arranging things. Nothing to do with DH.

DH has also commented that it's a bit strange me being so freindly with his mum and he feels a bit odd about it. He asked me how I would feel if he got really pally with my mum. Which made me think.

I just need to step back a bit, and shouldn't have got so involved in the first place.

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Original poster
Orangesandlemons77 · 10/02/2023 07:44

Good point (about DH). He tends to say thing like he can't sit about drinking coffee all day (with MIL)

We got into this pattern where at the weekend he will take the DC out or do jobs while I take MIL for coffee. It's actually easier with her out and about rather than staying in though.

I might start going out to meet friends myself those days so he has to deal with her. Sometimes actions speak louder than words! (although I will speak to him too)

Another thing I need to deal with is she can ask for help from him, through me.
For example she will ring me and ask can DH do X.

i have started saying she needs to ring him and ask. Something else I am doing is not always answering the phone to her every time. She knows his number.

OP posts:
Beautiful3 · 10/02/2023 07:41

Your main priority is to be well. Ignore mil for now. Remember that she's not actually your mother, but your husband's. When I recovered I'd only set one day a month for her, not 2 days a week. All phone calls go straight to your husband, and not to be passed onto you. Set healthy boundaries to begin, after your illness.

MonicaFree · 10/02/2023 07:38

I think you have a DH problem.

And, politely, what kind of role modelling is this for your own DC? Do they think men are busy with work so women do this tuff? S

Original poster
Orangesandlemons77 · 10/02/2023 07:27

I don't think DH knows quite what she can be like. She is different around others. Good point though.

Sadly I think she is taking advantage of me being kind regarding her bereavement and then using that closeness to her advantage. But I am wise to it now.

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rookiemere · 10/02/2023 07:24

Orangesandlemons77 · 10/02/2023 07:21

She has been offered but treatment for depression and grief counselling from the GP but she told them she talks to DIL about that.

However the GP did say she knew MIL would say no to anti-ds but if she needs this even if it is in years to come please get back in touch.

So she does have a supportive GP.

Could your DH step in here and talk to her to encourage her to go back to her doctors?

You need to be a bit blunt with him, tell him you have to put your own health and looking after your DCs first and step back a lot from MIL visits and calls. I'm actually a little bit angry with him that he has been prepared to sacrifice your health for MILs for such a long period.

Original poster
Orangesandlemons77 · 10/02/2023 07:22

She does have friends and hobbies yes. I agree about the set day etc, not sure how that happened.

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Original poster
Orangesandlemons77 · 10/02/2023 07:21

She has been offered but treatment for depression and grief counselling from the GP but she told them she talks to DIL about that.

However the GP did say she knew MIL would say no to anti-ds but if she needs this even if it is in years to come please get back in touch.

So she does have a supportive GP.

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Roselilly36 · 10/02/2023 07:01

She sounds depressed & lonely, does MIL have any friends or hobbies?

If the loss is something she keeps going over it, perhaps professional breavement counselling could help her.

I am speaking from experience, the worst thing you can do is have a set day, as that then becomes a routine that MIL will consider set in stone, and it may not always be convenient for you.

you sound a lovely supportive DIL, but sometimes you need to put yourself first Flowers

Good luck

Original poster
Orangesandlemons77 · 10/02/2023 07:01

I not "O"

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Original poster
Orangesandlemons77 · 10/02/2023 07:01

I will.

Interestingly she knows I am NC with my mum and keeps commenting on this.

"Don't you feel guilty?" "You should get in touch. You'll feel really bad if anything happens to her"

This has been said several times.

I wonder if she is thinking O might do the same with her and / or reminding me it is a daughter's 'duty' to step up..

Hmm it is starting to making sense now.

I have been having comments about the DC too as now they are older and 'need to be more independant' I "should not be cooking for them" I'm "making a rod for some poor woman's back" (their future wives I guess)- I wonder if this is implying I would have more time for her if I was doing less for them.

I might be reading too much into these things - perhaps not. Lots to think about.

I mean I was firm by going NC with my own family and that has actually helped me. So I have the ability to be firm if needs be.

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ChubbyMorticia · 10/02/2023 07:00

“So sorry that my ill health has inconvenienced you. I completely understand that you’re going to find someone else to run your errands and such. We’ll talk in a month or so.”

I’d also tell your husband that you resign as his mom wrangler.

rookiemere · 10/02/2023 07:00

Not sure what age MIL is, but have experienced something similar from DM in last couple of years. My role is apparently to listen sympathetically to her list of thankfully minor ailments that she has many, many appointments for.

When I had Covid and was in no state to talk, she kept on talking and texting and phoning even when I had told her not to. I was unable to phone recently because I was just too stressed at work and she snapped and said I needed to get myself sorted out.She never used to be like that, so it's an age thing in her case.

For you I agree, you need to step back, but try not to take it to heart. You tried to do your best, it's a shame she can't appreciate your great effort so don't keep on doing it.

TrinnySmith · 10/02/2023 06:43

You really need to change your relationship now while she is still able - once she really cannot manage her life you will be run ragged ‘supporting’ her ie her entertainer, cleaner, cook, nurse etc

Remona · 10/02/2023 06:22

Jeez, OP. The assistant?! How dare she? That told you all you needed to know about what she thinks if you.

Be thankful that this has opened your eyes to what she’s really like. Assistant. Support. You were being lined up to be her carer further down the line. You need to step right back from this situation and let her children step up to the plate. Good luck 💐

Original poster
Orangesandlemons77 · 10/02/2023 06:14

Yes I know why is it the woman's work to deal with this stuff.

I get a few comments from DH about how he feels sorry for her, even things like maybe I am the only one she feels she can turn to

And she has said some things to him as well, referring to me as 'the support' and even 'the assistant' (when I was helping with some things from her previous business)!

A bit worrying really, like pushing me into these 'roles'.

And then there has been me, without my own mum and maybe hoping for more of a 'mum' relationship, and then of course there can be this feeling of 'helping others' being rewarding in a way.

But yes it is a bit of an eye opener isn't it.

Even if she had falsely tried to act supportive / caring over my health stuff I might have been more likely to be supportive in return. But just acting like this has done her no favours really.

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2crossedout1 · 10/02/2023 06:12

This must be hurtful OP - you thought you had developed a nice relationship with her, but it seems that it was conditional on you playing a certain role. I agree with getting your DH involved - he can tell her that you have been really ill and she needs to let you recover. It sounds like you already have some tools for dealing with MIL which is good - but it's still sad, as you were hoping you wouldn't have to use them. Put yourself and your immediate family first for a few weeks. Then have a think about how available to make yourself going forwards.

Remona · 10/02/2023 05:58

You are not taking it too personally OP. You sound like you’ve been a saint with her and have done far more than I ever would have.

In a round about way she has done you a massive favour. She’s shown her true colours so you can back off now instead of potentially having many more years of it as she gets older, grumpier and probably unwell.

The bottom line here is this is for your DH to sort out. It’s his mother. It absolutely infuriates me that it’s always left to women to shoulder the burden. Your DH needs to step up and sort this out. Don’t tiptoe around her for fear of upsetting her because it’s clear that she doesn’t give two hoots about upsetting you.

Original poster
Orangesandlemons77 · 10/02/2023 05:47

Thanks to you all for writing so late at night, up worrying about it all Flowers

OP posts:
Original poster
Orangesandlemons77 · 10/02/2023 05:45

TrinnySmith · 10/02/2023 05:35

I don't see why DH can't step up and in the process tell MIL that Oranges is not well at the moment and that she needs to call him not you. Which she won't because 'poor' DS works so hard etc Or suggest the other sibling.
And once you are doing less make sure you continue that way.

Good point. Maybe he doesn't want to be called. And I agree there are others around. Even the one abroad - I mean MIL could go and see her but 'doesn't want to travel' to see her.

Something I do get is a lot of flattery / compliments including bringing gifts when I do see her. Which I note from Out of the FOG can be something called 'hoovering' a way of keeping you in line.

So I'm going to use your suggestions and also some of the help off that site such as 'grey rock' detachment.

I oddly find it harder with MIL than with my own mum. Maybe it is because she is closer physically / practically and also it impacts DH too.

But yes it is his mum, he needs to deal

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Redebs · 10/02/2023 05:35

Absolutely need to shut down her plans to replace medical support with you. It's a slippery slope, OP!