Dealing with dramatic elderly MIL

Isn't it obvious what he means?

No wonder you are feeling depressed at times. You have been her bereavement counsellor for two years. It is hard enough for trained professionals to be able to do that, let alone for a family member to support someone for that long.

It's nice that she relies on you, but you should definitely encourage your dh to do more in the way of support. I'm in a similar boat but I love my MIL so it doesn't bother me (not saying you don't OP just that I'm in a minority on Mnet for actively liking my MIL)

Regarding this

Oh, another thing I am getting is lots of snippy comments and criticism. Over everything from my shopping to cooking etc etc.

Pull her up on it every single time. Also operate three strikes and your out.

Eg you arrive with a new hairstyle to be greeted with "what on earth have you done to your hair?!". Ask if she meant to sound so rude and tell her you like your hairstyle. She makes you a cuppa and questions whether you really want two sugars in it. Tell her you're not on a diet and it's rude of her to insinuate you should be. You tell her about a work promotion and she responds with some nonsense about modern women and their fanciful ways, how in her day family was enough. You point out there's lots of benefits to working and these days one wage isn't enough, then you say you must be off now and leave. Because she's insulted you three times and you don't have to put up with that. Over time either she'll remember her manners and stop insulting you because she knows you'll leave if she does, or else you'll realise you don't like her, she's never going to change and there's no point in you visiting.

Seems like it has been very convenient for everyone, including your DH, for you to be running round after your MIL.

Your health comes first - it has to stop. And MIL certainly has shown her true colours. The care and concern you have shown is not reciprocated. How dare she criticise you!!

I agree with other posters, she’s been lining you up to be her carer. Well, now she’s been busted.

A lot of people are lovely as long as you are doing what they want.
I (thought I) had a great relationship with my MIL until I said no to something and she just flipped her bitch switch on.
Even when she tries to be nice to me now I am civil but that’s it, I have seen how nasty she can be when she doesn’t get her own way and I am not interested in a relationship with her any more

You need to step back. She's taking you for granted and being quite rude. You're not staff failing to do your contracted hours. Have a think about what time you feel able and willing (that part is important, you're under no obligation to do any of this) to give to her and be firm about giving no more. You don't mention time to yourself to do the things you want to do? You're allowed to do more than recover and support your DC.

Family shouldn't be telling you about these complaints of hers, it's insensitive of them. Tell them to stop. They should have your back and stick up for you with MIL, everyone should be reminding her she's not entitled to your time.

When you do speak with her, don't take responsibility for her feelings. If she is annoyed you can't spend more time with her that's her feelings to deal with, you don't have to keep listening to it and can tell her to stop going on at you.

Good luck with your recovery. When you feel better you don't have to return to how things were before, you can choose to do things differently. She's treating you like a resource, not a human being. Perhaps she could pay for someone from a befriending service to pop over at regular times twice a week and listen to her endless moaning and repetitive talking things through? She sounds as though she'd appreciate the formality and predictability of such a service. Always dwelling on bad things will etch them onto her consciousness not help her get over them, you needn't be part of her self-torture.

I'm sure you have thought this through but changes in personality can be quick and surprising. My MIL is similar age and situation. We were taken aback when she started to be petulant about things that wouldn't have phased her in the past. It was only when we saw that change that we stepped back and realised how much she has aged in the last year. Aging can present very much like childishness.

But what you can't do is amend your behaviour or be pushed into that default position, so I hope you find a way to restore the balance. I'm afraid it will probably mean you having to be the bad guy for a while and sticking to it, while others step up.

Oh and my DM is also very free with compliments, gifts etc as long as she is getting all her own way. If you say no, the above chaos starts. Sounds similar to your MIL, all sweetness and light while you do what she wants but try to say no and you will see another (scary and nasty) side to her. Her public face is sweet old lady, her real face is tough as nails and I love me!

I’d use this illness to set some boundaries, one of the posters response was really good. Tell your DH exactly what she’s like. Tell her you need to recover as per GP advise and then you won’t have set days going forward. Why should you give up family time to take her out when she sees you as the assistant?

I feel every inch of your pain. My situation is my DM. Currently involved in looking after her. She has always been a very difficult, dramatic, needy, moody person. I get calls from social, her carers, age concern type people on a weekly basis. Telling me my mother is threatening suicide, is depressed, hasn't seen a soul all week (aye right!!), or some other problem.

Today I had social on the phone as she was crying to them she was suicidal and god forbid she had toothache. They were most concerned nobody was attending to her. I told them I took her to dentist this week and they offered her an extraction which she declined. Yesterday I had to fetch her antibiotics for same tooth. Next week I have her another appointment to go back to dentist for extraction. The chaos she causes is just unbelievable.

We have an appointment booked in for her GP as she wants to discuss stopping her heart tablets and going onto pallative care (won't happen, she has talked about doing this about 12 times and always cancels). She likes the attention.

She is on antidepressants, being assessed by the mental health team next week. Her GP thinks she has a personality disorder.

She has carers going into her house 4 times a day that do personal care, make meals, give her medication. A friend takes her out once a week and another day visits and does housework. I go up several times a week normally to take her to one of her many, many appointments. We both do shopping for her, take her to bank, cover all her admin for her. She is on waiting lists for care homes even though social do not think she needs this. She has an idea she will be waited on hand and foot in the care home so this appeals to her. She goes to OAP club twice a week and had a befriender until recently (she got withdrawn because she was getting taken advantage of)

In 2020 I was seriously ill with covid. Very breathless. She screamed blue murder when I tried to stop calling her when ill. She demanded her twice a day calls still and I did them because it was easier than dealing with the screaming.

She has had social in her house when she told them she had no food and no money. Social visited and phoned me confused because of course she had both. She was low on fresh food only because she had only returned from staying with me for a week and I still had to get her shop delivered.

She called the police and told them nobody was taking her to my dads funeral (I was taking her). She was banned by her GP for calling ambulances when she felt lonely or wanted company.

I didn't mean to make this all about me, rather I wanted you to feel you were not alone. Others out there are going through the same issues. Advice others have given you is correct. You need to say I understand you're not happy with the service you are getting (yes sarcasm) so I wish you luck make alternative arrangements. If she tries to take it back just say no I can see it isn't working for either of us. Believe me if it was not my mother I would do this. My situation is different in so far as I am paid to help my mother out and I am "retired" (no life except dealing with her).

I am tougher with her now than i used to be but I always think outside people must be shocked at how 'unmoved' I am when they call when to tell me my mother is sobbing and threatening suicide (almost certainly based on a made up reason). I want to tell them, I should be so lucky but it seems that answer is unacceptable!

So basically she has at least two children who can answer the phone on the household issues, she has offers of help from the GP but instead is expecting the you and your bereaved SiL to live your lives around her despite your own problems?

Relationships are two way. Being bereaved is tough and takes time whoever the bereaved, like anyone else suffering do not get a free pass on being an arse, especially to family who are themselves bereaved or ill. Your DH and his other sibling(s) need to step up and if needs be guide her back to the GP to take the help offered.

How old is she?

The irony of MIL saying you've "made a rod for your own back" in looking after your DS's! You've made acrid for your own back in being so available to and looking after her.

She is an adult and can equally manage her own life. She can ring DH direct . She has 3 DCs she can ask.

I'd be inclined to politely say those things politely to her if she becomes critical of you.

If she texts you asking for DH to do jobs, text her back his number each time "this is DHs mobile number, is better you text to ask him direct. Im sure tell see it tonight after work". "
I'm ill and this is too much"
"My GP has told me to cut down in stress and to rest for my own health. I can't continue doing what I was"
"You'll need to ask your friends or DH if they can help, I am too ill and have to rest"

It's not rude to text back "I'm ill/too busy/ I can't" especially when MIL had no qualms in texting you with demands and is criticising you for not doing her favours or being there constantly for her to detriment if your sanity stress levels and health, (when she's not there for you!)

After two years of supporting her a LOT you can step back and say I've done my bit when she needed me and need to have a break and rest now for my health . You've a family to care for and your own house to run despite being ill yourself, that's enough.

MIL won't be happy regardless, and that's tough , anyone criticising you is perfectly welcome to go out if they'd eat and either pay for help for her , help her pay for her own handyman/ social emotional support or whatever, or do the support themselves.

To your DH I would say "I'm glad you recognise you feel sorry for your mum, she is your mum, so if you feel she needs company, off you go.."

(He'll soon come down on your side)

You’ve been really kind and I agree that OH should step up; I’m afraid many men don’t see what is needed and/or try not to see it!However I can’t but feel sorry for MIL.As an older woman myself probably facing being alone at some time. I understand her need to feel she is loved by her family which she may think should be shown by spending time with her and although she has friends, going through the last days of her husband’s life is possibly not something she feels she can share with friends.I’ve noticed this need to revisit with other bereaved people.it seems to be a comfort.